Pregnant woman shares odd story about SIL; 'I divided our family over an ultrasound.' AITA?

"AITA for dividing our family over an ultrasound?"

I (32F) and husband Frank (34M) were pregnant Everyone on both sides of the family seemed super excited about the baby because it was the first grandchild on both sides.

My parents ended up being in town coincidentally the day I had a scheduled ultrasound so I invited them to tag along and see. Cue lots of happy tears.

My inlaws never outright protested but there were jealousy noises so I decided to invite them to my next scheduled ultrasound. MIL and FIL live a fair distance away so we planned a weekend around the scan.

My SIL has always been a bit tricky. Shes 4 years younger than Frank and the baby of the family, no is not in her vocabulary. She has shown little to no interest in me or the pregnancy. I'm not offended by people not liking babies, nbd, but I start getting tired of her calling our unborn kid things like a crotch goblin and crotch fruit.

SIL and I dont hang out or talk btw, she just posts sarcastic comments in the family chat. I just ignore her or let Frank handle it because life is too short for whatever this attention seeking/jealousy/nonsense is.

Fast forward to my picking my inlaws up at the airport Thursday night and surprise surprise my SIL is there too. We're a bit confused since she's never flown out to see us in 6 years of marriage and she wasnt invited but eh, shes showing an interest so we go along.

We go to dinner and after we're talking about the scan and SIL pipes up about how it better not be early in the morning because shes not forcing herself to miss sleep over my spawn.

I laugh and tell her that the scan is scheduled for 7:15am and we'll be back in time for breakfast before shes even up. SIL loses it and starts screaming at me.

Frank and I explain that there can be 3 people plus me in the room, him, FIL, MIL. MIL says Frank should be the one in the waiting room because shes our guest. I start getting annoyed because a) it's my v@gin@ b) it's his baby c) she wasn't invited.

I tell SIL she's not coming and all hell breaks lose. Screaming at me, name calling, slurs, etc. Inlaws back SIL up and say that if shes excluded they're not coming to the appointment either. Giant family fight ending in Frank kicks his whole family out of the house and we go to the ultrasound by ourselves.

Baby is now 10 months and inlaws still havent met him, SIL hasn't spoken to us and blocked us on everything. FIL and MIL CONSTANTLY harp on the fact if I had just let SIL come to my scan I wouldnt have divided the family and ruined everything this way and they wont meet our son until we apologizd and that I'm cruel for keeping him from his family.

I think I should get a say in who I want at my own medical appointments but it's been going on for over a year now and they're still refusing to acknowledge the baby. AITA for not letting her come?

Was it worth all of this sadness and drama for a 45 minute scan?? AITA for depriving my son out of an entire half of his family because I wanted a say in my own pregnancy?

Edit: sorry guys I'm new at this and forgot to mention the reason I think I might be TA! Yes my SIL is a brat and yes my inlaws are exhausting and yes I'm probably going to need another teeth grinding night guard when I chomp through mine like a beaver.

BUT, he's a pretty cool little guy and is starting to learn words and recognize people and has a great relationship with my family. I'm anxious that no apology will be given on either side and now itll be six years down the road and I'll have to answer to him, oh why dont you have a relationship with daddy's family?

well mom decided her hill to die on was a black and white video of you because she didn't want your aunt dictating her body or choices. Like I get that I was in the right to have her not in my appointment but should I swallow my pride enough to fix things that my little guy gets half his family back?

Or stick to my guns because the whole "family is family" thing doesnt hold water if everyone is toxic drama?

Yes, as those redditors who have had babies before guessed, the ultrasound I am referring to is THE BIG twenty week anatomy and gender reveal ultrasound. So yes, my inlaws were saying they should all be in the room while my husband stood in the hall as we found out the babys gender for the first time.

First off, thank you to EVERYONE for the incredibly kind and supportive comments, for the awards, for the sharing and the personal stories! I am touched so many people took time out of their day to help with my first world problem! If I dont reply individually immediately it's because I'm wrangling a 26 pound butterball turkey of a baby.

To answer more questions, we're dealing with a family of Long Islanders here so that should clear up most family dynamic questions. To the non Americans in the post, Long Island is in New York and is characterized by loud, pushy, affluent, dramatic women (sorry to everyone getting lumped in here).

