Parents kept daughter's adoption secret for 30 years; DNA test reveals hidden origins and lost relatives. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"My parents are lying to me. I know I’m adopted."
I found out last night from a 23and me test that I’m most likely adopted or my biological dad isn’t my dad at the very least (not enough info on moms side to be 100% sure).
I honestly always had my suspicions, like the lack of pregnancy photos with my mom (who is obsessed with taking photos of everything) and a birth certificate with a different name on it that my brother found of his.
When I found out she went on a backpacking trip to Europe when she was supposedly 7 months pregnant with my brother and I was 1 years old and the pictures of her looked like she wasn’t pregnant, this is what caused me to get a test. I got one for my brother but he backed out at the last minute for certain reasons I won’t get into. He says he is over them though, and is going to get one now.
I got the results of the test late last night, and I have a great grandfather on my dad’s side who isn’t supposed to be my great grandfather or supposed to be alive, but is actually alive and well! I also have an aunt, a few half aunts and half cousins, and a couple cousins I never knew existed and I don’t recognize any of the names.
My dad’s family was also all boys so NONE of this makes sense. I asked my parents to take a dna test and they refused, so I don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t know what to feel. So far I guess I feel a lot of shock and a good bit of anger.
*I just want to say that I realize now that my dad could have different bio parents and not realize it. But that is the only explanation based off the genetics in the 23 and me profile.
I am not giving out all the info on why adoption seems likely bc it’s a lot of details but both my brother and boyfriend and I heavily suspect it. I am happy for the support I was given, no matter how small it was, in the comments. Thank you, it helped me realize that there are still a few alternative options.
*I just wanted to edit to say that part of my brothers genetic results came back. He is 25% Italian. We have no Italian in our family and I am 0% Italian. But that’s not even the most damning part. Our maternal haplops are different.
I looked it up, and this means that we have different moms. I am going to take an ancestry test to try to find out more about my biological family’s history. Thanks to everyone who was kind and helpful. To everyone who says it’s nbd, that’s what I thought too until it actually happened to me and now it has actually affected me a lot.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
So it sounds like you didn’t actually do a DNA test against either of your direct parents. You determined nothing, aside from finding a relative that clearly shares blood with your parents. Last names changes happen frequently. You can’t use that as a basis for your suspicions. You also can’t use the lack of photo evidence or how a woman shows during pregnancy.
Also, many woman don’t feel comfortable with taking pictures during pregnancy. I certainly didn’t. I have one single picture that is floating around on Facebook that could easily be erased forever. It kinda sounds like you’re hell bent on tearing your family apart or seeking some kind of attention. I feel bad for your brother.
What % does it say you share with your moms DNA? Should be right around 50%.
spiritwarrior1994 (OP)
The parents that raised me aren’t on there. It’s other relatives, like my great grandfather that isn’t supposed to be alive but actually is. And none of the last names match mine.
I was lucky enough to get into contact with my half cousin, who funnily enough IS actually an egg donor and that’s why she’s on there, and she has the whole family tree mapped out going back to the 1800’s and there’s no relation to any of the relatives I know or my last name. And she has like 30 last names on her family tree if you go just backwards.
You know, your brother getting tested is the best way of putting all of this to rest.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
I found out, at 30, through 23andme, that I was adopted. I confronted my parents and they admitted, finally, that both my brother and I are actually adopted. They told me my birth story and apparently both my brother and I were born to teen moms. My mom was connected to me and it was an open adoption and she kept in contact for a couple years, but my brothers mom not so much.
After my parents disclosure of my bio mom’s name, I told my second cousin and she knew who my bio mom was. The names and situation ended up completely matching up. I guess my adoption was not a secret at all in their family.
My cousin said she would reach out to her to see if she wanted to talk to me at all. But yeah, I’m nervous. I know there is a good chance she won’t want to talk and I will just have to get to know my extended family and accept what it is. But I’m secretly hoping so, SO much that she wants to talk to me. Has anyone been through this before? How did it work out for you?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's another update:
I'm sorry that everyone lied to you. It is best that YOU be the one who reaches out to your natural mom, and no one else.
