'Am I overreacting to my BF sharing our bed with his female friend?' UPDATED

"Am I overreacting to my BF (M, 28) sharing our bed with his female friend?"

My bf (M, 28) and I (F, 25) are in a ldr. I was with him two weeks ago and I helped him set his new place, made it very much my own cause I might move in with him there later this year and I want him to feel home when he comes back from work. I’m now in my hometown, away from him.

Last week, he told me that his girl friend is coming to see him and I but she, unfortunately, missed me by a day. She was supposed to meet him, spend some time, have dinner and leave but she stayed longer than expected. I don’t know why my gut feeling didn’t feel right. Later when I called him, she was still there, it was past midnight.

She told us that her situationship/bf is coming to pick her up (his drive was probably an hour or two long). I didn’t mind tbh, I was like she’ll leave so it’s okay. He calls me again later around 3am, and she’s still there, in our bed all very comfortable watching a movie while he’s outside in the living room FaceTiming me.

He said she’s gonna leave in an hour or so so we just chatted for an hour more but she is very comfortable inside so he goes inside and us three are chatting away in FaceTime but I fell asleep and woke up the next morning and my mind straight went to the question. Did she leave or not? So I called him and I asked him did she leave?

He said no so I asked where is she sleeping cause I know he’s in our bed. He says on the other side of the bed. When I say, I felt my heart sink, I FELT MY HEART SINK!

I trust my man with all my heart and soul but I don’t trust her. I don’t know her and I’ve only spoken to her once on the same FaceTime her & I were talking. I went off on him. I was upset and I still am very upset about it.

He’s apologized and said sorry many times and I’ve forgiven him but the thought of him in the same bed as her even though they haven’t done anything makes my skin crawl, I become restless and very very anxious. I obviously hate her now. I’m travelling to him day after tomorrow and I just can’t even think of sharing the same space with him. The thought makes me so uncomfortable.

I told him he has to clean the entire place, every nook and corner and make sure no trace of her is left and he did that but it didn’t make me feel ANY better. She also asked him his shorts cause her jeans were uncomfortable so when I first spoke to her, she was wearing his boxers short and my room slippers getting comfy in our apartment.

My gut feeling was going nuts since then. What do I do? Am I overthinking and overreacting to it? He’s even said he’ll get a new mattress and throw the old one but i still feel very hurt and the thought makes me very uncomfortable.

What do you think? Is she overreacting? This is what commenters had to say:

ObligationNo2288 said:

I assume there is a couch in the living room. I also assume there is a tv in the living room. There is NO reason for her to be in the bedroom. I also don’t believe her BF was going to pick her up.

radicantlady said:

He defiantly crossed a boundary - no real justified excuse for it. The couch was an option - he allowed another woman into your bed. Very disrespectful to you and your relationship. I would be just as upset and honestly, for me, it would be a deal breaker.

[deleted] said:

This is EXTREMELY inappropriate. “Missed you by a day”???? Coincidence. Im really sorry this happened to you. This is so wrong.

Hungry_Godzilla said:

If it's me, I would have cancelled the trip and the whole relationship.

Historical-Egg3243 said:

He got two girlfriends. You're basically in an open relationship rn

balancedbreaks said:

So, if her boyfriend was already on his way at midnight from two hours away, where did he sleep? The math isn’t mathing. To me, this sounds like it was planned. She shows up the day after you leave. Is supposed to have a ride home that apparently doesn’t show up. And neither of them think twice about getting comfortable in your bed, in your belongings, with your boyfriend.

If you hadn’t had a gut feeling and called after midnight, and then called first thing in the morning, my guess is, he wouldn’t have told you a thing. He likely face timed you early in the am to make it seem accidental but, once you fell asleep, they both got comfortable together.

No man sleeps in a bed with another woman and allows her to wear his boxers and your slippers if they are just friends. This is WAY too comfortable for friendship. Cleaning won’t change their relationship and erase your doubts. Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me.

She later shared this update:

First, thank you to everyone for commenting and replying. It really gave me a good perspective on things. I need to clear few things and questions that have been asked. My bf and I have known each other for six years, we were very good friends and are almost into a year of being together.

The apartment is a one bedroom, one living room with a kitchen. It’s a small place, enough for two. Yes, there is a couch in the living room, no tv though.

The city that he lives in isn’t considered safe for women so traveling at night all by herself wouldn’t be a wise decision. He was willing to help but she said her bf is coming to pick her up. He (her bf) was travelling from another city so he would take about 3-4 hours but that was when she has just arrived. By the time they ate, he should have been there but she said two more hours which never happened.

They’ve known each other for a few years. She came into his friend group through one of his best friend. She is his best friend’s ex. And they are very much still in love but in denial. My bf considers her as his like sister friend. I recently knew her through my bf but most of the girls from the his group don’t like her which I think I should’ve just listened to.

For people asking how do I know he didn’t cheat - I just know! I know how he is as a person. He has been cheated on before and he’ll never inflict that kind of pain on anyone. He’s sometimes naive and emotionally dumb but not heartless.

What I meant by I trust him but not her is cause I didn’t get good vibes from her the moment he introduced us in ft. I don’t know her to trust her. Yes, I do agree that he should have slept on the couch or literally anywhere but not on our bed.

He has apologized and when I woke him up he knew he messed up. I could see it on his face. His story is they were chatting and he fell asleep which he didn’t intend to and later when he woke up, she was already dead asleep. He regrets sleeping and not getting up. He has apologized every single day and has asked what he can do make it right.

He promised that will never happen again (I didn’t ask him to promise). I asked him to clean the place and remove all traces of her cause it makes my skin crawl with just the thought of him sleeping with another woman that isn’t me in our bed. Hence, I asked if I’m overreacting.

It’s a really weird situation and a painfully strange feeling. I just want to be okay and not feel this way. He is trying everything in his power to make it right but I’m not able to move from it.