So in general that means my SIL is spoiled, rich, and the family princess. She has no mental or physical problems, has no known fertility issues, never been married, and is just all around rather difficult to deal with due to some serious entitlement issues. SIL dislikes me because her brother and I are vaguely apathetic to her.

I'm not impressed by purses or horses or jewelry so I just nod bemusedly as she shows me her newest Arabian tack or Von Cleef swatch watch. I collect cake pans so she finds my "lack of social standing" beneath her and that my husband is an embarrassment since he went into something so "vulgar and pedestrian" as crypto currency.

Since we don't need the family money we try to stay out of family drama as much as possible since we "embarrass her" (who knew buying my jeans at Target was such an unpardonable offense). We try to just keep out of it so the ensuing fight at our house was one for the ages.

30 years of family drama got brought up (missing my husband's debate championship for SIL's riding schedule, her deliberately trying to poison husband to "test" his shellfish allergy, FIL MIL always allowing SIL to choose first at activities/vacations/theater tickets etccc). Frank seems to have found it heartbreaking if cathartic to finally let it all out.

Now that everyone has clearly convinced me to wash my hands of my lingering guilt I shall TSwift shake all this off and follow Frank's lead. The world is stressful enough without what these lovely people add to it.

I won't stop them if they choose to form a relationship with the baby but it'll be on my husband's terms. You all were right in that I felt like I had to "fix it" because I felt like I "broke it" when I was really only the tipping point "it" fell off from.

To the super kind hearted people saying I cant be this innocuous and MUST be leaving something out, holy hell I wish I was. This would be far more palatable for me if I could pinpoint doing "something" that I could point to a be like eh that tracks I guess I deserve that.

I wish I was more interesting or dramatic but I am incredibly boring. I'm basically Anne from Arrested Development personality wise. White, boring ass toast.

I'm going to go put this beeb to bed, drink a big ole glass of red wine, and listen to "don't rock the boat" because of all the wonderful tipsy boat analogies. Thanks again everyone!! Cheers from my little family to yours!

Let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

foundagy writes:

Lots of assholes here, but none of them are you. Upside is, these people haven't been bugging you about how you are raising your baby. NTA.

OP replies:

That is true! It has been fairly quiet on my end of things recently. The first few months were a barrage of texts from inlaws friends and coworkers chastising me from keeping my "family" away from the baby.

My reply was that I never forbade anyone from a visit or photos, I just wasnt apologizing for being upset about having a medical appointment crashed and a gender reveal ruined.

Not that it matters because he's healthy and happy but I was gutted at my own scan from everything that happened and wasnt interested in anything other than the fact that he was physically healthy.

The ob told us he was a boy and that poor girl, we both gave out the most watery and sad "woo" anyone has ever heard. We had planned a big restaurant dinner and scrambled to add a place for my SIL last minute.

Instead of the "family" going out to dinner to celebrate our new son I cried over a piece of cake at our empty table that we still had to pay the prepaid reservations for. Not my finest memory.

None of that side of the family seems to care at all that I was hurt and felt marginalized or that Frank and his feelings were dismissed for his sisters again...but god forbid my SIL had her feelings hurt by not being welcomed into a legit medical appointment. Sigh.

graham writes:

This is some ridiculous adult behavior. You’re def NTA. Your husband def should have been in the room. I never invited anyone with me and in general know most people don’t, it was a generous offer.

They have now taken their stubbornness and blown it up into something they may not be able to swallow and walk back from, but that’s their problem. You should in no way feel guilty.

They haven’t acknowledged your child! They owe apologies for overreacting, insulting you, ostracizing you from the other family, and most importantly ignoring your son. Even if they never apologize they should be the ones to reach out and maybe you can just sweep it under the table. Sorry for this, it’s a tough situation.

camptoenrace writes:

Honestly, it’s better to draw a line in the sand now. Sounds like SIL and her future kids will get treated better no matter what. I grew up having Christmas at my Aunt’s.

We weren’t allowed to bring our gifts and had to wait for Santa later that night when we got home. That was the beginning of a lifetime of knowing that we will be treated poorly compared to my cousins.

