'AITA for telling my mom 'I’m used to it' after my parents ruined the surprise of my engagement and the wedding dress?' + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my mom 'I’m used to it' after my parents ruined the surprise of my engagement and the wedding dress?"
I (27F) am getting married in September 2025. I’m in a long distance relationship. My partner lives in England and I’m in the US. We’re lucky enough that I work remote and visit about 3 times a year for six weeks at a time, and he visits me in the US about four times a year for once a week.
When he was planning to propose, he had asked my parents blessing in March 2024. My parents had “assumed” that I would know when he was proposing, and my dad had told me in a conversation that following week he was proposing in December 2024.
As you could imagine, I was upset. My mother invalidated my feelings and said I was making it a big deal and being stupid for not assuming it was going to be during Christmas because that’s when both of our families were together.
My argument is that while I could have had a hunch, I didn’t want to be told when it was, and basically could have gone practically a whole year wondering excitedly when it would be. For all I know, he could’ve proposed before that, and Christmas we would have had an engagement party.
Anyway, basically my dad apologized but my mom has stood firm on saying I’m dramatic for being upset. Since then, more things have gone wrong, and has started to leave me just so sad about wedding planning. None of this has been a good experience and I’ve started to feel like it’s a chore.
Flash forward to today, my partner is visiting (just for one week.) and we’re all sitting on the couch in the living room. My mom randomly turns to me and goes, “Have you picked up your veil from the bridal store yet?” Right in front of him. And then my partner smiles and goes, oh, you’re wearing a veil?
And I just got super frustrated. There are only two surprises in a wedding— the engagement and the dress. And both of them have been handled so carelessly. So I turned to my mom and said, can you please not mention anything about the dress? Not the shoes, nothing. I don’t want him knowing anything.
She rolls her eyes, walks around, and about 10 minutes later gives a half-hearted apology just saying, “Sorry, OP.” And I replied, “it’s fine. I’m used to it at this point.” And now she’s gone back and locked herself in the room. So I guess, AITA for being upset?
EDIT:
I know a lot of people are asking if this is like her— it isn’t.
She has already had one of her four daughters get married, I’m the second. She never ruined the engagement or the dress. And she seemed to care a whole lot more about her than she has me during this time.
Second EDIT:
Nowadays a lot of brides opt to wear veils, tiaras, sometimes hats, or embellishments, or nothing at all.
I forgot to mention that my fiancé had told me he didn’t want to know if I was wearing a veil or anything and wanted it all to be a surprise. Since he’s very mild tempered and sweet, he was surprised but was trying to be nice in his reaction because he knew I’d be upset.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
(I’m used to it at this point.”)
Brilliant, well-deserved answer. Now she's sulking in her room. Leave her there.
Yep. Let her stay in there as long as she wants to. Don't give her the attention she's looking for. Your mother sounds toxic. Stop telling her things.
NTA put your parents on an information diet. Also, know in the future, they’re always gonna do this. Maybe, be prepared for some oddball wedding toast from them.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
So for context, a lot of things have gone wrong since we have been in talks of getting engaged. Obviously my dad had told me about the engagement, but then other things went wrong.
My partner’s sister causing drama the day before our engagement, the day of our engagement going horribly wrong to the point my partner told me he’d propose again, finding out last month that my partners dad got remarried a year ago in secret.
We didn’t even know he was dating anyone. And him asking for a plus one for the wife no one had even heard of (while also telling my partner he’s ridiculous for being upset because it isn’t a big deal), and my best friend bailing on my bachelorette for someone else’s. So it’s safe to say that since December, it’s been stressful. And those are only the bigger issues I mentioned.
I know everyone was saying my mom should be on an info diet— she already was by her own choice! She hasn’t asked or been part of anything by her own design and it’s felt like she couldn’t care less about the wedding.
The only time she cared was when she found out we were only inviting 40 people and people she wanted there weren’t invited (like her friends, who I barely see or know, and her brother and cousin, who I both haven’t seen since I was 11).
That’s when she insisted on paying for them so they could come. And that’s the only time she’s asked about anything having to do with the wedding, or to be honest, anything involving me. She hasn’t checked in to see if me and my partner are okay, given all of the other stuff that has happened, either.
So I ended up speaking with my mom a little while after what happened, and I told her that while I know I shouldn’t have said “I’m used to it,” that ultimately I’m upset because it seems nothing has gone right. She seemed apologetic at first and said she didn’t know why she said that and knew that she shouldn’t have.
I nodded and said just please don’t say anything else regarding what you know about the dress. (She was there when I got the dress and veil with my sisters) I then told her that I’m just tired of things going wrong, and that my partner and I have felt super unsupported and alone.
She responded back starting her sentence with, “OP, only a handful of things have happened. I honestly feel like you’re looking for things to be upset about at this point.”
And to be honest, when she said that, I kind of lost it. I basically said that I didn’t go looking for any of this, and all of these things that have happened to my fiance and I were out of our control. Like, you’re the one who brought up the veil, not me. I didn’t go looking for any of these issues.
I told her that if there was one problem, then fine, I’d have handled it and moved on, but that the repeated offenses coming from every angle have hurt me and my partner. I’ve been trying to get over what’s occurred but something else happens to make the wedding planning even harder us.
I told her that my fiance and I both have felt super alone during a time that’s supposed to be joyful, and that her carelessness and thoughtlessness has been super hurtful, especially when she’s continually invalidated my feelings.
She shrugged and said that she’s done nothing and she’s not going to talk to me or ask about me about the other problems going on because I’ve been upset and she doesn’t want to deal with it. lol.
After a lot of your comments, I realized that I definitely was attempting to include someone who has very clearly shown not only should they not be, but they don’t want to be.
My partner leaves back to the UK today, but at this point I’m considering eloping with him (if I can) when I’m visiting him in England in May. We’ve already paid half of what we owe to our venue and photographer, so cancelling isn’t really an option, but maybe we’ll have just the reception instead of the ceremony.
Thank you to the commenters who pointed out that if we ever have children, to keep the important moments to ourselves of gender or birth date or names. I think you’re right, and my mom has pretty much ensured she will be on a permanent info diet for as long as she’s in my life, because if not, she’ll more than likely spoil it and then invalidate my feelings.
I think ultimately it wasn’t about the veil for me. I know my partner will still be surprised, I’m just sad because he told me he didn’t want an idea of anything and wanted to be completely clueless about what I would be wearing.
But ultimately this was about the continued thoughtlessness and invalidation that’s pretty much been the theme for the last four months. If my mom had said she was sorry and left it, it would’ve been fine.
But acting like I went looking to be upset when she randomly ruins yet another detail is just wild to me. I also forgot to say, yes, I am moving to England! We are hoping to make that jump at the beginning of 2026.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. You didn’t "go looking" for problems people kept handing them to you. Your mom isn’t just thoughtless, she’s emotionally dismissive, and you’re right to finally stop handing her opportunities to hurt you. Eloping sounds honestly peaceful after everything. Protect your joy, because clearly some people will never show up for it the way you deserve.
Marry quietly. Just you, him and a couple of people who truly love you. Then do the reception with the Aholes.
As soon as I read the first few lines I knew my advice would be elope. So yes elope. And see if the venue will just eat your deposit and give you the rest back (typically they will depending on your contract).
Why have a party when that will be miserable too. So take a trip to England with your dress. Tell NO ONE and just hard launch it online. The adults in your life are AHs but better to find that out now.