Pregnant woman with HG won't allow unhelpful SO in the room for gender reveal appointment. AITA?
"AITA, I won’t allow my SO in the room to find out our baby’s gender?"
I’m 5 months pregnant and I have HG. It’s like severe morning sickness that’s pretty debilitating. I’ve lost weight, I struggle to keep anything down, I faint, it’s a nightmare. I cut my hours at 30 a week and even then I really struggle but make myself go in because we need the money.
Me and my SO both work night shifts, we work opposite shifts and don’t finish until 5 AM, sometimes 6. On Wednesdays my SO decided to pick up football after work (there’s a work football group) he doesn’t get home until 7:40, I thought I’d take advantage of this by having him run our son to school since I’m poorly but he makes a big fuss over it.
By son starts school at 8:40, it’s not really having to stay up much longer and helps me IMMENSELY. This brings me to this post, I couldn’t sleep all night and it’s pouring down with rain outside, he came home already wet from football and I asked if he can run our son to school and he basically said yes, then went to bed instead.
This is sending the message that he has time for football, but can’t spare an extra hour to help me. I’m just sad, not angry anymore just sad, he plays up to his friends (yes I’ve heard him) about how involved he actually is.
We find out the gender today and I don’t feel like I want him there. Why does he get to enjoy the good parts and not help with the hard parts? I’m not using the baby to punish him but I feel vulnerable, lonely and sad and just want to do it myself. Yes I’ve had these conversations and he just says it will be fine.
No resolution, just “it’ll be fine." I want to keep this pregnancy private and have done a good job doing so since I got sick, his plan was to tell everyone once we find out the gender.
I’m not open to that at all, his family cause me a lot of stress because they expect me to dance around them all the time and I’ve got NC with my own for reasons and yes it still hurts. I don’t want to tell anyone. I’m sick and want to be left alone until I’m ready.
EDIT:
This is not about the gender, that was to give you information on what scan this is. I don’t care to know the gender. I’m not sure why everyone’s so hung up on that, will it make a difference what it is? Will not knowing send us into oblivion? It’s about the actual appointment and how I feel about it.
Acting on emotion is never good hence this post to check if I’m an ahole. I don’t want to see the scan, I don’t want to see images of the baby, I don’t want anyone touching or poking me, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to know the gender, I don’t want to reveal to everyone I’m pregnant and I feel very uncomfortable having someone there who has not supported or helped me through it all. The gender is irrelevant.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
junglemice said:
NTA. Getting your son to school is a shared responsibility, and one of you is unwell and doing the exhausting work of growing a baby. He can step up and rejig his schedule for this period.
The options are effectively that he (presumably in good health and not pregnant) moves his sleep schedule by an extra hour to run his child to school, or that his pregnant and unwell partner does so. It's a pretty obvious solution. Is he really feeling so hard done by that he won't willingly do this?
You've said he's wanting to tell his family the baby's gender straight away. It's totally understandable and reasonable that you don't want that. If you can't trust him to keep this to himself, then I think the better solution is NOT to find out the gender at this scan.
For either of you. I think it would be an AH move if you find out without him, and I don't think it would help things in the long run. So maybe just skip finding out at this stage until you're both on the same page about who/when to tell?
What you said about him wanting the good bits but not the hard bits of parenting... absolutely this. It's concerning to me that he doesn't seem able to take your word for how debilitating HG can be.
Does he think it's just a mild bit of nausea and you can crack on with your day? You're NTA but talk to him, tell him what you and your children need from him.
zeeelfprince said:
NTA. I was really questioning whether you were being honest with yourself about whether you were using your child, and having (moreso, not having) your partner here for this scan, as a way of punishing your partner.
But then I got to the part about the in-laws. That changed my perspective. As did your partner only wanting to be involved in the good parts, and hyping up his involvement to his friends, but in reality, he isn't doing much to support you, or your needs, imo.
If you need privacy to help get you through the sickness, to a place where you are better able to handle your in-laws, and better able to handle the stress, than I say that is absolutely what is best for you. You, and your baby's health come first. Not your in-laws wanting to parade you around like the prize winning puppy. Not your partner, wanting to only be involved when it suits his interests.
Take the time to yourself, if that's what you need, but if your partner isnt supporting you the way you need, I would advice you to reach out to other people in your support system. Pregnancy is hard. Don't try to do it on your own: even if you don't want to involve your partner just yet.
LouieAvalonMac said:
NTA. You have the right to have a private consultation - it’s your body and it’s your right - end of story. Of course as the other parent he has certain rights - but not about this. You don’t have to have anyone in the delivery room either.
But I'm so sorry and you need to look at the bigger picture. You’re having a crisis in your relationship and it needs to be addressed and solved. If your both working shifts it sounds as though you don’t spend much time together either. Please tell him - tell him you’re not happy in your relationship at all and things will have to change.
You both need therapy to come to an agreement before the new baby arrives. Things will get harder when you have two. Your partner needs to learn that fathers don’t babysit their children - they parent them.
ParsimoniousSalad said:
NTA. This is his son who needs to go to school - much more than your SO needs to play football. It's not about "helping you" it's about pulling his weight in this family.
princess_banana_ said:
ESH. Why are you even with him at this point? What do you envision your future to be? You’ll have a newborn and a selfish partner, a toddler and a selfish partner…etc. it’s not going to get better.
OP responded to the above comment here:
When I found out I went straight to the doctor because I thought an abortion was best, I told him already that this relationship is failing and if he doesn’t pull his finger out I will be gone. He tried to get into the appointment and I didn’t want him to because I didn’t want him to influence my decision.
I broke down at the appointment and my doctor wouldn’t give me anything until I take the rest of the week to think about it because I really was at a loss what to do, after my appointment in the car park he kept asking “why are you doing this?And “are you really going to terminate? Why??”
I completely shut down after that and went into denial I was even pregnant. I didn’t receive any pregnancy related care for a long time, I was living in pretend world. It was only when I got really sick it impacted looking after my son, myself, the house, work, then I went looking for help, I’ve still not came to terms with it and having no support on top makes me want to top myself some days because of the position I’VE put myself in.