'I overheard MIL criticizing me on the nanny cam while I was recovering from a traumatic birth in the hospital.'
"I overheard MIL criticizing me on the nanny cam while I was recovering from a traumatic birth in the hospital."
My relationship with my mother-in-law (MIL) has always been okay, but it shifted when I became pregnant. Although she often asks how I’m doing, she tends to divert the conversation to her own experiences from over 30 years ago. She’s one of those baby boomers who shares Facebook facts as if they are gospel in our family chat.
Fast forward to the day my little one arrived earlier than expected. I faced several complications and almost died a few times. My baby had to receive antibiotics for a week, along with numerous tests. Fortunately, she is strong and recovering well, but she still needed to stay in the nursery due to her premature weight.
In the meantime, my MIL temporarily moved in to help get our house in order, and I often thank her when I can. However, an issue arose when I was about to be discharged.
She became upset about the plan to transfer my baby to a closer hospital. The hospital I had been at was about 50 minutes away, and they wanted to move my baby to the same hospital group but just closer to us.
We didn’t have much choice in the matter, as it was a public hospital policy that the baby goes where the mother is. My doctor signed off on the transfer since my baby was healthy enough for a 40-minute transfer using a specialized ambulance service organized by the hospital.
However, my MIL threw a tantrum and called someone to express her frustration. She was upset about the supposed disruption to my baby’s progress, claiming that my little one was doing fine. She accused me of being a chronic liar and said I only agreed to what my doctor recommended without doing my own research.
By "research," she meant using Google, despite my husband being an accomplished scientist. She also mentioned that my sister-in-law was more thorough in her research than I was.
I trust my obstetrician because she saved my life twice and is more than qualified to make decisions on my behalf, which is why I chose her, even though she is a bit pricey.
I found out about this because we have a camera at home, and while checking on my pets, I overheard those conversations. I told my husband, and he was livid. He called his mother and confronted her.
He didn’t tell me specifics about their conversation, as he didn’t want to stress me further, but he promised to discuss it when things settled down. He mentioned that his mother was sorry but accused him of spying on her before she apologized.
She later texted me a short apology and also apologized in person when I got home, giving me a hug. I didn’t say much at the time because I was a bit drowsy from medication, but now that the dust has settled, I realize I should address the situation. I'm also worried that she might become an overbearing grandmother to my baby if I let this slide.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You're not spying on her if it is your house and your cameras - a classic move to make her badly behaving self the victim. Be sensitive to this kind of thing ... she could easily think everything to do with your daughter is up for debate and her approval.
She only apologized because she was caught and there was no way to excuse her behavior. If she was able to speak bad on you at your most vulnerable moment she does not seem like a safe person and I can bet my last dollar that wasn’t the first time she had spoken about you in that way, it’s just the first time she was caught and called out on it.
You don't need that kind of help. Hire a maid service for a few weeks/months. There's no way that you can heal and properly bond with your child while worrying about MIL undermining you behind your back...in your own home. Until she's out the door, put up more cameras, conspicuous ones. She can avoid being "spied on" in her own home.
Sounds like MIL isn't sorry, she's just sorry she got caught. OP is right, she needs to set boundaries now, looking to the future.
Might become overbearing? OP, she already is. She inserted herself into your child’s medical care behind your back and is critical of your parenting decisions and baby is only a few weeks old. Time to change her return date home ASAP. She needs to go.
Let’s focus on some positives first. DH totally has your back, he’s a rock star! Added bonus: he’s a scientist. I can only imagine his frustration with his mother’s nonstop momalogue about how “back in the day, we immunized our children by driving them around town in the bed of a pick up truck.”. And whatever other survival of the fittest crap she believes about raising kids based on the 1970’s.
The problematic negative was her characterizing you as a chronic liar. When you’re in a healthier space, this would be the aspect to discuss with DH. You have choices and only you can decide what relationship you want going forward.
Your MIL has shown you how she reacts when she disagrees with you—venting & making harmful accusations, rather than seeking you out to discuss concerns like a reasonable person. My hope is that you continue making sound decisions based on what is best for your health and that of your child. Keep her at arm’s length, let DH buffer her BS.
ThoroughlyAblaze (OP)
Definitely glad my husband is not a mama's boy. He has been defending me from anyone who's got anything bad to say against me, been handling all the stress gracefully and smashing it being a first time dad to LO especially when I was recovering. He is the best 🥹
OP, MIL just gave you the perfect opening to put her on an info diet. Why would you want to update her on anything if she is calling you a liar behind your back! I'd taken some time out to bond with your newborn once they get home and put MIL on time out for a few weeks so you have time to heal and bond without her hovering.
When you are ready address it from the point that this isn't the kind of behavior you want your child to be influenced by. Also don't have MIL over unless your DH is present. MIL may have apologised because your DH backed her into the corner but MIL can now deal with the fallout of her rudeness.