OCD husband wants to divorce Perimenopausal wife after she 'splits his head open.' AITA? Released from HOSPITAL + CONCLUDED.
When this man is furious with his wife and wants to leave her immediately, he asks Reddit:
(OP has now provided a major udpate about the aftermath of the hospitalization.)
Before we provide you with the major update, let's review the original post!
"AITAH (50m) for wanting to divorce my wife (45f) because she caused me to go to the ER?"
Bit long, sorry in advance. I now see how easy it is when writing down your thoughts. As I always wondered why people wrote so much. So my wife (45f) and I (50m) have been married for almost 20 yrs. We have a 16 yr old daughter, and life has been pretty good.
We've had our ups and downs like any marriage. But we worked together through it. We have even done MC a couple of times to get ourselves on the right track. (Mostly IRL stuff and feeling like roomates).
When it comes to household chores. I've always cleaned the house, as I'm a bit OCD with cleaning due to growing up in a house with roaches as a kid.
She takes care of the laundry, and we split making dinners on days I'm off as I work 12 hours a day, 4 days a week. Kiddo takes care of the dishes.
So here in lies the issue. The wife is going through perimenopause. She's been super emotional and a bit unlike herself for the last 6 months or so. She is taking meds to help even out her hormones, but it's taking time.
One day, she is overly nice, the next day complaining about every little thing and getting all bent out of shape.
So yesterday morning was one of her bad days. I forgot to set up the coffee pot to make coffee in the morning. When I went down, she was all bent out of shape over it. I tried my normal tactic of apologizing, as I had a migraine and went to bed early and just forgot.
Told her I would make coffee in a bit as I just woke up and needed a little bit to get the morning fog out of my head. Typical thing for me in the morning.
She didn't like this answer, so as I went to sit on the couch, she threw her coffee cup at me. Causing it to smash into my head, breaking and splitting my head open.
At first, I was pissed that she actually threw something at me like WTF, but then felt liquid (blood obviously as I couldn't see it) going down my neck. I put my hand on it, pulled it back, thinking it was coffee, then saw the blood. I was bleeding everywehre, horror movie style.
Of course, at the sight of this, my wife all the sudden freaked out. My wife screamed at my daughter to get a towel. All the while apologizing to me and crying, stating she was sorry.
We headed to the ER and had our daughter drive as wife couldn't as she was a hot mess. Luckily, it wasn't so deep that it needed stitches, and they used that glue stuff.
The thing is, I had a rough childhood/home life. I was physically abused by my mom all the way up until I left at 18. My wife knows this, and when she did what she did, it brought back all those memories so long ago forgotten.
I love my wife, but I swore to myself that I would never be in a place where I'd be abused ever again. And now I don't know know if I would be the AH if I file for divorce because of this.
I know her hormones are partially to blame, but also know she's an adult and responsible for her actions. I guess I'm just looking for advice wondering if AITAH if I decide to leave. Maybe I just needed to vent a little, too.
Let's take a look at some of the top responses:
celticmess writes:
Is your wife unable to make coffee? (Serious question, is she somehow disabled which would explain not making the coffee herself?)
You need to sit her down and have a very serious conversation about domestic violence, the criminal consequences of physical assault, and your boundaries. I've known dozens of women who struggled with perimenopause and not one of them assaulted someone.
Be clear to her that, while you do love her, that can't ever happen again under any circumstances-- that if it were to happen again you would immediately file for divorce.
It sounds like she needs some mental health intervention and the spectre of divorce could be the wake up call she needs.
immediatefinger writes:
WHOA. Wtf. NTA dude. I’m premenopausal and it’s hell, I mean genuine hell. I’m paranoid, I hear things, I sweat all the time, I can’t sleep.
I’m insanely angry constantly and my fuse is short and lit. And I would NEVER ever be physical in any way let alone throwing a coffee cup.
That’s straight out abusive behaviour and hormones, even insane ones, are not an excuse. It doesn’t matter if you had a horrible childhood or an ideal one. Your trauma does not make you any less or more deserving of physical assault.
