'AITA for not prioritizing my girlfriend’s tradition during Thanksgiving?' 'My mom was visibly upset.'
"AITA for not prioritizing my girlfriend’s tradition during Thanksgiving?"
My girlfriend (25F) and I (26M) visited my parents for Thanksgiving, staying from Wednesday to Sunday. A couple of weeks ago, she told me she likes to get Chinese food on Black Friday because her family used to do that, and it’s a tradition she doesn’t get to do anymore.
Initially, I dismissed it, saying we should eat leftovers since my mom likes us to stick around and eat with everyone. I also didn’t want to leave others out. But she convinced me it was important, so I told my mom on Wednesday night that we wanted to go out on Friday. My mom was visibly upset. I looked to my girlfriend and asked if we could move it to Sunday instead. She agreed.
Fast forward to Friday around 4:30 pm, and she told me she was upset that I didn’t care about her feelings. I was confused because I thought we had resolved it by moving it to Sunday. She said she still wanted to go out on Friday, so I said, “Let’s go.” But then she said she didn’t want to go anymore because she had eaten a big breakfast. I suggested we get takeout later, but she said it was fine, and we didn’t go.
Later in the car, she had a mature conversation with me about needing to learn how to let things go, and I thought that was the end of it. However, this morning (Sunday), she brought it up again and said she was still upset that I “dismissed her feelings.”
She also revealed that this tradition is tied to her late grandfather, who passed away three years ago, and that’s why it’s so meaningful. She said she thought we were making fun of her for wanting Chinese food, which we weren’t. I told her I wished she’d said something earlier because we absolutely would have gone if I’d known how important it was to her.
She says she’s not mad at me now, but I still feel like she is. She also said I should’ve “read between the lines.” I feel like I tried to make it work on Friday and genuinely thought we had a plan for Sunday. Did I mess this up? AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
lmchatterbox said:
YTA. Your mom got you from Wednesday to Sunday. You did actual Thanksgiving with your family. Your girlfriend asked for one meal in a 4-day span to do something very important to her with you.
Then you immediately caved to your overbearing and needy mother as soon as the subject was breached. You let your girlfriend know exactly where she stands in your life, and she is not a priority. Unless she wants to be subordinate to your mother for your entire relationship, it sounds pretty doomed.
Idontlikesoup1 said:
Yeah, I think you messed up. She made the effort to spend days at your parents (NO, it is rarely fun to spend days at ILs as much as you may think otherwise) and she made one little request...yeah, I think YTA.
k23_k23 said:
YTA. "I feel like I tried to make it work on Friday" .. What a ridiculous statement. NO, you did NOT. You knowingly broke your word to your gf and put her on the spot. So you had an agreement with your gf, and threw her to the wolves. Instead of keeping your promise, you put your gf in a situation where it was impossible for her to say NO, and pretend she agreed.
"I told her I wished she’d said something earlier because we absolutely would have gone if I’d known how important it was to her." ...What an AH you are. She HAD told you, you just dismissed it.
You put a massive strain on oyur relationship, and it will need a lot of doing better to have a future together. If you can not learn to say NO to your mom, you won't be able to have ANY relationship, be it her or another girl.
Worth-Season3645 said:
YTA…What exactly did she need to do more to make it clear to you that this tradition was important to her? You did what you wanted and what was important to you and your family, what you have always done.
You have a girlfriend now. It is not all about you anymore. You were with your parents until Sunday. Plenty of time to do leftovers. You could have either gone out to get Chinese food or had take away with everyone.
When you merge families, holidays and traditions, it is all about compromise. For all involved. I realize your parents are used to their way, but it would not have killed them to include someone who might become part of their permanent family someday.
Victor-Grimm said:
YTA- you lost all credibility when you asked her to change the day in front of your mom instead of in private. You caved to your mom like a little kid. This girl may dump you pretty easily because you can’t have a discussion with mommy about things important to your girlfriend. In case you are wondering if this was one of those times “is this a test." Yes it was my friend and you failed.
KittyJCaboose said:
YTA, seems like you didn't mean to be, but you messed up a few times over here. She told you take out was a tradition her family did, you initially dismissed it. That right there should tell you enough that it's important, she shouldn't have had to elaborate more, but you could have asked yourself.
Just because family members are alive or passed away doesn't change that it's a family tradition, just since someone has passed its heavier. Did you not know of her grandfathers passing? Y'all are whole adults and when you told your mom that you're doing something to honor your partners tradition, if she gets upset thats damage control you're expected to do, that's your mom.
Did you explain to your mom that this is part of your partners tradition? Or did you just say they wanted take out and left it at that? She potentially didn't want to say anything until Sunday to keep the peace while you're staying with your parents.
If she were to complain, stand up for herself and wants, or just straight up lett on her own, she probably would have been looked down on by your family and creating drama. It was your job to defend your partner here and the things important to her, and you failed.
Most likely because you felt it was a non issue since as you stated you dismissed it entirely right off. Reading between the lines wasn't the issue, you should have asked if you know so little about her family.