'AITA for losing it at my SIL when she asked if my friend would watch her kids?' UPDATED

"AITA for not sharing my 'nanny' with the family?"

First of all, I do not have a nanny. I have an amazing best friend named “Willow”. I also have 4 children (ages 12 to 1). Willow is childless and does NOT like kids. She does, however, love mine and they all adore her. Even my (surprise) bonus baby girl cries when she leaves to go home. She will always offer to watch the kiddos if we want some alone time and has kept them overnight more than once.

Every summer my husband’s family likes to rent cabins by the river and Willow usually tags along. By day three she offers to hang with the kids at the cabin. I know her well enough to know that she is usually done with the sun, the water, and BIL hitting on her by this time. She always says that this time with her god kids is the real reason why she comes.

This year, we came up to the lake. At around 10 the baby was asleep on Willow, the adults were drinking (she does not), and BIL was being creepy. So she announced that she was tired and offered to take the kids back to the cabin.

Day 3 comes and she (of course) asks if she can have the kids for the day. Later on, on the lake, SIL made a joke about asking Willow to watch ALL the kids tomorrow but we laughed it off. When we came back that evening the kids announced that they were camping out in the living room with aunt Willow.

I asked Willow if she minded if we just went out to the resort lounge and she was quite happy to kick us out. The morning of checkout, Willow made breakfast because it was her turn and (of course) my SIL had to comment “You cook for them too? Wow”.

After we returned, I got a text from my SIL calling me a snob for bringing our “Nanny” on the trip. I told her that Willow was NOT my nanny and that she paid her own way. She then called me b!tch because I saw that they all were tired and frazzled and I could have at least asked Willow to watch all of the kids.

I told her she was crazy and I wasn’t going to ask my best friend to watch 12 children! SHE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE CHILDREN. My MIL called soon after to apologize and ask for Willow’s number. She told me that maybe if she paid Willow to watch my SIL’s kids for a night she would get over her jealousy.

She then proceeded to lay out a plan where my best friend would be passed around like some kind of servant (I should mention that my best friend is Black). I just…hung up on her. My husband thinks that I should have at least asked Willow before I said no. I told him that I wasn’t going to put her that kind of position. He is downstairs right now STILL trying to placate his mother.

I can’t ask any of my siblings’ perspective because I know that they are also jealous of the kind of friendship that Willow and I have. Now I am torn, maybe I should have asked her if she wanted to help out. Did I over react? Am I the @$$hole?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Colonel_Khazlik said:

NTA. If they want to recruit your friend as their child care provider they can ask themselves and not ruin your relationship with her.

pluralexistence said:

NTA. First as your friend I’d appreciate you keeping this boundary if I were willow. It’s nice you know she’s a friend and showed it. It’s childish your family gets jealous, that’s for them to work through their feelings (not for you to placate at the expense of your friend’s dignity). They can find a nanny anywhere if they want.

Secondly as a POC myself it would add a whole dimension to pass her number around as a nanny. Is that her day job? Otherwise it’s totally out of line. MIL is insane to think she can hire someone to placate your SIL, like wtf?! She’s not some doll or property to pass around - sounds like a bad episode of ‘The Help’ (as if the movie isn’t bad enough).

F them people, keep having your friend’s back. And if you ever tell Willow, it should be to laugh at them - but it would make things uncomfortable for her. I suggest not allowing her to try placating them and babysitting etc. She likes her God kids, that’s her only duty here imho.

If she’s a nanny by profession it’s different. You can ask if she wants new clients. But I wouldn’t even, people who are entitled will be rude and it would put your friend in a bad work environment and risk your friendship.

esmoves said:

Is nobody gonne comment on the creep BIL? What’s with that, sounds like your friend actually has to bare an awful environment to be able to spend some quality time with your kids. Can you get your husband to talk to BIL or can you all start calling him out on his behaviour? NTA by the way, protect your friend from this toxic family members!

tiacalypso said:

NTA. I‘m my friends‘ kids Aunt Willow and I‘d be weirded out and upset if I were treated like a nanny.

And SquishySmooshFace said:

YTA for trying to give yourself a pat on the back for “defending your friend” once your free babysitting time was in jeopardy but not when she was being sexually harassed.

EDIT from OP:

To clear a few things up. Both BIL and SIL are my husband’s biological brother and sister (his two brothers and sister were on the trip) SIL is the harpy and BIL is his newly divorced brother. I had to cut it out to make the word count.

She genuinely loves my children. She messages me her days off asking to babysit, she will ask to pick the baby up from daycare, and frequently takes all the kids out on “adventures”. You don’t have to tell me how lucky I am. But maybe it’s time I told her how much I appreciate having her in my life.

The part about her cooking breakfast does sound a little unfair but she makes the most amazing pecan caramel cinnamon rolls And it’s become sort of a tradition for her to make them for the kids.

As for the harassment from my idiot BIL, Willow and I have been friends since college and she is tall, confident, and she is very well endowed (both in the front and the back). People stare at her often and men hit on her all the time. For some reason when she walks in a room, men just turn stupid.

Most of the time she takes the comments in stride but for some reason, this year, he was just laying it on hard. This, however, is no excuse, and just because this is something that she deals with on the daily it doesn’t mean that she should have to deal with it on vacation. I accept the AH for that one and I will ask my husband to talk to his brother.

I’ve decided to talk to Willow this evening and show her this entire thread. Maybe post an update. Thank you all.

She later shared this update:

Well the conversations with his family went as expected. SIL was apparently holding a grudge from when we went to Vegas for a 5 days in January and Willow kept our kids. We also like to post our date nights on social media and in her eyes it’s just (and I literally quote) “not fair”.

Reasoning with MIL was like beating my head against a brick wall. She couldn’t understand why it was insulting and thought it was a fantastic way for her to “make extra money”.

BIL fake apologized for his behavior citing he was “titmatized” and “Have you SEEN her bro?” Then he formally asked my husband for his permission to bang his wife’s friend. I took the phone (that was on speaker), told him to go F himself, and hung up.

I meet Willow in a couple of hours and I am so guilt ridden, anxious, and just plain angry at myself. I’m not going to say anything. I’m going to hand her my phone and just let her read the thread.

FINAL UPDATE:

Willow came over this evening and she read pretty much the entire thread. She then told me some of the disgusting comments that she has had to endure from ALL of the men in his family over the years. She was even “jokingly” offered money once for just one night of fun.

I asked her why she never said anything and she told me that she was used to it and did not want to bother me. I flat out asked her if any of them had ever touched her inappropriately. She wouldn’t give me a straight answer and I didn’t want to push it. She was so nonchalant about everything and all I wanted to do was cry because even when she was the person wronged, she still tries to protect me.

I told her I was so sorry for everything and that she is under no obligation to be my babysitter, spare my feelings, or put up with my toxic in-laws. I apologized for my complacency in all of this mess and let her know that I loved her and appreciated all the things that she does for my family.

We hung out, we laughed and we cried just like in college. My husband and I both told her that this was our LAST trip with his family but whatever we decide to do for vacation next summer she is more than welcome to come (as our guest…and she is not allowed to pay for anything…but she doesn’t know that yet because she would decline)

I know I am lucky to have her. She is like my sister and I am going to start being as good as a friend to her as she is to me. Once again…thank you for all of your insight. I appreciate it more than you know