'AITA for telling my fiancé I’m leaving because his mom threatened to take our child?'
"AITA for telling my fiancé I’m leaving because his mom threatened to take our child?"
I (25f) had to have a very serious conversation with my (28m) fiancé about whether I can continue to stay with him under these conditions. My fiancé and I have both quit our jobs to become full time caregivers for both his grandparents, 83f and 90m, on his mom’s side.
We get paid to do it, though it definitely wasn’t enough for the amount of care his grandmother needed (fiancé agreed it wasn’t enough since she was completely bedridden). But they’re his grandparents that practically raised him so we did it regardless of the money.
Both grandparents have always been grateful for everything we have done to help take care of them. His grandmother recently passed away due to a long list of medical issues. She was really on board with us having a kid and wanted to live to hold the child when the little one is born. Unfortunately that didn’t happen.
I absolutely love my fiancé and I am happy to have been here for him every step of the way, but the living conditions aren’t perfect. Imagine 70+ years of stuff packed into boxes in a 2 story house that needs a lot of work done on it. His grandparents and mother were on board with us cleaning the place up. So that’s what we have been working on.
Through every step of the way his mom is arguing that we should sell stuff instead of throwing it away or donating it because “that’s money you’re throwing away” or that we threw away something of hers that she wanted to keep. We’ve asked her numerous times to come over and take a look at what she wants to keep, but she has refused to do so. All this is for context.
I was pregnant last November and ended up having a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage) in December, but no one except me and my fiancé knew about it. I was heartbroken, but figured it was probably from stress. His grandmother took a turn for the worst at that time and I was practically in tears everyday.
We tried again and I’m now happily 6+ weeks pregnant. Fiancé is ecstatic and is looking forward to being a dad. Grandpa is also happy that he gets to be a great-grandpa.
Fiancé refused to tell his mom since her mental stability is inconsistent. I respected this decision since every time he tried to ease her into it she would go off about how “the world is sh*t and that no one should bring a kid into this world.”
He told her the day they took his grandmother off of life support, it was prior to them going to the hospital, since he was going to talk to his grandma about it when she was there. She took the news well and was happy about it.
The following day she comes over to spend so time with her father, but eventually came to talk to us. Claiming that we should have told her since this child is a 1/4 of her and that we shouldn’t tell anyone until we reach the 3 month mark.
Pretty much a long slew of she is deeply hurt that she had to hear the news through fiancé telling grandma about it and followed up with saying she had to hear the news from grandpa.
Then proceeded to say that her father is our cash cow and that we better take care of him and not elderly abuse him since neither of us has a job. Fiancé cut her off and told her to stop yelling in front of me since he didn’t want me to stress over it. They asked me to leave which I happily did.
She came up after talking with him and apologized to me saying that it was all on him and that I need to do all the planning telling me this kid is 1/4 of her etc. I nodded and just left the subject alone because I didn’t want to argue.
Later me and fiancé talked about it alone and told me that on 2 separate occasions that she threatened to take custody of our child when it was born. Saying that I was an unfit mother and that I’m lazy. She then proceeds to tell him that the courts would be in her favor since neither of us have a job.
I can handle a lot of insults because I have thick skin and grew up with a very troubled past, mom a recovering addict dad wasn’t around all that much. Was pretty much raised by my grandmother on my father’s side, who always told me my parents aren’t bad people they just made a lot of poor decisions. So grateful that she never kept me in the dark about them.
BUT the one thing I will NOT stand for is anyone threatening to take my child from me. I love this little life that’s growing in me so much already. I would do anything to protect it from anyone even if it’s family.
I told my fiancé flat out she has one more time to say that and I’m leaving for the safety of our child. He agreed and said to do whatever it takes though he knows they are empty threats and that she’s just looking for someone to be mad at.
I told him I do not care how mad at the world she is. She has no right to bring my unborn child into her delusional world. And if that means I have to cut his family out of our child’s to protect the little one, I will with no hesitation.
He understands and agrees that if comes to that then I have to do it. He promised his grandparents that he would be there until the end for both of them so I don’t expect him to leave just because I do. Though he has told me that he will if his mom continues this behavior.
A part of me feels bad because his grandpa is so excited for this child that everyday he asks me when is the baby going to be born, he has dementia. BUT this child is HALF of me and growing INSIDE OF ME.
I haven’t told too many of my family members about this situation, but those I have are more than happy to take us in. I’m very close with my family because they knew what I went through growing up and they are all so happy that I’m having a child despite my past (No one really thought that I would want kids). AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
gregwhale5 said:
Nta, any way you can just cut the mom out of the picture?... She has no right to the baby, and if you are doing fine, not having jobs is not a problem as far as children are concerned....
Completely cutting the mother (and other offensive family members if applicable) out of your lives , never responding to her..etc might be better than leaving the father behind.
BeachinLife1 said:
NTA. Ask her what kind of unfit parent she was, since your fiance was raised by his grandparents? Does she think the courts won't take into account that she didn't even raise her own kid? She's clearly insane, so keep her away from your child.
She may have the run of the house, but you can set up a nursery/sitting room where you can take the baby and and BOLT the door whenever she's around. She does not have the "run" of your child. And if she threatens to take your kid again, file a police report for the threat of kidnapping. That oughta shut her up.
Visual-Lobster6625 said:
NTA - document every crazy thing she does to prove how unstable she is. Don't be afraid to record conversations either.
Wise_Monitor_Lizard said:
NTA. I would suggest speaking to an attorney on behalf of Grandpa because both of you are his caretakers, not his mother. Her behavior is not acceptable. Fiance needs to tell his mother that if she doesn't back off the two of you will move out and she will need to care for her father herself.
I understand he wants to stay for gramps, but his child needs to come first. Period. That's what it means to bring a baby into the world. His very first responsibility is to his child.
writingisfreedom said:
Nta. That life growing inside you matter more then anyone now, more then grandpa more then your husband. Not saying don't care about them but you need to come first. I honestly wouldn't even give that women 1 more chance, I'd be protecting myself now. Fool me once shame on you, shame me twice shame on me.
Swiss_Miss_77 said:
NTA. Check out JustNoMIL. More supportive and lots of helpful information available for dealing with bonkers mils.