Pregnant woman bans boyfriend's 'van life' friend from visiting home, 'it's a NO-BRAINER.' AITA?
"AITA for saying my boyfriend's friend can't visit us now that I'm pregnant?"
My boyfriend has a friend who is currently doing the whole #vanlifing thing and living out of his van. The past several months, this friend has been coming by our house a couple days a week. Each time he's here, he stays around 10 to 12 hours to use the shower, kitchen, washing machine, and WiFi.
I've been unhappy with the lack of privacy and the extra work for quite a while, which my boyfriend is well aware of, but have been putting up with it because the friend is down on his luck and could use some help.
However, now that I'm pregnant, I'm ready for this situation to end. I want to be able to lay on my couch without pants, not shove my giant, tired boobs into a bra constantly, and talk about my private medical details with my partner without having to whisper about them in another room.
I'm also just worn out in general, and the friend is generating so much extra work. He comes into our home after doing construction jobs and tracks in tons of dust and dirt. Every time he showers he somehow leaves a thick coating of body hair all over the shower I have to clean up before I can shower again.
After he uses the washing machine there's sticks and leaves and sand all over the laundry room. Not only does he hog the kitchen when I want to cook meals sometimes, but he also leaves all his dirty dishes for me to deal with afterwards.
Ideally, I'd have my boyfriend deal with the extra work, since he's the one who's inviting the dude over, but with his busier work schedule, most of the household work falls to me. So to me, it's a no-brainer that the friend finds somewhere else to be for a couple months to give me some privacy and a break from the added work.
However, when I brought this up to my boyfriend and told him it was time to set a boundary with the friend, he told me it was first of all, a very awkward and weird thing to ask his friend, and secondly, a cruel and insensitive thing for me to request.
He's willing to do so for me, but at the same time, is making it very clear he thinks I'm a monster for even asking him to do this. Is it actually reasonable for me to put a no-visitors rule in place for a few months or not?
Here's what people had to say about this one:
Prestigious_Fig7338 said:
It's your house and space. Friend has to find somewhere else to impose, now and after child arrives. OP, if moocher ever visits again, I'd also advise you not do ANYTHING to assist clean up, instead text a list of all that needs doing - due to moocher's dirt...
...to your partner, and have him do all the clean up, no matter what hours he works, because the only reason he doesn't understand the load is because he isn't carrying most of the practical task load.
NovelTeach said:
NTA. He has overstayed his welcome by being a horrible guest. These are just the consequences of his actions. As a grown adult, he shouldn’t even have to be asked to scrape the grime that falls off him and his clothes off the surfaces he dirties up.
I’m picturing an adult Pigpen from the Peanuts comic strip, and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted him polluting the space I was trying to get ready for an infant, or have signed up to be his unpaid maid.
tictactoss said:
NTA. This dude has been enjoying all the perks of being your roommate without paying rent, and has you being his maid on top of it, cleaning up after the messes he leaves? Hard NO. Question: Is the van life a choice he is making because he can completely use your resources at his free will instead of being responsible for himself?
He's basically living at your house 3+ days a week. If he is working construction, it seems he should be banking enough to get his own place, even if it is with roommates, instead of using your place as a partial crash pad. Your BF should be making you and your future child the priority, not his bro.
Tinymoonflower said:
I’m surprised you’re not thinking more long term. That situation sounds terrible, especially while pregnant, but even more so with a new baby. Give him some time and then put an end to this arrangement, no matter what, this is not acceptable with a new baby at home, and if it doesn’t stop soon it will be harder to stop. NTA.
Nadihaha said:
NTA. But you need to stop picking up the load your bf should be carrying!! His friend, his invite, his cleanup job!! This is why he thinks it's not a big deal. I'd suggest being somewhere else when said friend visits so that bf has the opportunity to see the chaos.
Reasonable_Bat_3178 said:
NTA This would be a deal breaker for me. Either the friend goes or I go. I would expect my SO to put myself and our child first, in our own home. Not a homeless friend.
MathOk8922 said:
NTA. not even for a second. As you are still pregnant and preparing for a newborn (YAY! Congrats) you should focus all your time and energy on that. Any and all things involving your bf’s friend should be graciously handed to him to deal with. In addition to that there should probably be conversation about how you each expect your lives to look like moving forward. Scary and so worth it!
R4eth said:
Nta. Friend needs to be pernabanned. And honestly? I'd tell your bf, it's you and the baby or he can join his friend in the van. This is your home, your rules. I'm deeply concerned your bf actually called you a monster for wanting privacy in your own home.