'AITA for not wanting my husband to go to his BFF’s bachelor party when I’m 9 months pregnant?' + NEW UPDATE

"AITA for not wanting my husband to go away for the weekend for his best friend’s bachelor party when I’m 37 weeks pregnant?"

My husband’s best friend got engaged, and my husband is in the wedding party. He is not the best man, but is doing most of the planning for the bachelor party. In his friend group, they usually do a golf weekend. Also, this is likely the last bachelor party in the group as the rest of the guys are already married.

However, we have a 2 year old and I’m currently pregnant with our second child and due on August 25th. When he started planning the bachelor party, I told him that planning something earlier in the summer would give him a higher chance of going for the full weekend.

I originally framed it as not wanting to be stuck watching our toddler by myself for a full weekend in my third trimester while he’s out golfing, which was a mistake. I should have framed it as not wanting him to go away for a weekend so close to my due date.

They finally picked a date for the bachelor weekend. It’s August 8th - so I’ll be almost 38 weeks pregnant and considered full term (technically I’ll be 38 weeks the day he plans to get back.). So it’s about two weeks before my actual due date. The bachelor party will be in about two hours away (without traffic).

On previously golf weekends, he has been terrible about keeping his phone charged and it can be hard to get in touch with him. Also, while he doesn’t drink, he does smoke, and would most likely be smoking the whole weekend.

He thinks that as long as he gets someone to watch our toddler while he’s gone, it’s fine to go for the full weekend (2-3 nights). This makes me incredibly nervous. I am willing to compromise and agree to an overnight plus a day of golf. I would also want him to keep his phone on and charged at all times, and ask that he stay sober in case I go into labor.

He seemed to think this is an unreasonable compromise when I initially brought it up. Since then, he is unwilling to discuss it until they have finalized the plans for the weekend. I’m of the mindset that there are very few times in our marriage where my needs/wants/desires take priority over his, but that this is one of them. So, AITA for not wanting him to go to a bachelor party for 2-3 nights so close to my due date?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

DarthCharizard said:

NAH. I get that it's big ask, but his best friend is getting married and he's only going to be 2h away. I think that as long as he keeps his phone charged and he stays sober enough to drive, it's not unreasonable that he wants to attend this event he planned. But I also get why you're nervous.

Can he tentatively plan to attend and check in with your doctor to see how likely it is you're going to go into labor closer to the actual date?

mellie-ak said:

Doctors can guess but are frequently wrong. Lots of women are told they’ll have their baby “any day now” at 36 weeks and go overdue. Or told there’s no way the baby is coming yet and go into labor within a week.

Two hours away is unlikely to be a huge deal but if he’s drinking and has to sober up first or if she has precipitous labor, he could miss the birth entirely. Second babies often come faster too. Personally, I wouldn’t be willing to risk that.

invidiaaquitane said:

NTA. The comments here are just so, so frustrating. Yes, OP's husband will have to make the immense sacrifice of staying sober at a Bachelor party. Woe is him, how could he possibly survive?

I am assuming that both parties made the decision to have another kid. In making that decision, OP has sacrificed 9 months of alcohol, getting high at parties, eating what she wants, and any number of other things.

I don't care if he organised and could have planned it on another day. I don't care if it's the last Bachelor party of the group. OP, and the baby, come FIRST. Not just when it's easy and convenient, but all the time.

If my husband went to something like this after I'd asked him not to, and he missed the birth of our child, or showed up drunk or high while I was in labour, it would be the end of my marriage. I honestly can't believe how many people are saying OP is unreasonable. If you can't stay sober for one weekend for your family, you have a problem.

After speaking with her husband, she shared this first update:

I tried to talk to my husband about the bachelor party, and specifically asked how they arrived at that weekend. My husband said the only requirement was that every groomsman be able to attend, and that he threw out two dates (one in July, and the one two weeks before my due date).

The July date didn't work for some of the groomsmen, so he picked the August date. Those were the only two weekends discussed, and he apparently picked both. His argument is that if I went into labor when he was at work and happened to be on a long call, it could take him over 2 hours to get home, so why is it not okay to plan a trip that would take him the same distance away?

I tried to explain that there's a difference between work (where, if can't get home, it's because someone is seriously injured or something is burning down) and a bachelor party. He doesn't see it that way and just wants to be there for his friend. In his head the due date is August 25th, and there is no chance that the baby could possibly come 2 weeks early.

We didn't get a chance to discuss duration of the weekend or the possibility of not smoking before the conversation dissolved. He got pissed when I brought that he has a poor track record at keeping in touch during these things, although he was pretty angry throughout the whole conversation TBH. I tried to remain calm throughout the conversation, but I did cry and I was the one to walk away first.

After work today, I'm getting my son and we're going to stay with my parents.

Five months later, she shared this second update:

So, the bachelor party was this weekend. My husband and I ultimately decided to wait until the doctor’s appointment the week before the party to make a decision. If she said “baby is coming any day now”, he was going to go for the day. Meanwhile, my MIL volunteered to watch our son for the weekend.

And it turns out that my parents are moving and wound up moving to an apartment that is 5 minutes from our house, so they would be around in case I happened to go into labor.

The OB said she didn’t think the baby would come this weekend, so we decided that my husband would go to the bachelor party for two nights, with the stipulation that he remain sober and be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. My husband told his friends that he would be up on Friday. We were all set.

And then on Wednesday all hell broke loose. Our son got a rash on his hands and feet, and it turns out that someone at daycare had come down with hand, foot, and mouth disease. He wasn’t showing any other symptoms, so we weren’t sure if he actually had it or if it was just a random rash.

We decided see how he was on Thursday - if he had a fever, I was going to get a hotel (because if I came down with it, then I could pass it to the baby) and my husband was going to have to stay home. Our son woke up fever free on Thursday morning, so we were still all set.

Then on Thursday night, my mom went to the ER with stomach pains. Turns out, she was going to need surgery. My husband was supposed to leave at 6 am on Friday, but I asked him to wait until we got an update on my mom.

When I called her on Friday morning, apparently she was feeling better so the doctor told her that she might be able to go home and schedule the surgery for a later date. I gave my husband the go ahead to leave for the bachelor party. Except then the doctor changed his mind, and decided the surgery couldn’t wait.

My mom spent the weekend in the hospital waiting for a surgeon to be available. She finally was able to have the surgery on Sunday morning. In the meantime, I lined up a few friends just in case I happened to go into labor (my dad was also around, but had his hands full dealing with my mom and the move.)

So this weekend was stressful and it felt like everything that could go wrong, did. But at least the baby stayed put, my husband got to go to 2 of the 3 nights of the bachelor party, my mom’s surgery went well, and our son never actually got sick.

And my husband was a lot more responsive to texts than he normally is because of the whole situation with my mom. I’m just glad that my husband is home and that this weekend is finally over.

TL:DR - my husband was able to go to most of the bachelor party and I didn’t go into labor. But it was a very stressful weekend due to other factors.

In response to the comments, she added this final update:

Wow, I really wasn't expecting this to blow up like this! My husband and I were looking at the weekend with a sense of humor - as in, "what else could go wrong?" He's a great husband and father, and very helpful around the house.

I understand that he wanted a last hurrah with the boys before the baby comes, and I thought that we did pretty well coming up with a compromise that was a stress free as possible for everyone involved. Unfortunately, the best laid plans, and all that crap. We're both just glad that he was able to have great time with his friends, no one got HFM, my mom is okay, and he didn't miss the baby being born.