Woman refuses to lie when sister's adopted son reaches out to meet his mom after 19 years. AITA?
"AITA for not responding the way my sister told me to, now that her son she gave up for adoption is searching for her?"
roxywalker
I (51F) have a younger half sister (35) who was born from my dad’s second marriage. My parents divorced when I was 12 and afterwards, my dad moved to another state. I visited for major holidays and six weeks during the summer.
I was almost 16 when she was born and I remember celebrating her Baptism, her first Christmas, first birthday, etc., but, by the time she was a teen I was in my twenties and living the city life all on my own and my visits were rare.
My dad had also gotten divorced from her mother when she was 12, coincidentally the same age I was when my own parents got divorced. At that point I only visited once or twice a year, if that.
During one of those visits my dad told me that my sister had been pregnant and he’d sent her to South America to have the baby and it was put up for adoption. He went on to say that by the time she realized she was pregnant, she had broken up with the father (who was 20 when she was 16…I know) and she was left to figure everything out.
She was adamant about not wanting the baby, but she didn’t want to terminate the pregnancy either, so the adoption was arranged. She had a son. He was visibly emotional but believed it was the best decision at that time. I was stunned.
I hadn’t really seen her much during her teenage years. My dad’s divorce from her mother was acrimonious, so that, coupled with the age difference, didn’t leave much room for bonding. Over the years we’ve spoken very little. She’s met my children a few times over the years but they don’t really know each other.
A few weeks ago I received a letter from an attorney. It laid out how I was identified as a relative of the person they were representing. I immediately remembered what my father had told me and everything clicked.
I was asked if I would be comfortable with answering a few questions regarding my dad’s side of the family. Before responding I got in touch with my sister. She made it clear that I should ignore the letter and act as if I had never received it.
Her son is now 19 years old and actively trying to get in touch with her. She has zero desire to meet him. The conversation left me torn because he’s already made progress in finding her.
Not wanting to acknowledge the situation won’t stop what’s been set in motion. After this conversation I sent the letter back declining to answer on paper, but wrote a note on the form that I would prefer to be contacted by phone.
The law firm got in touch with me shortly afterwards. I just acknowledged what they already knew. Who our mutual father was. Who our grandparents in South America were, etc., basically it was confirmation of the family tree. Nothing that was a ‘big reveal’.
My sister called me this past weekend livid. She told me I had no right to ‘butt into her past’ and I should have just ‘respected her feelings’. Now she is claiming that her husband of 8 years is finding out about this and it could ruin her marriage.
Our dad has since passed away and I can’t imagine how terrible he would feel knowing that all of this is transpiring and how ugly things have become. AITA for answering the basic questions presented to me and not ignoring the entire situation as she requested?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Usual_Ad2083
NTA. While her giving the child up for adoption was absolutely the most reasonable and best option, she also relinquished any rights she or her family had over him and the situation. Quite frankly, this is something she should have been honest about with her husband well before 8 years into the marriage.
AssistanceOk3669
Such a great point. OP only confirmed what the law firm researched and concluded. It's okay if someone wants to know where they come from. It's also okay for OP's sister to not want to be involved with the child she gave birth to. What's not okay is to blame OP for a marriage falling apart because of a lie by omission.
moon_vixen
Not to mention, considering much of it was simply "confirming the family tree", he could simply be interested in getting his medical history and establishing his family is the first step.
Like, fine you don't want to be in his life but you still brought him into this world, he deserves to have access to that kind of basic info about his very biology. And even if all he wants is to know where he comes from, he still has that right too.
And her not being honest with her husband is her own mistake and hers alone. I mean, how was OP supposed to know that he not only didn't know but that this was how he'd find out?
Ridiculous.
InviteAdditional8463
Yeah, and it’s not OPs fault sister lied. I feel like OP did what they felt was best without answering potentially contentious questions. It does seem odd that the kid was using a law firm, but I have no idea how things like this are done in the US, much less in a foreign country. Personally I’d think it was weird, but that’s about it.
FoxySlyOldStoatyFox
INFO: How many years has your half-sister been with her husband without telling him she had a child that she gave up for adoption? How does your half-sister know that you answered the questions?
Did you ask your half-sister what she wanted you to do or simply inform her about the lawyer getting in touch? Did you agree to your half-sister’s request not to pass on any information?
The OP responded here:
roxywalker
She claims shes never told her husband about this situation. And she didn’t plan on doing so. From what I’ve gathered over the years they are child free with good careers and love to travel.
When we talked I expressed no desire to ‘out’ her but told her that if a law firm was reaching out, they already knew most of what they needed to and were just tying up loose ends.
I suppose the law firm reached back out to her in writing to express that they had been in contact with other family members. I am not aware of who else they may have contacted but surely I cannot be the only person in question.