'AITA for refusing to call my 2nd grader’s teacher 'Dr. Smith'?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting to call my 2nd grader’s teacher 'Dr. Smith'?"

I have a son in 2nd grade who is in a public school in the US that is fully remote. During the first week of school, I listened in on class. My son’s teacher, whom had signed the only email we had from her as Dr. Sarah Smith*, told the kids, “My name is Dr. Sarah Smith, but you don’t need to call me “Dr.” because I know that can be confusing because I’m not a medical doctor.

So you can just call me Sarah, Ms. Sarah or Ms. Smith (our school’s norm is calling teachers and staff by their first name).” I filed this info away for my own self, and went on with my day.

A few days later, all the teachers met with families to get to know each other. My son’s teacher came into the call and introduced herself as Dr. Sarah Smith. She was quite the talker and spent a lot of time talking about her background and credentials, but seemed pleasant and excited about her job. Near the end, I asked, “Ms. Sarah, can we still access the school library?” and she said, “Actually, it’s Dr. Smith. ...”

I was taken aback because I had recalled her telling my son’s class they could call her Ms. Sarah. I couldn’t figure out how to respond and felt rushed, so I quickly apologized for getting her name wrong and we signed off.

Meanwhile, as I’ve been helping my son with his work, I’ve been noticing how she signs her messages to students with “Ms. Sarah” and “Dr. Sarah Smith” with the parents. In the classes, the students were calling her both Sarah and Ms. Sarah. I was confused.

Fast forward to this week when we had our second parent/teacher meeting. Once again, my son’s teacher jumped headlong into our meeting without much greeting and spent most of the time talking. When I finally had the chance to speak, I once again addressed her as “Ms. Sarah” and she once again corrected me saying “actually, it’s Dr. Smith.”

So I said, “I’m glad this came up because I’ve overheard you say to the students they can call you Ms. Sarah and my son refers to you as that at home so that’s where my confusion is coming from.” She replied, “With parents, I prefer to be called Dr. Smith.” And then she steamrolled on until it was time to go.

Now I feel certain she’s just power tripping here. I don’t want to feed her ego, nor continue creating confusion in our house when my kid talks about his teacher Ms. Sarah and I’m talking to him about Dr. Smith. Yes, I’m an @$$hole for thinking “Is the ‘Dr.’ really warranted here?

We are just dealing with teaching a bunch of 8 year olds how to capitalize proper nouns and what division is” but I get there was likely more to her degree than that, and I can put that all aside when it comes to being respectful and honoring people’s wishes. However, all of this had made me feel like just referring to her generally from here on out.

So folks, am I missing out on some cultural norm here? AITA here for not wanting to call her Dr. Smith and feeling like she’s being egotistical?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

MAGAtthater said:

YTA. People work hard to get their doctorate. That is her title. Of course she knows that 2nd graders would have trouble with that. But you yourself , as an adult, should know how to use proper titles with people

afetian said:

YTA. She clearly told the CHILDREN to call her Ms. Sarah or Ms. Smith because they’re 2nd graders and wouldn’t understand the difference between a PHD doctor and an MD doctor. You however are a fully grown adult with a 2nd grade child and can differentiate between a medical doctor and a PHD.

To refuse to call her by her EARNED title is belittling, rude, and unappreciative of her commitment to education that she will now use to educate your children in ways that they would otherwise not be able to receive.

Grow up and call the woman by the title she earned. She’s already proven that she is qualified in that field by people much more knowledgeable in that field than you, she doesn’t need to prove it to you too.

[deleted] said:

YTA. You are a grown adult who can understand the difference between a PhD and an MD an 8yr old does not. It is not difficult to say Ms. Sarah when talking to your son but to address her as Dr. Smith when speaking to her. She’s made it very clear that is what she prefers I don’t get why you’re so confused about this.

Decent_Ad6389 said:

YTA. Your kids call you "mommy" and "daddy" but the teacher wouldn't call you that. Despite the fact that it's ok with you that your kids call you mommy and daddy, the teacher should call you Mr and Mrs Smith, because that would be more appropriate. If you prefered John and Jane, she'd likely respect that. Call her what she wishes, as she worked damn hard for that degree. It costs you nothing.

Crazed_rabbiting said:

NtA, sorry but I would call the teachers by their first name. I find the throwing around of titles in this setting to be obnoxious. I am a PhD (biomedical research) and I work with many PhDs, it is rare to find someone insisting on being called Dr so and so.

Everyone is on a first name basis with peers, employees, and students Usually, if someone does insist on being addressed by their title in these types of situations, they have a PhD from a lackluster institution or a shoddy professional background.

And StringLiteral said:

An adult with a PhD asking another adult to refer to her as "doctor" is being pretentious and rude. I'm honestly surprised how many people here would go along with such a request. To them: I prefer to be called "your highness". Meanwhile you're NTA.

P.S.: I have a PhD. They're not that hard to get.

She later shared this update:

OK, I'm found to be the @$$hole and I'm OK with that. In fact, I had a chance to address her this morning, and I called her Dr. Smith the way she had respectfully asked me to twice. I can see that I wasn't being respectful and yes, a bit of a petulant child.

I will say that it was interesting that most of the NTA's were also PhDs people who worked with them. I had a similar experience so now I can see where my confusion was in the cultural aspect of it. Thanks people of Reddit for weighing in and for (mostly) keeping it civil.