'AITA for pretending to love my son's stepchildren so I can see my granddaughter?'
"AITA for pretending to love my son's stepchildren so I can see my granddaughter?"
Imaginary-Tip-5535
I (65f) have a granddaughter Rochelle (18f) through my second son Chris (40m) who I love dearly. My son made the horrible choice to leave Rochelle's mom for his wife Ann (37f) and be a stepfather to her kids while almost ignoring Rochelle completely.
I didn't hide my disappointment and secretly hoped that Chris would be able to get Rochelle's mother back but that woman had too self respect and I admire her for that.
My greatest fear was that when she left I'd never see Rochelle again but her mom didn't keep me away and allowed me to still see her. Unfortunately, Rochelle's mom got a job in another state that paid a lot more money and took Rochelle with her.
After that my access to Rochelle was entirely on Chris and Ann knew it. Before the move Ann had been trying to get me to babysit her kids like I do for my other grandchildren, I have three grandsons and two goddaughters, but I refused because they have no home training.
Ann's kids are messy, disrespectful, loud, and are the type that expect you to share but will never share anything of theirs. I dreaded the days where Ann and her kids would come over for family gatherings because her kids would almost always break stuff or get into fights with other children.
When Rochelle came to spend Christmas with her dad I was so excited to see her for the first time but when I came over Ann refused to let me in until I showed her what I'd gotten her kids for Christmas.
I had to open all the presents right there in the cold and when she told me that I needed to go to the store and buy better ones I refused and she slammed the door in my face. I called my son who sided with her and he said that if I ever wanted to see Rochelle again I'd have to be fair to "all my grandchildren."
Rochelle was coming back for the summer so I swallowed my pride and gave in to Ann's demands. She would drop her kids off at my place with no warning, would laugh off whatever damage they caused, and just overall be a pain in the a$$.
However, I got to keep Rochelle with me for most of the summer so I just took it and I know Rochelle was grateful for it because she loved spending time with her cousins and friends when with me.
I also had Rochelle's mama's blessing. Over the years I started a college fund for each of my grandchildren and put a little money away every birthday, Christmas, and A+ they got on a high school report card.
Rochelle and Todd (18m), Ann's son, graduated the same year. I gave Rochelle a card, with a bank statement of her fund, and a cake. I gave Todd a card and gift card. When he, Ann, and Chris asked about his college fund I told them that I only set up funds for my grandchildren which he is not.
I had to block Ann because she was harassing me. Chris threatened to restrict access to Rochelle from me but I reminded him that she was 18 now. I got a message from my goddaughter showing me pictures of Ann and Todd calling me some very vile names because I pretended to love them. AITA?
Edit: Because I keep seeing this I just wanted to make things clear.
My son and Ann have been together for over 10 years. My son cheated on Rochelle's mom with Ann and Ann knew that she was the other woman. His father did the same to me so I was definitely bitter towards her from the start.
I got Ann's kids decent gifts she just felt like I should've spent more money. I've said it up there and I'll say it down here Ann's kids were terribly behaved and bullied my grandchildren. To this day they've never apologized for it.
Rochelle doesn't have a good relationship with Ann or her kids and doesn't care to ever see them again. I know that adopted and step kids can be just as real as biological children. Just not in my case because of how awful Ann's kids are.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
That makes it sound like your potential to love grandchildren hinges on their behavior. It’s totally normal not to like one as much as another due to behavior but withholding familial love seems harsh. Most kids being adopted aren’t babies and all come with their own trauma, behavior, and personality that you need to accept and work with.
Imaginary-Tip-5535 OP responded:
Unless I'm not being told something Ann's kids weren't traumatized. They were just spoiled and never disciplined.
Also, I can accept imperfect children. There's just a difference from making a mistake or not knowing any better and being an entitled, rude, selfish, and hurtful person who refuses to apologize. I have a grandson who refuses to be in the same room as Ann's children because of how they treated him.
G0t2ThinkAboutIt
NTA. Emotional blackmail. I would talk to Rochelle and explain the situation to her. She may not like her step-siblings either, or she may adore them. Explain you would like to have a relationship with only Rochelle as she is your granddaughter and you love her very much and think she is very special.
If she seems willing, continue to indicate that you just don't have a good relationship with her step-siblings, and would she mind if you don't continue to act as their grandmother too.
If she doesn't mind, go NC with Chris and his new family. They can apologize to you and you can decide at that time if you want to have a relationship on YOUR terms this time.
Note: Please make sure your will and health care directive are up-to-date. I would not trust Chris with your assets, or making medical decisions for you if something were to happen.
TheYankcunian
This, OP! Now that Rochelle is of age, you no longer have to play nice. Make sure your will is buttoned up. As a mother, I’d be devastated if my son pulled this garbage with me.
You have no obligation to Ann and her kids, and your son seems to have no care about how you feel. He’s shown his true colors here and when someone shows you who they are, it’s best to believe them. I wish you luck. NTA.
rememberimapersontoo
NTA this is 100% anne’s fault. I feel bad for her kids because she stood in the way of a natural relationship forming between you all with her unreasonable and entitled demands.
To be honest, I would send the kid a text saying that you wish you had gotten a chance to know him on your own terms so you could have actually enjoyed the relationship and come to love him for real, but unfortunately you were acting under duress of having your grandchild withheld and you did what you had to do.
Explain that you’re only human and after so many years of basically having to appease his mother at metaphorical gunpoint, you don’t have any energy left to form a truly meaningful relationship with him.
edit: You’re alright but the son is equally at fault. my bad i guess a little internalised misogyny in me left him off the hook for child rearing.
aquavenatus
NTA. This is why you read the entire story! Your own son put you into a position where you had no choice but to “approve” his past actions. And, because of his wife, you did what you had to do in order to maintain a relationship with your granddaughter.
Their actions are why you have such a hollowed relationship with your son’s step kids and their treatment of you won’t warrant them forgiveness (in my opinion). At least your granddaughter is now 18 and neither one of you have to deal with your son’s demands.
GhostParty21
NTA. Chris and Ann created this situation. They should’ve never emotionally blackmailed you in the first place. But honestly even if we remove all the bad stuff, blackmail, cheating, unruly kids, and this was an amicable situation, you still did nothing wrong.
Expecting people to set-up college funds for their step-grandkids is ridiculous. If the step-grandparent wants to and is able to great, but to feel entitled to it is unreasonable and unrealistic.