If she’s assaulting you she’s lost her fg mind. And even mental illness does not mean you have to tolerate an assault. She needs to see a doctor immediately. If she can’t restrain herself from getting physical she has lost her ability to control herself.
excellentcliet7 writes:
NTA. She physically assaulted you and caused you to go to the ER. I'm a women and have hormones and this isn't acceptable. I would suggest taking her to the doctor asap and getting yourself and your daughter a safe place to go.
I would never tell someone to stay with someone who put them in the ER so it's up to you whether this is divorce worthy in your eyes or maybe take some time apart while she gets herself under control. There is never a justifiable reason for throwing your coffee and coffee cup at someone.
keegums writes:
Absolutely not. Tell her to leave indefinitely, if she won't then separate. She needs serious help. If she doesn't see that then divorce asap. If she leaves without issue and spends time doing everything to get better, it might save the marriage. But it might not if your trust is completely gone.
She needs to separate and get her ass to multiple Drs immediately for the psychiatric emergency of harming others, for her own sake.
This is necessary even if the marriage cannot be saved. If she doesn't go willingly then it may be a lost cause by default.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nobody expects this after a couple decades of marriage. It must have been so frightening and I hope you heal up quick and can live in safety. How is your daughter handling it?
irowells writes:
Hormones really can make you feel like someone you aren't. To me the most important question is - do these rages ever happen to anyone but you?
Because if you are the only one she ever blows up at, if she never destroys her stuff but only yours, if somehow your daughter is spared the brunt of the "hormones" and you get it all, if she doesn't randomly explode on coworkers or her boss or her friends...then it's not just hormones, and she is in control of herself even as she claims she isn't.
NTA no matter what you decide. Even if it IS hormones, you are NTA for deciding that staying is a risk to your own physical and mental health, and that it's not a risk you're willing to accept.
weardreamer writes:
How about a separation to start? Ask her to move out, or move out yourself, whichever makes more sense for you both.
That said, a very big NTA, and I’m so sorry that it happened.
Edit: After I gave birth, I had intense feelings of rage towards my husband that often needed a physical expression. I threw pillows at the sofa and stuffed toys at the floor, WHEN I WAS ALONE.
I also once overturned an empty play yard when I was by myself and there was nobody else at home. That is to say, even though I was hormonal and blind with range, I still had enough control and sense of self to not throw breakable things, and not subject my loved ones to my outbursts as they happened.
I also got myself into anger management therapy and sought help for my issues. I think what she does in response to will be important information for you to consider when deciding what to do. Nevertheless, physically separating yourself from her while she does whatever she needs to do to overcome this is more than fair in my opinion.
illustriouspain8 writes:
honestly her purimenopause is no excuse for her to be violent enough to throw something that can actually kill you. and she did and it actually injured you.
men get jail time for pulling shit like this. iv seen ways too many women using their periods and menopause as an excuse to become abusive and violent.
too many to count. iv actually argued a legal case where the woman actually hit her husband in the head with a rolling pin because she was having pain from period cramps. the guy ended up with a concussion and a week long stay in the hospital.
the wife was besides herself with grief over what she did but the minute the guy was out of the hospital, he went straight to the cops and filed a complaint against her for assault.
so, you may love her. you may have a daughter with her but shes clearly capable of doing worse. my simple suggestion would be to separate yourself and your daughter from her and then take a call on whether you want to proceed with divorce or not.
And now, OP's most recent update about the situation. Take a look!
First I want to thank everyone for you responses. When I first posted I thought I would get just a few replies. Obviously I got way more than a few and was just overwhelmed by the shear volume of comments. So never replied but I did my best to read them all, however working 12 hour days doesn't leave me much free time.
So before the update, figured I'd answer some questions that everyone asked. My daughter and I are safe. So thank you again for your worries and concerns.
My wife has never had anger issues or thrown stuff ever. Not to say she hasn't yelled or lost her temper (normal when we've had arguments, as we all do)
However she does have depression and anxiety and takes meds for those as well. Sorry if my post made it seem like I was making excuses for her. I was and am not. She's an adult and responble for her actions.
Also some people mentioned I gave pointless info in the first few paragraphs. I figured it was best to point out that her actions wasn't due to me be being a lazy husband.
