'AITA for not wanting to sit down on Zoom with my boyfriend’s brother, his fiancée, and their therapist to 'talk it out?''
"AITA for not wanting to sit down on Zoom with my boyfriend’s brother, his fiancée, and their therapist to 'talk it out?'"
So this has been a whole thing, and I just need some outside opinions because I’m starting to feel a little crazy for just wanting peace and space.
Here’s some backstory:
My boyfriend’s brother is newly engaged. Before he got with his now fiancée, I already knew him. He was with a different girl at the time and I was already kind of close with the family. So when he got with the new girl, we weren’t strangers but I was still respectful.
Apparently, this girl felt like I didn’t acknowledge her the few times we were all around each other. Which I personally don’t feel is true. I’m naturally quiet no matter who I’m around.
I’m not rude, I’m just not the type to be overly talkative or extra friendly when I first meet someone. I did speak when we were around each other. But she told her fiancé that I was being distant or cold, and then he told my boyfriend, who brought it to me.
I was like okay, that’s kind of weird but I’ll be more intentional next time. So next time I saw her, I purposely went out of my way to say hi and be warm. This girl literally ignored me. Not just once. Three separate times.
One time at a family event, I got up to hug her and she literally hid behind her man to avoid saying hi to me. I was like wow okay. So clearly she’s already made up her mind about me.
Fast forward. They wanted to talk it out over the phone, but I wasn’t ready for that because it already felt tense and awkward. They called anyway, and we ended up getting into a heated argument.
After that, I told my boyfriend I’ll be cordial with her for the sake of family stuff, but I’m not trying to build a relationship or force anything fake. I tried and it didn’t get me anywhere.
Now my boyfriend’s brother wants to set up a Zoom meeting with me, his fiancée, their therapist, and my boyfriend to resolve things. I told my boyfriend I don’t want to do it. Respectfully no.
I’m not doing therapy with people I’m not even close to, especially when I’ve already tried to meet her halfway and she wasn’t open to it. He’s saying stuff like you know how important family is in our culture and that there are a lot of events coming up and we all need to get along.
But I genuinely feel like I’m not being mean or disrespectful. I just don’t want to force something. I’ll say hi, be polite, and keep it moving. But I don’t want to sit on Zoom and talk this out anymore. I tried.
Now their mom is even involved saying things like I don’t like this division, it’s not good. She’s upset because my boyfriend didn’t say happy birthday to his brother’s fiancée.
Which for the record, I didn’t tell him not to. I literally told him do whatever you feel like doing. He just chose not to say anything. So now it’s like all this pressure to fix something that’s just not that deep to me.
I also feel like if it has to go as far as therapy just to be cool with me, then it’s not genuine. How hard is it to just shoot me a text? I’m very open. If she texted me, I would respond.
I just feel like this whole thing is being blown out of proportion and doing way too much. So, AITA for saying no to this Zoom therapy convo? I need opinions because now I feel like the bad guy.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA Everyone is not always going to get along and be friends. And that’s okay!!! You can still be cordial around each other without being bffs. I would probably send one message to them all in a group chat and basically say that.
“I’m going to decline the therapy session. I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot. I tried to rectify it and that wasn’t reciprocated. However there really doesn’t need to any division or all this drama.
I’m capable of being friendly and cordial when we are together but it’s okay if we are not best friends. Future SIL if you ever want to grab coffee or chat you can message me and we can build our relationship authentically that way”.
Interesting-Depth265 (OP)
Thank you I will send her a message.
I am a Psychologist. Don't even think about going into that Zoom call. You don't know what kind of story she told to her therapist. For me, it may seem like she have issues, but it could also be that she is manipulating everyone around her to make you look like the person who caused all of this, to avoid taking responsibility for it. This is just another case of adults not being adults. NTA.
NTA She is just stirring garbage up. Be civil when you have to be around each other and let karma do the rest.
No therapist in their right mind would offer to do something like this. It’s unethical and you cannot be a vital part of this person’s treatment, which is the only way it would ever be appropriate to do a joint session with someone who’s not the client. If this story is true, they should get a new therapist. There’s no way you should follow through with it, because it’s bonkers.
NTA, but you do realise this massive oversensitivity and overthinking things seems normal to your BF? It's very over the top and overwrought and he sees this crazy Zoom encounter as a reasonable ask from you. This is how your BFs family interacts. It won't change. Plan accordingly.
Your future SIL is being manipulative. First she says that you are ignoring you, then you double your eforts to be nice, and she purposely avoids you and escalates, doubling down on her statements. Then she wants to have a zoom call with her therapist.
The bottom line is that you don't do therapy with an abuser, they take any weakness, any flaw that you expose, no matter how carefully you try to be positive and use it against you in every future encounter. Let your boyfriend know that you are still willing to be cordial, but that you continue to have no interest in a relationship now, or in the future.