'AITA for not wanting to sell my property to contribute to a house purchase with my husband?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not wanting to sell my flat to contribute to a common house purchase with my husband?"

Tldr: Husband and I want to buy a home yogether. We both have property but he wants me to sell mine and keep his. I don't think it's fair. AITA?

I am a 33 year old woman, married to a 37 year old man. We have been married for 4 years. We met as we were both working as expats abroad but were always meant to go back to our home locations afterwards, England for me, Australia for him. When we met, I was worried about how how a relationship was going to work as he has two kids from a previous marriage.

At the time, he assured me that he would follow me wherever I needed to be. We both owned homes in our respective countries before marriage So we got married and my career became more settled in the UK. His career is more international and allows him to work from everywhere.(Note that he earns muuuch more than I do).

Nevertheless, we have been doing a lot of back and forth between the two countries, especially to make sure we spent as much time as possible with the kids. As I am getting older and thinking abiut having children, I would like like to start planning for that. I have started talking about us buying a house in the UK, with enough space for new kids to live in and older kids to come visit.

And here is the problem. He is adamant that we would need to sell my UK flat first to "limit our exposure to property". I mentioned that 1.we can afford to buy a home with both of our invomes without selling anything. Rental income on our current homes would be used to build an investment cushion

2. If we really needed to sell one home, it would make more sense to sell the Australian property, since no-one would live there anyway once we settle down in the UK (Kids live with their mother).

My worry here is that I feel that our contribution to this new home would not be equal if more than half of it came from the sale of a property I acquired prior to marriage, and spells out a lot about his commitment to us building a life together. Especially since we can afford it on both our incomes without selling anything. Also, moving down the line, I would like my child to benefit from inheriting my flat.

I understand and am very happy for my step kids and my future kids to inherit whatever we have acquired in common in equal parts. However I would like my bio kid to benefit from my pre marriage financial position in the same way that my step kids would be the only ones benefiting from whatever their mother would leave behind.

Also, if we were to separate, we would have to divide our common home, and he would keep his in Australia, which I don't think is fair (We have a prenup stating what was acquired before marriage is not common property) Therefore I refused to sell my flat and we are now at a stalemate. Am I the @$$hole?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say, including some responses from OP:

Doris_Useless said:

There is no logical reason for him to expect you to sell your property when he doesn't sell his. "Limiting exposure to property" is a bizarre argument to say the least especially as you can afford a new place together without issue.

It sounds like he's trying to control your finances, though I obviously don't have enough information to say anything definitive. Either way, you are correct and this is not a fair thing for him to ask for. NTA.

starbaeatlantis said:

NTA. You're right, if he's not selling his you shouldn't sell yours. Keep your home and save it for your future kids. If money isn't the reason then he has a no logical reason to think you should sell yours. Besides, what can he do if you don't sell your flat, throw a fit?

OP responded:

You are right there is nothing he can do but it puts a spanner in the works for us buying a place we can both call home and then get me pregnant. I have to admit that this has made me think about our future together and whether we are aligned enough to build a life together

laurakershaw said:

NTA. Either both of you should sell and contribute to a new home or neither of you should sell. You have a right to your property per the prenuptial agreement and it’s never smart to become more dependent on another person if you can afford not to (or at least make the sacrifices more equal so it’s a compromise).

I do worry about any resentment you might acquire from the step children, but it seems you have a decent relationship with them and want them to visit. I don’t think there’s anything in there that makes you the AH.

OP responded:

Thanks for this. You are right. Step children are awesome. It just all feels a bit unequal. He has kids, I don't. He would have a second home, I wouldn't, he earns twice what I earn but I am expected to contribute more to our common home than he would.... It doesn't feel very balanced and to be honest makes me worried about what would happen if we did separate.

zgrssd said:

NTA. In fact: Danger OP, Danger! My worry here is that I feel that our contribution to this new home would not be equal if more than half of it came from the sale of a property I acquired prior to marriage, and spells out a lot about his commitment to us building a life together.

I sounds like he is very committed - on making it as hard as possible to leave him, if things do not work out. That is a red flag, if I ever saw one. It could be he is scared of repeating whatever happened with his ex-wife. Or it could be simply that he is a control freak.

There is still a slim chance there is a actuall need for it - maybe owning that many properties in the same country, under the same familiy unit puts you into a legal classification as "estate agent" or similar, wich adds a lot of extra scrutiny and paperwork. But if so he should explain that. And you should verify that.

recalcitrantopinions said:

NTA. You say you feel like an AH because everything a married couple owns should be common property...but your prenup specifically says that does not apply to your flat. Your husband is an AH for pressuring you to go back on a deal I suspect he pressed for in the first place if his is the higher income.

OP responded:

Well we used to earn roughly the same when we got married due to traveling allowances. I don't get them anymore so my salary is now roughly half of what it used to. I wouls be happy to do the "put everything in a pot thing" but I feel exposed by his lack of desire to contribute equally to what is effectively a home for us and our family

After reading the comments, she shared this update:

I am overwhelmed by the amount of people who took the time to respond and provide thoughtful and well meaning comments. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!!!

The overwhelming opinion here is that I should maintain my position. I am going to have a conversation about how/where we both see our future, and whether thise views are compatible. If they are, I'll aim for us to have a equitable plan to invest in a common home. If not, I might be back to seek some dating advice 🤣 Thanks again guys, you are awesome!!!!

Good luck, OP!