Pregnant woman finds out fiancé is cheating; SIL says, 'You're seriously playing the victim?! He did this BECAUSE OF YOUR HAIR!' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this woman finds out she's pregnant and gets betrayed at the same time, she asks the internet:
"I'm pregnant and now my life is over. What do I do?"
My fiance and I have been together three years and I love him more than anything. I know three years isn't that long and I've had longer relationships but mine with him is definitely the most serious by far and not just because he proposed.
I've never loved anyone more than him and when I fell for him it was a much stronger and intense connection that I've ever had for anyone in my life. I'm only 26 so I know have time find someone else but I'm so incredibly heartbroken in ways I didn't even imagine I could break. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt.
I don't know how it happened. This was the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and I was so excited to get married and have our child. He doesn’t even know I'm pregnant because his birthday is next month and I wanted to surprise him.
There were none of the usual signs like our relationship declining for the past several months. It was like one day the switch just flipped. I noticed he was first off like two weeks ago after we came home from my friends place after hanging out.
He seemed distant but I just chalked it up to him being tired, but then he continued to be a little distant.
I know his boss has been on his ass lately about a work project, he's an engineer and I thought he was just stressed about it. These past two weeks we haven't been having intimacy either but that's not out of the normal because when he's really stressed, either with family stuff or work, he isn't usually in the mood.
On Friday I went out of town to visit my sister and I just got home today. Originally the plan was for him to go with me but he told me he really needed the weekend to work on his project which I didn't find suspicious AT ALL.
He knew what day and what time I would be coming home. Yet when I got into our home the kitchen hadn't been cleaned from what was obviously a romantic dinner and when I got to the bedroom the sheets were a mess and and a woman's lingerie was on the floor by the door.
And his pants and their shoes were in the hallway very obviously hastily taken off on the way to our shared bedroom, our shared bed, our shared everything and OUR sacred place.
It just seems so careles. He knew what I would see and didn't even bother to clean up. Did he really think I'd stay? Did he really think I just wouldn't care? He's not picking up my calls and when I texted him I realized he'd blocked me.
If he was into someone else why didn't he just say that? Why would he let me find out in the most hurtful way in the world?
Even worse I know who the girl is because she left her jewelry and its someone who I was insecure about when our relationship first started but that I got over the longer we were together. I don't know what to do, I had to get out of our home so now I'm just crying on my front lawn.
I'm too mortified to call anyone close to me and a million thoughts are running through my mind. What am I going to do with the baby? I can't even imagine trying to co-parent with him after a betrayal like this. Why did he do this? What changed? Did he get bored of me? Why wasn't I enough?
Why her? Why me? What am I going to tell people? How am I ever going to trust someone again? Where am I going to live? which of of our mutual friends will choose him? Does this mean I can't be friends with his sister anymore? Just so many questions with zero explanations.
I can't even put into words how soul damaged, emotionally crushed, and absolutely wrecked I am. I'm so hurt I can't even talk about it. I can't even call my therapist. So now I'm typing it all out because I just HAD to tell SOMEBODY what was happening, even if it was strangers on the internet.
A mini update is on my page for anyone who wants it, but I didn't want this post to get too long, so I made a separate post for the update.
Before we give you OP's shocking updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
catmocono writes:
So this man sees one picture. He doesn’t ask her, or her friend about it at the time. He does no investigation or research into it after the fact. Never brings up his concerns to her.
So despite having no tangible proof or any solid reason for suspecting it, aside from his frivolous opinion based on his own imagination, he decides to sit on this “knowledge bomb” for WEEKS?!
Then decides that it’s a great idea to go full nuclear, revenge f his “friend” AND publicly obliterate their relationship and OOP’s life/reputation? What fresh hell is this? Make it make sense.
I’m sorry but if you do not have concrete proof, then either hold out until you can acquire evidence, or talk to your SO. What makes this worse is she’s never given him a reason to not trust her. According to her their relationship had no serious issues. But still, somehow, it made sense to him to bungee jump to conclusions and plot evil revenge.
ohggiu writes:
Take his APs clothing plus your bedding and burn it. Pack his stuff up and place it in your garage or in a shed. If you have any joint accounts, remove 50% and put it into an account in your name only. If you have any joint credit cards that you pay for, stop them.
Speak to an attorney re child support, a custody agreement with the clause that no new partners be introduced to your child until the parent has been officially dating for one year. Ask that he only gets supervised visits for the first few years as you will likely be breastfeeding your baby.
If you own property together, ask that you get to remain in it until your child finishes college. Find out if your State classes you as common law married, and if so, seek alimony.
