Pregnant woman bans mom from watching her baby, 'she said I hate her.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my mom she can’t watch my baby?"

For backstory, I (33F) am pregnant with my first child. My husband (34M) and I live in a major city where most people don’t have cars / drive. We walk basically everywhere (or take the subway). My mom, whom I love, (60F) is morbidly obese. She’s always been “bigger,” but in the past 10 years has gotten close to 400 lbs.

She can’t walk 2 city blocks without sitting, can’t do any stairs, and can’t really fly unless she buys two seats. She complains of pain whenever she has to carry things. We’ve (my sisters and I) encouraged her to go to a doctor. The doctors and specialists all said her hormones are fine, it’s overeating and she needs to lose weight for health reasons. My mom sneaks snacks and doesn’t eat healthy.

My husband and I live in a walk up. I’m due in June, and my mom asked if she can come up and help with the baby the first few weeks. I said of course, all help is always appreciated. Then she said that she would like my husband and I to have her as childcare for a few months instead of doing daycare (which we already have enrolled in).

We told her we already have a daycare but appreciate the offer, and she can come visit anytime. My MIL is coming for a few weeks after my mom, and we told my mom she can come right after that again if she wants and we can book her flight for her.

She kept insisting, saying she would be better than a “random childcare person.” We told her babies are a ton of work and she can come visit, but we don’t expect her to watch the baby full time. She told us we were making a major mistake not taking her up on daycare.

She kept pushing it and said we’d regret not taking her up on her offer, and I finally told her I don’t want her watching the baby because of her weight - if there is an emergency, she can’t take the baby on a walk or even get the stroller out of the house. Our nursery is on the top floor, so I don’t think she could even get our baby up and down the stairs.

She started crying and said I hate her because she’s fat. I told her that’s not true, but I have to think about in an emergency how she could help the baby, and that’s my first concern. I love my mom, but I don’t think she physically could handle taking our baby out or up stairs.

Now she’s not speaking to me, and told my sister I “am embarrassed of her.” She also said I prefer my MIL because she’s thin (something I have never brought up and we aren’t using my MIL as daycare). I don’t think I was mean and wasn’t going to mention her weight until she pushed it, but now I think I’m the ahole because my family is divided. So, AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

AppearanceOk5806 said:

NTA. My fiance and I have had this conversation as well. My mother is much older than his and has me late in her life so she's not as physically fit or healthy. If daycare or babysitting is needed, we'll probably leave the baby with his mom or sister. My mom would only be able to take care of the baby during the first few months of the baby's life before the baby gets too fussy and heavy for her.

I've talked to her about this and she understood. Also, as another person has pointed out, there might be a chance your mom is trying to "move in" with you. It seems that she might physically be needing help in her daily life activities if she's at the weight and having that much trouble. Does she rent or own her place?

bokatan778 said:

NTA. Sometimes, as the saying goes, the truth hurts. Your concerns are legit and real, and babies/toddlers should have outside time and someone who can handle an emergency situation. Your mom probably just feels awful already and this stung. Hopefully this will help motivate her to want to lose weight so she can be around to watch her grandchild grow up. Sounds like you handled it honestly but gently.

Tricky_Tax4933 said:

NTA, you are focused on what’s best for your baby and that’s what matters most. Obviously you didn’t want to hurt your mom’s feelings, but what’s worse, injured feelings or injured baby? Your mom is clearly in denial about her health and size. Overeating is an addiction, and your mom is displaying typical addict behavior here.

Sneaking snacks, denying there’s a problem, projecting, etc. You’ve stopped enabling her, so now in her mind you’re the problem. Just like any other addiction, she has to want to help herself before you can help her. I’m sorry you’re going through this during what should be an exclusively happy time. Hopefully mom comes around. Individual and family counseling could be really helpful here.

Ok_Tonight_3703 said:

NTA. Repeat after me ”I am not responsible for any adults feeling”. Your mother is not just over weight. She is morbidly obese. She cannot provide safe care for your child. Now she is trying to guilt you with her “she hates me because I’m fat” and “she’s embarrassed by me."

Your mother is so selfish. Ignore her drama and reconsider having her visit during your PP time. You do not need her immature guilt trips when you are navigating motherhood.

Ace_In_The_Whole1776 said:

NTA at all. She’s deflecting the consequences of her life choices onto you as a way to absolve herself from responsibility. Instead of using this as a wake up call to improve her health, she’s playing the victim.

It’s very sad and unfortunate, as I’m sure she’s a very loving person in your life, based on how happily you responded to her visiting you. Hopefully, in time, she’ll come to accept reality, and WANT to put the work in for herself so she’ll be around longer to see her grandbaby grow.

Sea_Kangaroo826 said:

NTA. You laid out a series of very legitimate practical concerns. This is not about body image and while I'm sure her feelings are hurt (which sucks and I don't believe you wanted to hurt her feelings!) the safety of your infant child is paramount. You advocated for your child in the face of pressure which can be difficult to do.