Yes, I don’t have a relationship with my dad’s side of the family. Even as adults, they treat us like crap. They get jealous and mean over every ounce of attention we get from other family members.

My parents reasoned with us that we get better opportunities than them so deal with it. I would have rather made awesome memories with the family that treats us like family.

We tried so hard to make the holidays special with my dad’s family. Finally, it took my uncle trying to run my brother with his truck over two years ago for us to call it quits with them. We spent 30 years of these miserable Christmases with them. Now we don’t talk but we are happier and safer. Ignorance is bliss in this situation.

photog writes:

NTA- not by a long shot. I'm a man, so take this with a grain of salt, but your guest list seems pretty big to me, but more power to you. You can invite or kick anyone you want for any reason.

FIL and MIL are the ones that divided the family by weaseling into the appointment and inviting SIL along. If they had stood up to her or not invited her without getting permission from you, the family wouldn't be divided.

Them not meeting the baby for over 10 months shows that they don't actually care about you, their son, or grandson. Attending the ultrasound was never about supporting your family. It was about them bragging.

It sounds like the 10 months without them (so far) was the nicest gift you could have received.

OP replies:

And you're right, it was a lot of people for an ultrasound. But on my side of the family we're big on familial equality so no one gets spoiled or left out. My parents were in town for work conference and my appointment was a Monday before they flew out that afternoon.

They were so honored to get to see the baby and went on and on about how improved the tech is since my mom's scan almost...33 years ago now lol. My mom posted on facebook thanking Frank for including them in such a special day. MIL made a passive aggressive comment about how special that must have been.

My parents got to come to a one off, quick 10 minute scan and got a heartbeat bear (a stuffed bear that they put the babys heartbeat recording into) so I thought I could extend a similar offer to my inlaws to even things up.

The 20 week scan is almost an hour long and includes the gender reveal. It's still a medical scan at the doctors and includes a check to see if the heart is forming well, is there a cleft palate, any limb abnormalities, etc. So it's still a very serious scan but it's a long one and it's exciting to get to finally know gender.

I preordered another heartbeat bear and bought an ultrasound frame for the inlaws. I have a sister and my mom has expressed that she and her wife included her quite a bit in their pregnancy, but she always worried she was overreaching because her DIL wasn't "hers" like I am and didnt want to be too nosy.

I didnt want my inlaws to feel left out since I'm their son's wife so I thought it was kind to invite them to the big scan even though that's not normally the thing.

Long story long, I at least now have a heartbeat bear and an extra ultrasound frame..

fountra writes:

I'm really curious to know if anyone has asked SIL why she showed up or why she cared so much at that point in time when she hadn't shown interest before? Also, she literally JUST said she was not sacrificing her sleep to go to the ultrasound, and you basically said "That's ok we'll be back before breakfast" which, as someone with idiopathic Hypersomnia and a big...

mostly active family (especially on vacations), that's a sentence that I love hearing when my family has early morning plans, because it means I'm not keeping them from doing what they want, and they're not upset at me for needing to sleep.

There was no communication, and MIL/FIL are both awful for just bringing SIL along without ANY communication at all with you two. What if you didn't have room at the house? What if you didn't want SIL there? Or, as was precisely the case, what if SIL couldn't ALSO be in the room?

How dare they suggest the child's father not be in the room for that, how dare they suggest that you have to be in that room for this moment that was important to both of you, vulnerable, half naked, ALONE with nothing but your in laws?! You didn't divide the family, they did. They put you in a very unfair position.

Those comments have all been made in the family group chat, which means they should have questioned why the SIL suddenly wanted to be involved. They should have asked you and your husband if you were comfortable with her being there.

It's just common courtesy all around, for any part of this situation, even just based on the fact that it was a planned weekend and food reservations would be involved. You don't spring that on anyone, let alone a pregnant couple.

You're NTA, OP, but I'm really curious as to what the SIL was thinking with all of this shit, or if maybe MIL/FIL tried to drag her because they wanted her to get involved, and sprung that conflict on you and your husband.

You're being asked to steady the boat while SIL rocks it, and you chose to go find another boat for you and your husband. Now, the in laws can't steady it themselves, and they're pushing that vitriol at you. If your kid eventually does ask, you can be honest about it, as hard as it may be.