Let all your friends and family know about his cheating. Let them know about the pregnancy if they don't already know.
madpirate98 writes:
Ok. I’m older, here’s what I would do. Write a calm email or use this as a text. “Ex, I’m going to assume from seeing (girls name) lingerie in a freshly fucked in bed that our engagement is off. However we have something we need to talk about. I was saving telling you for your birthday as a surprise but I’m pregnant and you’re going to be a father.
Since you made it clear 1) you’re not marriage material and 2) you don’t want to marry me, as I won’t tolerate being cheated on, we need to figure out the next steps. Basically how much involvement you want with the child, and how we’re going to break up and handle the lease and the bills.
If you want, we can do a paternity test when the baby is born but since I haven’t cheated it’s not an issue.
My decision to carry or terminate is not something that you, as an ex partner, will get any say in so if you have strong feelings about that, you should share them with other people and not me.”
Go talk to a family law attorney. Consultations are free. Things to keep in mind- custody, visitation and child support are separate. You might get threatened with him taking the baby away, good luck with that from his side (and if you want to ensure that does not happen, breastfeed- the courts will not force you to give up a breastfeed infant for a weekend).
I’d also call his mom and first tell him he spent the weekend shagging another woman and the relationship is over, but you’re pregnant and if she wants a relationship with the child she needs to think about that now.
Also get a full panel STD test. This might not be the first time. Don’t stay with him because it won’t be the last time.
And now, OP's first update:
Mini update: Hey everyone thank all much for the kind words. Sorry I haven't responded to any comments or anything but really I was just so overwhelmed. I ended up calling my therapist, and currently, I'm staying with my best friend, but just for a few days until I can get a flight to where my parents live.
My therapist recommended that I leave this situation off the internet and usually I would listen to her but I know some of you genuinely do care to hear what happens to me so I'm going to post the final update probably tomorrow if I'm not too devastated or the day after. After that, I will most likely delete my account.
First thing firsts, I am keeping the baby/ I'm currently two months, and I haven't started showing.
My ex fiance didn't notice because the birth control I take makes me not have a period. But if I'm being completely transparent, I probably would have kept this pregnancy anyway.
Second, I took pictures like all of you suggested, and I'm meeting a lawyer later this week.
Third, I called his sister and I have no idea what he told them about me, but I've never heard her have so much venom, like what she had on that phone call with me.
I told her what happened and she wasn't shocked at all and said in this exact wording 'wow, you really haven't figured out why he did this to you at all have you' and then as she was telling me to never call anyone in their family again I had to shout over her that I was pregnant in case she blocked me.
I could hear the shocked silence and told her I would literally piss on a stick in front of her if she didn't believe me. I think she could tell from my voice that I was telling the truth and told me that she would get her brother to meet me at the house later today to talk.
And I that I had to tell him I was pregnant myself and she wouldn't 'do that burden for me' she then abruptly hung up. His sister and I have always been close, and I remember how I used to wait all day in the hospital when she was getting treated for her breast cancer.
I have no idea what could have made her hate me this much, what lies he could've told her. I just cried so much after this phone call. My best friend is going to go over with me when I talk to him and she's going to wait outside in the car. See you guys tomorrow or later this week.
And now, OP's final update:
When I got into our home my fiance was very callous and cruel. He berated me and would not let me get a word in. He screamed at me that I needed "to drop the victim act" or else he would tell all my friends and family the truth about me.
I asked how could I be playing the victim when he's the one who cheated and then let me find out in a abusive, disgusting, and psychotic way.
Before I get into the rest of this update I feel like some background information is needed. Before I got with my fiance my hair was completely virgin, it was a brown color that looked red in the sunglight and photos that i LOVED, and his was pink.
When we got close I learned that it was pink in support of his sister who got diagnosed with breast cancer. About 8 months in, I decided to dye my hair pink for his sister's upcoming breast cancer surgery. Him and his entire family was touched by the gesture and everyone ended up dying their hair pink before her surgery.
My fiance was especially touched because he knew how much I really liked my natural color. After his sister went into remission we started to doing cute matching couple hair of all different colors.
When we visited my friend a couple weeks ago she was making a video of memories from over the years because one of our friend's big 30 is coming up and she plans to show it at the party. After we came home from her place this was when I first noticed he was off.
He saw a video on her computer of me with very bright red hair which is not my natural color even in the sunlight which is maybe a shade red above auburn. Before i go any further this video was from mid 2019 before we got together and was NOT real dye.
It was one of those non bleach, non damge, hair waxes that come out after a single wash. In this video I'm making out with a former male friend of mine. We were bar hopping and you can see us in the back kissing as we're walking to the next bar.
