'AITA for not wanting my wife and mother-in-law to keep reminding me to 'keep my voice down' before every family gathering?'
"AITA for not wanting my wife and mother-in-law to keep reminding me to 'keep my voice down' before every family gathering?"
I (45M) don’t have living parents, so all family gatherings are with my wife’s (36F) family. Early on, I often felt like an outsider at these events. Her father made it clear he didn’t think I was “good enough for his daughter.”
Her mother and I had a strained relationship due to our differing religious beliefs (I’m an atheist; she’s a devoted Christian). This dynamic left me mostly quiet and withdrawn during gatherings for years.
Then, a few years ago, something shifted. At a Thanksgiving dinner, I finally felt like part of the family. I’d had 2-3 glasses of wine, loosened up, and participated—laughing, joking, and engaging with everyone. For the first time, I left feeling like I belonged.
But that feeling didn’t last. On the way to Christmas dinner that same year, my wife gave me a talk in the car about “keeping my voice down,” citing her father’s migraines. She said I’d been too loud at Thanksgiving. While I know I can get enthusiastic and my volume rises when I’m excited, her comment caught me off guard and deflated me.
Then, while we were still on the road, I got a text from my mother-in-law with the same message: “Please be quieter this time.” It felt like they’d teamed up to police my behavior.
To be fair, they weren’t entirely wrong—I can be loud when I’m excited—but this was the second time in ten minutes I was being told to “tone it down.” Instead of feeling welcome, I felt rejected and embarrassed. It shattered the enthusiasm I’d finally found with her family, and sure enough, I was sullen and withdrawn that Christmas. I felt like “the outsider” all over again.
Since then, this has become a pattern. Before every gathering—whether at their house, a restaurant (even loud ones), or other events—I get reminders from both my wife and mother-in-law to keep my voice down.
And every time, it crushes my desire to participate. It’s hard not to see it as them prioritizing her father’s comfort over my feeling of inclusion. The constant reminders make me feel like I’m an embarrassment to them.
I know I’m taking this personally, but it’s hard not to. I don’t need the reminders anymore—I’m well aware of the issue by now—but their repeated warnings only deepen the wedge I feel between me and the family.
This morning, my wife reminded me again to “keep it down” at tonight’s Christmas dinner. I’m already dreading the text I expect to get from my mother-in-law later today. I can’t help but feel resentful, like they’ve conditioned me to avoid engaging entirely.
So… AITA? Am I being too sensitive about a legitimate health concern for my father-in-law, or are they overstepping by handling this in a way that guarantees I’ll never feel fully comfortable around them again?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Simply tell them both that you got the message the first time and they do not need to constantly remind you. The reasoning of it is BS as if her Dad has a migraine at every get together.
You are not wrong but I would suggest simply monitoring your tone and if you don’t feel like going or don’t feel welcome DON’T GO. The fact that your wife does nothing to include you is very telling as well but that’s a subject for another post.
“Since my volume is never low enough to please you and your family I shall stay silent at dinner by not attending. The most respectful thing i can do for FIL’s fragile health is not exacerbate it. Have a wonderful evening!” Say that to your wife.
One time I stayed home from a toxic holiday visit and had a grand time! It truly felt so good and so free and so fun to do whatever I wanted without judgement. Highly recommend it!
Honestly I would be angry and probably say something like, "This seems to be a real issue with your family and yourself. You clearly don't think I am capable of remembering this so let me do you all a favor. I will stay home and celebrate with friends who are okay with me as I am. Go have fun. I won't intrude any more. It's clear I'm not welcome."
Tell your wife to go on her own. Celebrate at home and be as damn loud as want.
NTA. Why do you keep going to these things? You only live once, spend time were you feel welcome.
As a fellow loud talker I feel this. I have to police myself at work, in social situations, etc. It's hard when it comes from someone else...especially when they seem to be ganging up on you. Tell your wife it hurt you. But, as an adult who is self-aware, you do have to watch yourself in the presence of others if you want to.
Info - OP, has your father-in-law ever asked you to lower your volume? Because, he's the one with the actual medical concern that is supposedly impacted by your volume. And if he hasn't said anything to you, I would ask him about it directly.
You're taking it personally, because it's personal! It's your volume. And, I don't think I would be attending an event again, after being scolded like a child. I might also have a private conversation with my wife, asking her what is prompting her to tell you to be quieter.
Does her father complain about you, to her? Is he complaining to his wife, who then complains to her daughter/ your wife? Because, for two people to tell you the same thing within minutes of each other, feels a lot like triangulation.
ClarkParker79 (OP)
No, he’s never said word one to me on the subject. And if anything it was his engagement with me on that first thanksgiving that had me feeling connected in the first place.