Ok onto the bit long Update: So after posting here, I took some time to cool off as I clearly was still mad about the situation. I took my daughter and we went for a drive. We talked about this issue and asked her how she felt.
Much like most of the responses here, we agreed that it would be a good idea to leave the house for a bit, until her mom/my wife's mental issues have been resolved/meds adjusted.
We headed back home and I asked my wife to come down so we could have a family meeting. As she'd been hiding in our bedroom since we came home from the hospital.
She came down and clearly feels awful, looked like she hadn't stopped crying since the incident. We both hugged her and told her we loved her but we needed to talk.
I told her for at least this week and maybe next week, we were going to stay at my sister's place. She could stay in the house as she works from home and can't go into the office. She started to cry again, so waited for her to compose herself and finished.
I let my wife know what she did was abuse. And then, I created an ultimatum. I reminded her of my childhood and that although this was outside of her normal behavior, it has caused a rift in our marriage. But I was willing to give her this 1 time pass.
However she Has to go see her doctor like yesterday. Tell her everything that happened. Everything she was feeling, not to sugar coat anything so that her doctor can get her the right meds so that this never happens again.
As many of you mentioned, it would be dumb of me to throw away 20yrs for a one time f up. (When I posted I was still pretty pissed) Although it was a huge f up, I think it's something we can work through.
I told her that we need to setup an appointment with a MC again. That this is gonna take work on both our parts to move forward.
I also told her that if she ever did anything like that again. I would file for divorce and take our daughter with me. That her and my safety was my number one priority.
She apologized several times during the talk. She tried telling us that she's all messed up with with her hormones and the meds and she didn't mean too. That when she threw it, it was like as soon as it left her hands she knew she fd up.
I let her know that we understand she's going through a lot. But that her hormonal issues are never an excuse for acting out and intentionally throwing stuff at me. That she's an adult and she's responsible for her own actions. Blaming it on hormones or meds or other bs wasn't gonna cut it. (I did get a bit heated at this point).
She at least acknowledged this and apologized again. So this is were we are at this point. We are at my sister's place now as I write this. Sorry again for the stupidly long post. Again, thank you all you internet strangers for taking the time to read and comment. It allowed me to vent and also get some clarity.
Readers weren't done weighing in on OP's dilemma:
ireallyhatefish writes:
You should go with her to the doctor. When people act irrationally at home, don't expect them to act rationally at the doctor's office. The doctor is going to need some perspective from people your wife is close to, meaning you.
Your wife might understand that her behaviour here was wrong but she doesn't have the full scope of it and there are likely tons of details you've noticed that she hasn't noticed herself.
I started acting super out of character in 2014 and my husband gave me an ultimatum of going to the doctor or he'd leave. He came with me and there were so many things that I had no idea about. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
We're still together and have a great relationship and family life. I've never abused him though.
alertpotato writes:
I'm glad you aren't just sweeping it under the rug. But I'm still really bothered that you're taking really terrible advice.
Nobody sane would ever say to a woman "don't throw away 20 years of marriage over a mistake" if that woman's husband put her in the hospital by chucking a mug at her head. Chucking mugs at another person's head is not a mistake. Abuse is not a mistake.
If you insist on this path, you need to go to that appointment with her. She's still trying to say this isn't her fault, so she is not going to be honest unless you are holding her feet to the fire by being present.
Also, the first thing you need to say to the marriage counselor is that you are there because she chucked a mug at your head and put you in the hospital. Because as a rule, it is never appropriate to attend therapy with your abuser.
So if you're going to do that, you need that in the open first thing so the counselor can address your wife's behavior outside of of the counselor's office while you address your marriage issues with them.
gdessn writes:
It's good to hear that you and your daughter are safe and that you've taken steps to address the situation with your wife. It's commendable that you're approaching this with understanding and a commitment to work through the challenges together.
Taking time to cool off and have a family discussion was a wise decision. It's important for your wife to seek help from her doctor and address her mental health issues, and it's encouraging that you've emphasized the importance of therapy and medication adjustments.
