Stepkids refuse to bond with newborn so postpartum mom kicks entire family out of the house. AITA?
"AITA for making everyone leave the house for a while, including my husband and stepkids, because they were fighting over me while I was newly postpartum?"
I (29f) gave birth to my first biological child three weeks ago and I had a complicated birth. I was already stepmom to my husband's (30m) two children (11 and 9) from his previous relationship. He shares custody of them with his ex-gf. We waited a week for me to recover a little before bringing our extended families over. It was a nightmare.
So to begin with, my relationship with my stepkids was good until I got pregnant. Once I was expecting they pulled away and expressed a lot of unhappiness about me being pregnant.
They didn't a half sibling and how half siblings aren't real or the same as real siblings like they are to each other. It came out of nowhere. Their initial reaction to my pregnancy was actually okay. They asked questions and when we asked how they felt about it they said they were okay. That it was big. But within a month the negativity had set in.
I tried to include them in stuff like picking baby things, helping with the nursery design, showing them scans and trying to include them in the baby shower but they wanted no part in that.
We also made sure there was time with each of us and them where there was no baby talk and that they got time with dad and time with me. When I'd take them someplace they'd tell me they wished their dad was there instead. That's not something that ever happened before.
Our baby was born when my stepkids were at their mom's and they didn't get to meet their (half) sibling until our custody week. They ran right past when they came to the house, refused to officially meet their (half) sibling and didn't want to interact with the baby. They also made a point of saying baby isn't their real sibling, the baby's only half.
Three days after they met the baby our families did and that's when stuff kicked off and I had a small breakdown in frustration. Some of my husband's family were unhappy that we were letting the kids say half sibling and expressed this.
My husband told them it wasn't that easy and to focus on meeting the baby. Some of my family started saying that it wasn't the end of the world and then the two started fighting and my husband was trying to encourage the kids to spend some time with the baby and also fighting with his family and the kids were mad anyone was saying the baby wasn't their half sibling.
It was all too much. I was sore and tired and emotional and I got so frustrated I loudly told everyone to leave me alone for a while. I said I know people wanted to see baby, see us, support and spend time but the fighting was too much for me and I just needed time to unwind with the baby.
I told my husband to leave with the kids for a couple of hours too because if he wanted to talk to them then I'd feel better if they didn't fight in front of me. My husband understood but our families are upset that I made everyone leave (my husband did technically on my request).
My husband's family said the kids needed to hear the fight too because they needed to know it's not okay to not treat baby as a sibling and to see how upset it made me too.
Not only that they're rejecting the baby now but also me after we'd been good before. And they said I was unfair to everyone and making people leave solves nothing. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Why didn't you get family therapy when your step kids started saying they would never accept your daughter as a "real" sibling? I'm not sure helping pick out the crib would have helped the issue much and they obviously weren't involved with the birth if they didn't meet their sibling until their normal custody week. NTA for having them leave, all the adults suck for not preparing for this though.
Maleficent_Cod_9877 (OP)
They were with their mom when I gave birth and she didn't want them to come so we couldn't have them meet the baby right after birth. My husband tried to talk to the kids about it (with and without me) first to see if we could help them without therapy. But he needs consent from his ex which she refused to give so he needs to get a judge to sign off on therapy for us.
NTA. You're entitled to peace and quiet after going through a complicated delivery. This half-sibling stuff is coming from their mom or their mom's side of the family almost guaranteed. At 11 and 9 they should be happy about a baby. I'd look into it.
NTA Everyone that was fighting was causing you stress so asking them to leave did fix the problem. Send a message to all the family that you are aware that the kids are struggling but they are to let you and your husband handle it as you see fit. Then someone needs to sit the kids down and find out what is going on.
Did someone say something that caused how they feel? Are they worried that the baby will replace them or have a negative effect on the relationship with Dad? Let them call the baby a half sibling. It is accurate and forcing them to do something else is likely to make the problem worse.
I wouldn't call you an AH but I do kinda disagree with you kicking everyone out. Kinda because kicking the family out makes sense. But kicking your husband and your stepkids out could have been a mistake. Yes they shouldn't be there as everyone else fights but when everyone else leave that's the opportunity for you and him as the parents to talk to them.
Instead you kicked them out and told them it's their dad job to do it. Truthfully I think that could just reinforce in their mind that there are two separate families. All the adults were wrong here. But there was no reason to also take it out on the kids.