'AITA for not telling my ex-wife that my GF is pregnant before posting it on social media?' UPDATED

"AITA for not telling my Ex-wife all my life details?"

Background: I have been separated for over a year, and my divorce has been filed but not finalized; covid still has the courts backed up in my area. This was a relationship that lasted 17 years and 13 years of marriage. We got married young and grew apart.

We have three children. All were three adopted because my Ex has fertility issues and we wanted to help children in need. The divorce is amicable and we are splitting assets and child care 50/50. We have both been seeing other people, and I have had my girlfriend for a substantial amount of time

My current girlfriend (soon to be fiance once the divorce is done) is now pregnant; in the first trimester. I was trying to hold off announcing until the second trimester, but my youngest child eight-year-old figured out the secret.

So, I told my three kids that my girlfriend was pregnant and had a talk about it and what that meant for our family. I did not tell my ex as i knew it would hurt her feelings. I did publicly announce through social media on Monday so that my kids had time to process it.

On Wednesday, my ex found out, again from my youngest child, and had an emotional breakdown. She freaked out because I did not message her privately before I announced it. She dropped off our children at my house and flew to visit her family on the other side of the country. She is refusing to talk to me now because I should have notified her before telling everyone.

We do follow each other on all social media, but both of us check it infrequently. So, AITA for not telling my ex-wife that my current girlfriend is pregnant before my friends and family?

I accept your judgment.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Automatic_Time9227 said:

I can't imagine a world where you adopt 3 kids with a woman due to fertility issues and don't think your new girlfriend's pregnancy might upset her. If your relationship is as good as you claim why wouldn't you want to give her the heads up?

Also - it kinda feels like you're being selectively vague on the timeline. Separated for a year but had your new girlfriend for a substantial amount of time? My AH sense is tingling.

psatty said:

YTA. This is not the way to successfully coparent. You are starting down a bad path of putting your kids in awkward situations bc you’re a coward. Your kid probably went to mom and was happily chatting away and then did the emotional equivalent of hitting her own mom with a jack hammer. I’m cringing just thinking about it.

PurpleGreyPunk said:

NTA. For all intents and purposes she’s your ex wife. Regardless of how amicable, you’re not obligated to notify her of your having started a new family.

Angelblade92 said:

NTA- you aren’t married anymore and she has no right to matters unrelated to the care of your shared children.

And Dogmother123 said:

Yes, YTA. You knew this would hurt your ex, and you must have known your kids would mention it. You shared it on social media for all to see and didn't tell her. The two of you get/got along. And you never gave her a quiet call at a time where she could process this news

He later shared these edits to his post:

Edit 1 - Ok so i'm seeing a couple people calling out my vagueness on the time line. Yes I was intentionally vague because I didn't want people being like well studies say... So let me add this. I was separated for 6 months before I started dating. Yes my girlfriend was first person I dated after divorce. We have worked for the same company for a few years, but at different sites.

We only met online meetings and never in person. We met in person in July after I was already separated. I was still fighting to reconcile and she had a boyfriend. We started chatting and just went together. There was absolutely no cheating involved in this story.

Edit 2 - seeing quite a few people asking why I didn't tell her. I have moderate anxiety disorder (according to my psych) and confrontation is something I struggle with. My ex can come on a little strong, and last week I was ejectected from my volunteer position at church until my divorce is finished.

So when I announced I was hoping she would see... I didn't really think about how she would feel. Slight AH on my part or maybe my social awkwardness.

Edit 3 - I have taken the majority judgment here and sent this text to my ex. I would like to apologize for being an @$$hole. The internet has spoken and the majority have voted that I was an asshole. I will keep you in the loop on major life changes in the future.

I have been reading all your comments keep them coming. I appreciate all the NTA comments too. This conversation is definitely divided, but over 1/2 have said ITAH and I accept.

Edit 4 - seeing a lot of people struggling to grasp that I did not cheat so let me settle this. I in no shape or form cheated. I did not even talk to my current girlfriend until after divorce was filed. All we are waiting for is the final stamp. If we did not have children and property the divorce would have been finished. People who say oh they worked together. All three adults in this story are teachers.

My district has over 2k employees. We work at different sites and never met in person until July at a conference. I did not even text my girlfriend until I was served papers and my ex started dating. I have never nor will I ever cheat. Everyone I know says that I am one of the most moral people they know. Discussion over no cheating physical or emotional. If anything I have feelings that she cheated on me.

Edit 5 - as a result of apologizing to my ex I got this reply: I am blocking you for now. If it is an emergency about the kids please contact my dad until I get home.

He later shared this brief update:

My ex texted me and we talked - she said, I do think you genuinely freaked out and just mishandled the whole thing and that you are not an actual @$$hole. You just wear it well sometimes.