Last summer my fiance and I dyed our hair bright red like what's on the video and he thought that I had cheated on him because he knows my hair was virgin before I dyed it pink in support of his sister.
While we were arguing he kept telling that I had cheated first and that my f-g hair was red and that's how he knew that I had cheated with (old male friend's name) that I cut off because we'd slept together once before I got with my fiance and that made him uncomfortable.
And that he'd saw it all on (my friends name) computer. And that's why he slept with his female friend because he'd wanted me to hurt like he did. I kept yelling at him that I had never cheated on him and had genuinely no idea what the hell he was talking about.
I was so confused, upset, hurt, and angry that I started cramping in the middle of our shouting fest. My fiance thought I was faking it until a large amount of blood started coming from private area.
He called the ambulance and my friend came inside to check if I was okay because I'd been there for a while at this point.
At this point I'd hadn't even gotten the chance to tell him I was pregnant and my friend had to do so as I yelled out in AGONIZING physical pain. The ambulance came in 11 minutes but by the time I reached the hospital it was too late. My baby was gone.
From there word got out and my friend (the one with the video) heard about everything and she came and showed him proof that the video he was talking about was from before we were together and taken in mid 2019.
She showed me too because up until that point I had completely forgotten about that night and had no idea what he was talking about. I then explained to him that it was just hair wax.
I'm devastated about the baby. Despite everything I truly wanted to keep it and I feel so hollow now. So wrecked.
I don't know what to do about my relationship he has genuinely apologized to me and I know he only did what he did because he thought I had cheated on him, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this. If I'll always resent him for the miscarriage. But I still love him so much and I still can't even imagine life without him.
Before his mother learned the truth she made a scathing Facebook post about me and 'my cheating' and since then his entire family has all formally apologized to me but I'm still getting calls...
from extended family members and friends who still havent heard the truth calling me hurtful things and telling me I deserved my miscarriage and that's what I got for trying to 'baby trap' him. It's another kick to my already broken soul. And as of right now my social reputation is in tatters because of the post.
My fiance or rather ex fiance wants to make one big post just addressing everything but I honestly don't even have the energy and I can't imagine of all this drama for all of our loved ones to see that cut me so deeply just plastered on Facebook.
His mom has tried to call but I've been declining all of them because also in her post she added some really nasty things she didn't like about me before she found out about the 'cheating' that I didn't know she felt about and I just feel really hurt about every mean thing she wrote about my personality, looks, character, depression and anxiety episodes, and past.
I'm currently staying with parents in a AirBnB because I felt like I had to confront everything's front on and stay here but they wanted to be here to support me.
Guys I thought I was broken before but I'm going to be completely candid and say that I've considering not living since the miscarriage.
A part of me also feels like my relationship which I loved more than myself is over which just makes me feel so sick. So many things are being said about me and all I want to do is dissappear, but I know that I can't for the sake of the people I love and I won't.
Anyhow that's the update. I don't know where my life goes from here but it felt only fair to update you guys one last time.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's dilemma:
forga writes:
I know that feeling of being completely crushed to the core when you find out your partner, who you had complete faith in, cheated on you. I was so devastated. I don’t think I’ll ever allow myself to trust someone like that ever again. I’m so slow to trust now.
She maybe mourning the miscarriage but I think in time she’ll realize what a blessing in disguise this is. She can start fresh and leave this psycho and his crazy family behind.
A beautiful clean break where he can’t hurt her anymore. Because what’s happened to her is forever going to change her. I don’t believe she will ever truly get past this.
This is also a good example of why you should never tell you family your relationship troubles, at least until you are broken up and you know things are truly over. Vent to friends or strangers but not family.
He jumped to conclusions and never even asked her or confronted her but he ran to mommy and daddy and blabbed to them who practically went after her with pitchforks and torches. Families are biased and they want to believe you because they love you.
But telling family is one of the fastest ways to undermine a marriage that I know of. If every time you have a disagreement with your partner and you vent to your family, they slowly build up resentment toward the partner which will ruin the relationship.
They will be unable to put it aside as lovers spat and realize that perhaps their loved one was exaggerating in the emotional heat of the moment when relaying facts of the issue. I’ve watched this happen to a few friends of mine.
luckylog writes:
It was all a scam on their part. All of these imperfections after he said something. You can' take things back when YOU respond viciously. You can't un-remember the horrible things they say about you.
Instead of addressing it like an adult, he went out and cheated. His sister who you went and supported because you wanted to be a support pillar says your a horrible person. But, let's just forget. You know what you need to do.
This will ALWAYS be in your subconscious. Pick yourself up and move on. You have no ties to these people as they were very quick to severe you from theirs.