'AITA for being 'petty' by refusing to spend $30 on my step-kid's anti-dandruff shampoo?' UPDATED

"AITA for getting 'petty' with money?"

My (30f) partner (45m) is mad at me and I need some outside perspective. My step-kid (14), who I will call Sasha, moved in with us from across the country (aus) in some bad circumstances about 4 months ago. Mum has blocked the child and my partner 3 days after she got here. I have 2 boys, 9 and 10. Partner and I have been together about 2 years.

I am the sole income earner for the 5 of us. Thats the background. My sons go to a private school, very low cost thankfully. Costs me about 3 grand a year for both of them (uniforms, booklist and school fees). We recently were able to get Sasha into the school. Sasha didn't particularly want to go because she has her own style, but partner insisted as he is concerned about bullying in public schools.

Cost about 3 grand for this year because high school is more expensive. Sasha has 'bad' teeth, I think she's beautiful regardless but it is a huge self esteem issue for her. I booked the orthodontist, so far its cost $280 for consultations. Next is about $500 for some teeth removals, then $8000+ for the actual braces.

I want to make it clear, I don't mind paying this. If this will help her love herself and feel more confident, I am 100% in, hence why I was the one to book everything. I recently noticed Sasha has pretty bad dandruff, like, looks like snow on her scalp. I mentioned to partner maybe we should get her some anti-dandruff shampoo but in a subtle way.

She has never mentioned it before and I wasn't about to bring it up in case it knocked her confidence. We were at the shops today getting shampoo for my terribly damaged hair, and it was about $12 a bottle (so 24 for shampoo and conditioner on special for half price). Partner found anti dandruff shampoo but it was 15 a bottle, not on special.

I said I'm not spending 30 dollars on hair care when she hasn't even said it bothers her, we can wait until its on special. He said why do I get to spend almost the same on my hair because you can't even tell the difference if I buy cheap or not? I got kind of hurt because I'm trying my best here, and I buy decent hair products for myself once every 3 months because I'm careful about the amount I use.

So I kind of snapped and said 'braces are costing me 3 years of school for the boys, I'm not spending $30 on something Sasha doesn't give a f*** about'. My partner took that as I'm being stingy with money and that I don't care about Sasha as much as my own children. He said I'm an @$$hole because she needs braces and me refusing to pay $30 more on something else she needs is petty.

I can't tell if I'm being a b*$ch or not because I'll admit, the braces are a huge hit, $30 does make a difference especially if she goes through it the same rate she goes through her normal shampoo and conditioner.

Edit: A lot of people have asked why he isn't working and we agreed originally that him being a stay at home dad would be more cost effective. It hasn't really worked in my favour because I still cook meals and clean the house. My kids (Sasha included) do their own washing and clean their own dishes, feed the animals etc. Normal chores for kids.

It's something me and partner are actually in counselling for because I feel a significant weight with work and home but he always says he can never match me because I work full time and there isn't 40 hours worth of work in the house a week. I still sign permission slips, email the school for all kidlets, sign diaries, do homework, make lunch boxes and clean after work or on the weekends.

I think my reaction was out of frustration and this is a deeper issue and not about finances. Reading the comments has made me rethink a few things and I'll be trying to have a conversation about things with him when he gets back from fishing.

Here's what people had to say:

Potential-Reply729 said:

NTA. You have only been with your partner for two years and you’re the sole income earner. You’re supporting him and his child, paying for private school and braces? It makes sense that you’re starting to get resentful. I think you need to have a conversation about finances, income, and supporting his own child. This is only going to get worse over time.

He needs to pull his own weight. Or at the very least needs to get child support from the child’s mother. This child has TWO parents and neither of them can be bothered to support them?

Lala_oops said:

Girl. He is 15 years older than you, you are the sole breadwinner, AND you carry all the mental load and cooking/cleaning? What does he actually contribute besides chauffeuring your boys? You can get a nanny/babysitter who would be of more help. You have been with this man for two years, and he has made you the sole breadwinner AND chef/maid.

