'AITA for pretending to my wife that we're struggling financially?'
"AITA for pretending to my wife that we're struggling financially?"
I handle all of the financial decisions in our family. So much so that my wife has never checked her retirement accounts, bank accounts, etc. I don’t even think she remembers the passwords, although she has them. She just doesn’t care and HATES to talk about budgets and money.
Now, I have access and she gave me authorization to trade/manage on all of both of our retirements. I’ve done really well in the market for the last 5 years. Well enough that we could potentially retire early and the kids are covered for school, weddings, etc. But…I’m not bringing it up
I’m going to pretend we’re still struggling and continue to stay the course with savings. She’ll appreciate it 20 years from now, when otherwise she’d feel comfortable digging in to our savings. She has complete access to see any of it at any time. Still, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. AITAH?
Edit: Ok, so yes, I have brought up retirement, investments, and budgets all the time. She’s just made it very clear to me that she does. not. care. and that I’m in charge of that.
And also, yes, we’ve done well enough to diversify and manage risk, albeit an up market and everyone in the market is doing better. I get it. I’m not humble bragging that I’m a market guru by any stretch. Just got lucky.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
What do you mean by "pretend to still be struggling"?
AstigmaticMoose OP responded:
Yeah I should clarify. By struggling, I really mean doing normal things like eating at home, not buying new stuff when we can buy used things or less expensive, she says I should buy a new car, I’m fine with my 15 year old. We both have good jobs, so I should dial back the word struggling.
As a wife, I’d be pretty pissed off if my husband lied to me and said we’re “struggling” while we are in fact not. She trusts you completely. Why are you choosing to lie?
AstigmaticMoose OP responded:
Lying by omission. Yes. I agree with that. But, in my defense, I have tried several times to include her. But the glazed eyes show up when I talk about family finances. It’s more like, I’ve tried time and time again to make it a team effort, and she taps out of any discussion about money.
As long as you’re not a cheap about it. Like… still go do things, have fun, take vacations, help your kids. Don’t hoard all your wealth until you’re retired and old, some only get a few years to enjoy their retirement. I’m sure they wished to have taken more time to enjoy life while young.
AstigmaticMoose OP responded:
I’m completely sensible about that stuff. Celebrations, presents, occasional vacations, things like that. I’m the more moderate, though, for sure.
YTA. No one has “five good years” on the market and can suddenly retire 20 years early unless they’re engaging in some really, really risky trades. It’s one thing to ask your wife to trust you, it’s another entirely to do that sort of trading without a solid conversation with your wife about her risk appetite.
If you don’t want to have that convo, or if she won’t, you need to settle for an index fund or similar. Otherwise, in a few years you’ll be back here saying, “I’ve lost my shirt on the stock market, my wife doesn’t know, WIBTA if I don’t tell her and try to trade my way out?”
AstigmaticMoose OP responded:
By 20 years early, I mean we’re now heavily diversified with lower risk, and with compound interest for the next 20 years and us still working, we’ll be ABLE to retire. Up till now, we’ve both worked with an understanding that we’ll be working until we die. (And I know that could still happen. Nothing is for certain).
Op you’re NTA my husband is a frugal man and could also manage our financial affairs and if I gave him full access and permission I wouldn’t question it either. She trusts your judgement and you’re doing good by not taking advantage of that. Maybe retire 5 years sooner as a surprise.
AstigmaticMoose OP responded:
That’s exactly the way I was thinking about it. “Remember when we planned to work until the grave? How does NOT doing that sound?”
You’re a good human and it’s clear she trusts you. If anyone calls you an AH they can kick grass lol 😂
As long as you don't lie to her if she asks.
AstigmaticMoose OP responded:
I’m 100% ready to talk about it when she doesn’t fall asleep or pull out her phone when I start talking money.
Well, now things depend a lot on what “normal things” means. How often do you eat out? Never? Who does the cooking when you eat at home? How many vacations do you take per year? What exactly are you buying used? Is she getting her clothes second hand too?
Does she have hobbies that are funded or are hobbies not allowed if there’s any cost associated with it? Does she like her job or is she miserable and you’re going to pretend she has to keep working to keep a roof over your head? How many times have/will you move the goalposts on when there will be enough money to relax a bit?
AstigmaticMoose OP responded:
Ok so, we don’t fight over money and she has complete autonomy on all accounts. Without getting into dollar amounts, she has hobbies and does them freely. She loves her job and has refused when I asked if she’d like to pull back and go part time.
I do all cooking, shopping, 50/50 on cleaning, laundry, financials, split kids activities. If anything, I’ve told her she didn’t have to work so much. I’ve moved the goalposts TOWARD her.
I would just say “I was going through our investments recently. All is on track. Any time you’d like a more detailed update, please let me know.”
ESH. She should be more involved, but if you won't even tell her "hey retirement looks really good and we've got a college fund as long as we keep living as we are" then you're not really a partnership. She, like everyone else in the world, likely stresses about the future an awful lot, and withholding this from her is cruel.
Considering he said “she’d feel comfortable digging into our savings” I’m assuming that right now, she’s fine spending money on groceries, maybe newer clothes sometimes, but if she finds she has a ton of money at her disposal, she’ll go spend willy-nilly.
Sounds like husband wants them to be able to live the life they are right now after they retire, but if she went and dug into the savings, they’d probably have to cut back a bit.
AstigmaticMoose OP responded:
This is accurate. I’m the tortoise when it comes to long term planning. She, self admittedly, is not.
How much of their modest living is due to her uncompensated labor to keep within a budget?
AstigmaticMoose OP responded:
I don’t want to be indignant about this generalization about men, so I’ll just say when it comes to “womanly” duties, I’m your man. I 100% do all cooking, shopping, sewing of kids clothes, cleaning and kids stuff is 50/50.
Then I’ll turn around and go change the oil on our cars, replace a sink, and install a sprinkler. We both pull our weight. I’m just more of a DIY YouTube “I can fix that” person and she’s more of a “call and hire someone who knows what they’re doing.”