'WIBTA to not let my sister have a relationship with my child after the unhinged things she said?' UPDATED

"WIBTA to not let my sister have a relationship with my child after the unhinged things she said?"

My husband (31m) and I (30f) are currently 7 months pregnant. We decided to have our baby shower back in our hometown so that our family and friends could make it.

We arrived 5 days before the shower in order to spend some time with our families. We usually stay at my parents house, which consists of my parents and my sister (28f). Our families had not seen me in about 6 months and this would be the first time they saw my pregnant belly.

The first day we arrived my parents were joyful and excited to spend time with us and finally see me pregnant and showing. My sister showed up after being out with friends later that night and as soon as she saw me she looked disgusted.

She slowly walked towards me making a disgusted face and saying “omg I can’t believe you look like that”. She said hi and proceeded to tell me that on the drive home she was thinking about how it would feel like to punch me in the belly.

Dead pan. There was no chuckle after or any sense of it being even remotely a joke. I was in shock and immediately felt unsafe but tried not to have a visible reaction for my parents sake.

I stood there a couple of minutes while she poked my stomach while making a disgusted look and just felt incredibly uncomfortable and on guard to any sudden movements. I then excused myself and said I was going to sleep.

Throughout the following days leading up to the shower I avoided her and shared what happened with my husband and my parents who had overheard the conversation but hadn’t quite grasped exactly what she said to me.

They were all concerned and my mom spoke to her friend that happens to be a therapist. This therapist friend told my mom that what my sister had said was extremely concerning and needed to be addressed.

When my parents addressed it with her she blamed her anxiety and depression and told them that my husband and I have everything and now we are having a baby and she has nothing to live for. She said all she does is go to work and sleep.

For background, she has been going to therapy and on depression and anxiety medication for about 10 years. She has been extremely rude and selfish her entire life. This isn’t the first time she says that she has sui%idal thoughts.

During my college years I moved out of my parents house and she blamed her depression on me leaving the house “leaving her behind" and threatened my parents with sui%idal comments.

throughout the years she has made my parents feel like I need to be responsible for her mental health and happiness. It’s comes off to me and other family members like she manipulates my parents into doing everything for her because of her depression.

After the baby shower and some long conversations between my husband and I, we are trying to un pack it all. We are considering not allowing her to have any contact with our daughter once she’s born. We assume she doesn’t even want to make any effort to build a relationship with our child anyway. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

middlagebogw writes:

NTA. Your sister is 100% blaming you for her own shit life, blaming her depression for her own shit life, and manipulating your parents into not daring to make her responsible for her own life. It’s really toxic, and even if she hadn’t basically threatened to harm you and your unborn baby, I’d be suggesting you have nothing more to do with her.

But given she has made threatening statements toward you and your baby, you most definitely should keep far away from her and never let her near your baby.

I’m glad your parents took this as seriously as they did, but it sounds like they need to be pressing her more to get out of their house and on her own. Otherwise I don’t know how you can go home and stay with them in peace and safety.

It may be a case where she may not actually try to hurt you, but she sees no issue in being verbally unsettling and threatening, then wants to blame it on being depressed.

That she’s been in therapy and medicated for 10 years and continues to be this jealous and miserable suggests that she actually has zero interest in improving her life or moving past her jealously of you. I’d keep a vast distance from her if I were you.

guita6 writes:

No, definitely not. Assuming your sister has never moved out of your parents house, I'm guessing that your parents have not done the best job in guiding her emotional development, at least since she was in her late teens.

That she's been medicating for depression and anxiety for 10 years now makes me think that. Although your parents should take steps to get her to move out, it does not seem like now is the time for that, given all you're saying here.

But back to your thoughts on not allowing her to have a relationship with your child, I think that's a wise decision right now. At least not until she has gotten some serious and consistent therapy and has shown herself to be past this stage of her life for at least a year.

I've had family members such as your sister, and though treating them with a heavy hand is definitely not the answer, neither is allowing them to behave the way she is while under your parents' roof. Good luck with your sister, and best of luck with the delivery!

strangeasalary writes:

NTA and I'm honestly questioning if she really suffers from depression or if she is pathological and narcissistic to the point that she has manifested more of a hysterical depression to give her something that keeps her constantly able to pull attention to herself.

I am so sorry your sister be supportive and the aunt your baby deserves, but I am grateful that she showed her colors before baby arrives.

You can plan accordingly to keep her away from all 3 of you, and your parents can keep a closer eye on her behavior.

My heart goes out to your dear parents as well! I cannot imagine being stuck in their position, and truly without recourse because "what if she actually follows through on her threats?" I hope the support you're getting in these comments are helping to ease any guilt and solidify your plans to keep the baby away from your sister

And now, OP's update:

So I definitely think I under reacted and have been desensitized to her nasty comments, manipulative actions, rude behavior and just overall attitude. I’d like to address those sayings that I should’ve done more in the moment.

Yes, I should’ve, but it’s easy to see that when thinking back on it or when like you I’m sitting behind a screen reading this situation and what you think you would’ve done. It’s another thing entirely when it’s actually happening to you in the moment.

For those saying my parents are coddling her, yes they are. However, I think most parents that are being told by their child that they’re sui%idal would probably try to keep that from happening any way they can.

I agree that my parents need to seek therapy to help them understand how to better handle her. My sister is an adult and they can’t just reach out to her therapist, her therapy is virtual and they have no contact information for them.

Regarding those wondering what she’s been diagnosed with, all I know is the anxiety and depression. My husband and I have speculated about her being narcissistic and having a personality disorder like borderline, but we don’t think she’s been diagnosed and if she has, she hasn’t shared that with us.

I also think therapy is what you make of it and there is no way to know what exactly she shares with her therapist. Like I said she’s an adult and some of the suggestions in the comments aren’t taking that into consideration.

For those suggesting she gets a psych evaluation, how does one go about getting one of those? I mean without having the cops called, or forcing her to go to the hospital and get involuntarily hospitalized. Is there a less traumatic way of requesting a psych evaluation be performed assuming she’d be willing?

For those suggesting my parents kick her out, they are never going to do that, if she were to ever kill herself, they would feel completely responsible, as probably any parent would. So whether or not she’s manipulating everyone, it’s still just a fact that no one is willing to take that risk with their own child.

I would also like to point out that even before this incident, my husband and I had already agreed that we would never have her watch our child or be responsible in any way for their care.

Since we both agreed that she probably wouldn’t want to and neither of us would feel comfortable with that. We also agreed that we weren’t going to stay at my parent’s house when we came to town to visit after our kid is born because it’d just be uncomfortable (lack of space).

For those concerned about me still being around her. The baby shower is now done and over with and we are safely back home, very far away and there’s no way of her being around me. Thank you for all those who wished me well, your thoughts are appreciated. For those saying this is a fake post, all I have to say is I wish it was.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:

Rare-Craft-920:

Well you won’t ever be able to leave your child alone with the grandparents then as they would most definitely allow her time probably unsupervised with the child. They’re so naive they wouldn’t think of it and your child would be in danger. I’d go low NC on them until the child is about 15. I don’t trust any of them.

OriginalDogeStar:

OP is making some steps right now to go NC and LC. But a lot of what OP asked is really telling about how much she does want to not have the sister around. Because as an adult person in a troubled state, you can only be submitted for evaluation and intensive psychological treatments if displaying an extreme manic episode of behaviour.

OP asked how can she force these things, knowing that in truth she has no ability to at all. She is[n't] being cavalier or naive, she asked the right questions, knowing that there will be no one able to answer her, so her only option is to cut them off.