I’m sorry that everyone in your family has been lying to you for the last 30 years. That’s insane to me.
I just… wow. I can’t get over the lies and deception that so many of us live with unwittingly. Happy that you know more of the story now. I hope you can connect with your birth mom directly and hear her story right from her. I can’t tell you how healing it was for both me and my birth mom when that happened.
Two days later, the OP returned with another update.
I mostly found out through 23andme. I first did the test on myself 2 months ago, and it came back with a completely different family line. I was so freaked out, because I had honestly been suspicious from the start, so I confronted my parents.
Unfortunately, they continued to lie to me. Another red flag is my parents had been completely against me getting the test even to begin with. To settle the matter, I took advice from offmychest (see my last post) and my brother did the test right after my results came back.
His results came in yesterday, and I saw that we had a different maternal haplop. This means we are NOT related by mother. His family tree also did not match mine or my parents.
My parents were upset when they had found out my brother got the test and wanted me to shut the test down, but I did not want to do that until I at least saw his results first, and I did in fact make sure I was first to see them before he did. When I saw the shocking results, I then paused the account, essentially, until I at least could figure this out with my parents.
I confronted my parents, again, and they finally told the truth. Long story short: they were infertile and they adopted me and my brother from teen moms after a failed round of IVF. I won’t get into the details, but the story of both me and my brother’s adoption honestly explains SO much of my life, it’s crazy.
I found my birth mom immediately because I had already been talking to my cousin and I said my bio mom’s name and she recognized it immediately. I sent her a message, and it turns out I have so many other half siblings, just on my mom’s side! I have been talking to my half sister who is pretty close in age to me as well.
They all said they were waiting for this moment their entire life and said so many sweet things and i literally cried throughout the day it was so emotional! So I am going to keep talking to them and see where things go. Hopefully we can become close eventually.
Despite all this, and all the lies and bullshit where my entire family knew about this and lied my entire childhood and adult life, and despite the fact that I’m not happy with my parents, they are still my parents.
I feel awkward on the etiquette of names for my bio mom, and I DO hope I can become close with her, but my mom is ALWAYS going to be my adoptive mom. Weirdly enough, this almost affirms that they really, truly, wanted me in a weird way.
I know deep down my mom is worried she would be replaced, or have competition for the role of mom and that’s part of the reason they didn’t tell me. But that’s definitely not true. It would be lovely to connect with my family of origin and have them be part of my close family though, and I am excited about the possibilities but also trying to keep my expectations low.
I didn’t have finding out I’m truly adopted at 30 years old and meeting my birth family on my 2025 bingo card, but I’m here for it and it’s actually become more and more positive of an experience!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's posts:
I hope your brother is doing OK with this news too.
spiritwarrior1994 (OP)
We have not told him yet. I guess he forgot the password anyways, but never asked me to help him get access to the account. I think he subconsciously doesn’t really want to know. So as long as he doesn’t really want to know, my parents and I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie. The test is there when he wants it.
And no, I don’t know if it’s the right answer to do that, but I honestly believe it’s the best one with everything going on. It just becomes so much more difficult to tell a person news like this the older they become, doesn’t it? That is why everyone tells parents to tell their children right from the get go.
I was just going to stop at "This! Is! Why! You! Always! Tell! Them! Young!" But the revelation that the adoptive mom neglected and abused her because her bio family still knew about her and loved her from afar? What the F???
Speaking as an adopted kid, this is literally the worst way of doing an adoption. I knew right away that I was adopted, never made me feel less than a family member, and that my parents were my parents. This is what they tell you to do. Don't shy away from it.
The details that keep coming out in the comments, like the brother getting presents on OOP's birthday for years, recognizing she has trauma, wow.... Glad she is starting to heal and hope she gets help still. But this is all wild.