'AITA for not wanting my disabled cousin at my wedding?'
"AITA for not wanting my disabled cousin at my wedding?"
JumpyThrowRA
I (26F) am getting married soon to my amazing fiance Liam (30M), and I’m struggling with whether or not to invite my cousin, "Tom" (29M). Tom has a developmental disability, and while he’s almost 30, he has the intellectual capacity of about a 7-year-old. I’ve always tried to be patient and understanding, but he has consistently crossed physical boundaries with me in ways that make me really uncomfortable.
I have always been an early bloomer and I have a much larger than average chest and because of all the sports I did in high school and that continue to this day I would like to say I look good. I only say this because it's the main reason my family uses to justify Tom's behaviour.
Over the years, Tom has touched my chest and butt quite a few times, he's also hugged me tight and tried to kiss me, and even though I immediately told him to stop each time, it never seems to stick.
He also tells all of his caretakers, nurses and live in caregivers, that I'm his girlfriend. He also doesn't like Liam because he insists Liam isn't my fiance/boyfriend because HE is my boyfriend. Tom also talks about how he will marry me. It kind of feels like when a little kid tells their parent they're going to marry them but it's still very uncomfortable.
I’ve brought it up with my family, but they always downplay it, saying Tom “doesn’t understand” and that he’s just “showing affection.” The excuse used most often is "He's a little boy in a man's body and you're a conventionally attractive woman."
When I told my mom how uncomfortable it makes me, she said I probably “entertained” his behavior too much and that he's harmless. She insists I should just be firm, but any time I’ve tried, the family accuses me of being mean to him.
With my wedding coming up, I want the day to be relaxed and special without constantly worrying about Tom overstepping boundaries. When I told my family that I was considering not inviting him, they were outraged.
They said I was being unfair, cruel, and that he’d be devastated not to come. My mom even said it would “ruin his day” and make it obvious that he’s different, which she thinks is heartless. I get that Tom can’t help certain behaviors, but I feel like my family has completely ignored my feelings in this.
They always brush off my discomfort and say it’s my responsibility to manage it or that he “doesn’t know any better,” but it’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be on edge the whole time. Liam says I have every right not to invite him especially because of how he treats both of us like our relationship isn't real.
Still, I wonder if I’m being too harsh or unkind since Tom isn’t fully aware of boundaries and doesn't really know what he's doing is bad or harmful, especially because his parents and other family members encourage it. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NotShockedFruitWeird
NTA, they are full of too many excuses. Maybe if they all kept affirming "no" to him when he kept on inappropriately touching you, it might have stuck.
LorienCathalas
Exactly. He doesn't understand because nobody ever told him no. His parents should have dealt with this from the getgo. A 7 year old is perfectly capable of understanding bounderies if it's been taught properly.
Also, he might be 7 years old mentally, but he has grown up physical urges that he can't control. His family REALLY should deal with this, because who knows who he will grab next. It could land him (and his victims) in all sorts of trouble.
Third, I definitely agree with some other commenters that there's a big chance he is going to cause a scene at the wedding when he realizes his "girlfriend" is marrying someone else. Do NOT let him come and anyone who doesn't understand all of this can also stay home.
Rude-Conclusion-2995
NTA. If he is «a little boy in a man’s body», there should be no problem finding someone to look after him. The fact they say you probably «entertain» him and that this would «ruin his day» is a hill I would die on.
It’s not «his day» and they have been enabling this behaviour for too long. If he can’t help his behaviour because of his disability, he should have a caretaker that looks after him.
JumpyThrowRA (OP)
He does have caretakers. And my family doesn't like my fiancé because he's stepped in between me and my cousin and yelled at him until he cried.
intrigued_eyes
The title may make you sound bad but no. I understand he mentally doesn't understand but the family is lucky it's been you and not other women. . .mentally handicapped or not he could be in trouble for that. I get he doesn't get it but he may not commit this behavior had the family stopped it sooner.
NTA. You have tolerated the unwanted touching of your body for too long. Only thing I can suggest is tell your family until they stop letting it happen none of them really need to attend. That probably won't help. But you aren't the asshole. What if he starts doing that to little kids?
JumpyThrowRA (OP)
That's my biggest fear. He's been doing it to me since I was 12 and developed a chest, he was 15 at the time. I'm just releived it's only ever been me and nobody else. But I know even if he did touch children my family wouldn't do anything.
BriefHorror
"Family I love you all but I have been repeatedly told that being sexually harassed multiple times is something I should put up with anybody holding that view is uninvited from my wedding and my life."
Girl NTA but I would just keep your peace. What if you have a baby girl and om transfers his delusion to her?
Survive1014
NTA. He didnt "cross the line". He may be disabled, but he still needs to be held accountable for his actions.