'AITA for not moving out when my wife wants to separate and get divorced soon?'
"AITA for not moving out when my wife wants to separate and get divorced soon?"
PO0tyTng
My wife of 13 years hates my guts, due to me having taken other people’s side about 5 times over the past 7 years. One of which was letting my mom take our infant baby off of her chest when they were doing skin to skin (edit: not that it matters much, but this was when he was a couple months old, not in the birthing room).
Not that I was okay with it, I just didn’t prevent it and I could have. Edit: yes I know how much of an asshole and terrible person I am for this. That is not the question here.
Our kid is 7 now, and my wife has never forgiven me. The other transgressions I did were things like taking her family’s side on various things, or letting my parents come to our house when she didn’t want them there, etc. Anyway I am the cause of her endless hate for me…. So we have agreed that since she will never forgive me, we should get divorced.
I have been the sole breadwinner (remote job) for the last 15 years, and she has had low paying jobs at various times, none of which ever last too long. Her current job is only $20/hr with no benefits.
I have made nearly every single meal for this family since we’ve been married, do all the housework aside from laundry, im there when my kid wakes up to pack his lunch and take him to school (she sleeps in), and there to get him snacks and dinner when I bring him home… im a really, really good dad, and I love my kid more than anything in this world.
So the house we live in is in my name, the mortgage is $1400/month, and then you’ve got utilities, etc. we only have one car that we share. She couldn’t afford to live in a cruddy apartment and cover half the support for the kid, let alone also cover her own health insurance (she’s on my plan). By the way, we live in Texas, and have a joint bank account/credit card.
Edit: Bought the house about 6 years ago. I just did all the paperwork so it’s only my name on it. It’s appraised at about 450k, half of which is equity. It’s Texas so it’s considered marital property. I have no problem giving her half of everything I own. I can still live comfortably.
She desperately wants to divorce me, and wants to “ease our kid into it” by having me move out, pay that rent (she wants me to get my parents to pay it, because “I chose them over her”), continue to also pay the mortgage, buy a new car and give her one of them, and cover any expenses she can’t cover with her $2k/month income. I can’t afford to pay all that.
I do not want to move out, I want to see my kid as much as possible while I still can. Also she has a lot of health problems and needs good insurance. Once we divorce, it will be 60(her)/40(me) split most likely.
I don’t believe she’ll be able to get him to school on time, since she never has in the past, but maybe that will change. Other than that she’s a good mom, advocates for our kid and does all the “adulting” regarding our kids school/doctors appointments, etc.
Anyway, AITA for not wanting to move out of my house until we’re divorced and she has health insurance covered? We don’t fight around the kid much anymore (she’s always been the rage monster/screamer, which she has been working on with her therapist on. She has screamed at me countless times in front of our kid, but is getting better about now).
She says me moving out will ease our kid into having 2 separate households. And give us each space to work on ourselves (she needs to get a better job, and I need to work with a therapist to not be such a pushover and put my parents before, according to her, my child… which I never have except that one instance).
So AITA here? Also, any tips on where to start with this process? I think we can get divorced without dueling with lawyers, and she’s not a gold digger who wants to ruin me financially.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
wpnsc
PLEASE get a lawyer.
Low-Use-9862
I’m a family law attorney in Texas. The only way she can force you out is by order of the court. That can be by means of a protective order, but more often, by filing a petition for divorce and a motion for temporary orders awarding her temporary possession and control of the home.
You should be aware that in Texas, the home is not your separate property just because your name is the only one on the deed. It may still be considered community property, depending on when you purchased it and how you acquired it. Talk to a lawyer.
Wizard_of_Claus
NTA and while I'm not a lawyer and don't even know where you are, the general rule of thumb seems to be that once a person leaves a home in the midst of a separation/divorce it can be very hard to get it back when everything is over.
I know you said you don't want to talk to a lawyer but if she truly feels this way about you it's probably in your best interest to be represented. What people may or may not do at one time can change a lot when they realize they are going to have to start taking care of themselves.
EscapeAny2828
NTA for your question. Get a lawyer.
YTA for the reasons your wife hates you.
Timely_Tie3496
Since the post is asking if you are the AH for not moving out I will say NTA. However, I enjoy how you glossed over the things that you did to make her hate you. What man allows his mother to take his newborn baby off his wife’s chest while she is actively doing chest to chest bonding?
I don’t know if I believe your narrative that she is the “rage monster.”
You are probably an AH who allows his mother to walk all over his wife.
essssgeeee
I am dying to hear the wife's side of this.
celticmusebooks
One of which was letting my mom take our newborn baby off of her chest when they were doing skin to skin. Not that I was okay with it, I just didn’t prevent it and I could have.
So at possibly the most vulnerable moment in your wife's entire life you couldn't step up and be a man and chose your mommy? After 13 years of viewing you as "less than" (less than a father, less than a husband, less than a man) your wife is finally ready to move on.
You allowed your mommy to steal a precious moment from your wife that can NEVER be given back. It was a crappy thing for your mother do do and even crappier that you admit you allowed it. (Shame on you for that.) Did you make any effort to make that up to your wife?
Honestly I'm having a difficult time believing that a man who would do that to his wife has only "favored" his mom a handful of times in the past 13 years. That said, you need to sit down with your lawyer and get the ball rolling before moving from the family home.
ALSO sit down with her and ask her to elaborate on how you've put your parents before your child over the years. YTA for allowing your mom to crap all over your wife's birth experience and basically poisoning your marriage-- though not necessarily for not wanting to move out of your house.