You are only 30 - you have so much life left to live! Don’t waste it taking care of this man. You and your boys deserve SO much more than this - you deserve someone who will be a true partner and actually support you and your family.

BrightOrangeFlowers said:

NTA. If she hasn’t mentioned it then it’s not bothering her and you’re already doing so much for her. Your boyfriend needs to get a job to help support the family. Fellow Aussie here, is he on c’link or contributing nothing? Also if he’s not working then he can look into scholarships or sponsoring at the school to cover her fees.

Regarding braces please shop around. I was quoted just over 14k for my sons, shopped around and got them for 7k and his teeth are perfect

[deleted] said:

Why doesn't this man have a job? NTA.

OP replied:

We agreed when we got together that it'd be better for him to be sahp for my boys because they can't get themselves to and from school (buses are too infrequent and their age) because my job paid well enough for us to manage/be comfortable. Maybe we need to revisit it

cassowary32 said:

NTA. There are so many posts with a younger sole earning partner supporting a much older deadbeat partner and I don’t understand how this was acceptable from the start. The guy has a kid and no job? So he hasn’t been paying child support for his kid for the entirety of your relationship? No wonder his ex dumped the kid on you and blocked him. Please consider if he actually adds anything to your life.

OP replied:

He has 2 kids. We had his other daughter living here for most of last year. I've paid both kids phone bills and extra curricular activities since we got together. The mother is a POS and I will firmly say it has nothing to do with my partner. My other (step)daughter was 16 and in an abusive relationship. Her mum called me and said 'you either take her or she can be on the streets with her boyfriend'

Got her in counselling, got her in self defence classes, new friends, paid for TAFE, was getting her licence for her, then mum said 'you can come home now' because the kid was doing so much better, and I haven't heard from her since. Except when she called me a pig about a month later and said I would never be a real parent because I 'don't get teenagers'

**UPDATE**

I want to thank everyone for responding, I have a lot to think about. I will try to answer the comments but this got way more attention than I thought it would. To clear one thing up we were friends for 5 years before we started a relationship, but he lived interstate so it wasn't on the cards for us.

He wasn't like this in the beginning, its only since this job (1 and a bit years) that it started now that I've had time to reflect on it. He was working prior to moving and caring for himself so I honestly didn't think it would switch this drastically.

I had a chat with Sasha. I didn't feel comfortable pointing it out still in fear it would upset her so I did the whole 'my head has been so itchy lately! What's yours like?' and she said she has it too and she's worried about dandruff, so I mentioned I had all these friends who suggested some solutions (like vinegar etc) and maybe we could try it together and see if it gets any better.

It went well and we're doing 'our' first treatment tonight. I also spoke to her about her pronouns and she told me she isn't sure if she is NB anymore and she prefers she/her pronouns. I asked her to let me know if that changes so we can respect her feelings/identity.

I have a lot to think about. I've decided to stop doing the cooking and cleaning and just pointing it out to see how that goes. Like if he is going to cook toasted sandwiches for dinner I'll say 'there's veg in the fridge' or something like that. I won't stop completely because its not fair I get to leave my workplace and he technically doesn't.

But I will see how this strategy goes to try to shed some.of the weight I'm feeling. I bought up him working and it....did not go well. He said he is fine to work but I need to help him make his resume and apply for jobs because I'm better at it (I was an employment consultant prior to my current job).

I got pretty upset and said I didn't want to be working when I'm not at work, but he thinks it's unfair that I'm already 'good at it' and it'd be so much easier for me. It turned into a minor disagreement (let's be honest, we fought) and so I've yet to revisit it and will bring it up in counselling next week so there's some help getting my feelings across without me getting cross.

Again, thank everyone so much. It has really made me think. There's a lot of work to do but at least I'm not so ignorant/blinded now and I can make the right decisions for my kids going forward. Also I can't keep Sasha if we break up and she will most likely go back to a bad environment so that's definitely a factor I will be considering before making big decisions.