Setting boundaries and making it clear that safety is a priority in your relationship is essential. Your willingness to give your wife a chance to work through this is a positive step, but it's also important for her to take responsibility for her actions and commit to making changes.
Therapy and open communication will be key in rebuilding trust and moving forward as a family. Remember to take care of yourself and your daughter throughout this process. Wishing you all the best as you navigate these challenges together.
agentladyhawkeye writes:
I'm glad you're going to be getting out of the house while she gets more help. I do think menopause is likely responsible for the sudden mood issues and this episode of violent behavior.
And I wonder if her doctor hasn't been taking it seriously enough before now. It's very possible she's on something that's less than what she really needs to help stabilize her moods. It wouldn't be the first time a doctor didn't take a woman's symptoms seriously until something drastic happened.
If she hadn't already been dealing with hormone related mood issues I'd have been a lot more worried about this being a sign of something more. I can understand you still being wary about the whole thing.
It's a horrifying thing to have happen. I know so many people were suggesting that you leave and I think it should definitely still be on the table. However as long as she gets better help and works to learn how to manage these emotional upheavals your marriage might be worth trying to save.
Although you should probably look into solo therapy for you and your daughter too.
ckm7 writes:
You handle this horrifying incident with class, dignity, and respect. I am sure it was difficult to do for you and your wife. You have begun a dialog that she is aware that her hormones will no longer be an acceptable excuse for her behavior. This protects you and your daughter against any future. "I'm sorry."
As I mentioned in my previous post, she needs a team of doctors. Her gynecologist to monitor and adjust her hormones treatments. A psychiatrist to monitor and adjust her mental health medication.
Lastly, she is going to need a good therapist. I say this bc I am sure when her menopause is being effectively treated, she is going to experience a difficult time dealing with what she put you. This is her boat to row, and she must do it for herself, and she must be vigilant.
I say it's her boat bc you and she aren't in the same boat right now. Your boat requires you to find help for your pain and her abuse. You are your daughter's protector. This is where you should be. Please don't get in her boat and help row her boat harder than she is willing to bc it will only keep you going in circles.
Good luck, and I pray all works out regardless of how it works out bc either way, it will be the best for everyone.
qnaima writes:
Great update and you handled it like a pro. Not excusing your wife but some women do have a very rough perimenopause/menopause. I have always been an even-tempered, calm, cool and collected woman.
This served me well as a Naval officer. However, when I turned 38, perimenopause began. I had the worst migraines I'd ever had. I asked my bestie to drive me to the ER because I thought I was stroking, the pain was so unbearable. Thankfully, they were able to treat it and I got meds to ensure the pain was manageable.
In my late forties, the mood situation started. I didn't have mood swings, per se, but I had the darkest, most violent thoughts. I was silently freaking out because this was not me. I took a Tai Chi class to calm myself down.
One day, the instructor, whom I loved, was explaining the history of a move with such a monotone voice, I suddenly had this vision of striking him, repeatedly and loving it. Immediately, I excused myself from class and sat in my car, shaking.
I ended up cutting off my long nails because I drew blood from my own palm, trying to calm rage. The interesting part is, I never showed this side to my husband. He had no idea what I did to myself to keep from exploding with rage, especially around him. It didn't help that my beloved father died during this time.
My doctor was awesome! She was going through all of this too (we're the same age) so I actually had someone who had the medical knowledge as well as the personal knowledge. She told me there were meds I could take to even out these vivid, horrible thoughts, that I didn't have to just suck it up and stress so hard. When I told my husband, he was stunned.
Your wife needs to go hard on getting treatment. I controlled my rage but hurt myself. She has branched out into hurting her loved one. That rage is incredibly horrible, hurtful and stressful, not only on the outside but the inside too. Keep your daughter safe until such time she is evened out.
I hope her therapist gives her exercises to do to remove herself from situations that may bring on these feelings. My therapist gave some that were less hurtful to myself. Best thing ever!
I learned how to do many things to get myself to a place where I was calm and tranquil, even with the unopposed estrogen (or lack thereof) running through my body. Please, OP's wife... get help and quickly. You'll never regret it.