Father confesses loss of love for children after learning they kept their mother’s affair a secret. AITA? + Update
"AITA for prioritizing my nephew and niece over my own children after they hid their mom's affair from her for years?"
OkPrinciples
I (57M) was married to my wife for almost 25 years, and we divorced 4 years ago after I found out about her infidelity. She had an affair partner for almost 5 years. She is now with her affair partner. The whole process hurt me a lot because I everything I did in life, I did it for my wife and kids, and to now find that about my wife, it just hurt me.
My 2 children (29F, 26M) had known about the affair for years, and they had hidden it from me. They both felt very guilty about it, and I don’t blame them, because they didn't want to break up their family.
My daughter even cried a lot, and apologized a lot of times, but I told her it was alright. They had their own life now, and I didn’t want this eating them up, so I told them to let go of the guilt.
However, ever since I found that they had hidden the affair from me, I lost a lot of love for them. I wasn’t going to cut them out of my inheritance or will or anything like that, but emotionally I couldn’t connect them with at all.
I also have a niece (30F) and nephew (28M) who I have been very close with, especially since their father passed away at a really young age. I played a father like role during their young years, because losing her husband at such a young age was very tough for my sister.
Over the last 4 years, I have also been looking forward to spend more time with them. Both my niece and nephew have children, and they have invited me over for their children’s birthdays.
They have also invited me over for their own birthday’s, on Father’s Day, on holidays. Overall we are a very tight knit multi generational family, and I am very proud to be a grandpa to their children, and we are already developing a bond.
However, in doing so, I have also lost all interest in connecting with my own children. My daughter has 2 children, while my son has his first child on the way. They have invited me over multiple times, but I have told them I’m busy.
I rarely go over if at all, and I’ve missed almost all of their children’s special occasions. I’m not really interested in being a grandpa to their children. Monetarily, sure, I have been sending them gifts, but I just don’t feel like seeing them at all. My daughter especially seems very hurt by it at times, but I hope she understands the reason for this. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's inital post:
chez2202
NTA for prioritising your niece and nephew but you DO need to be honest with your children and tell them that they lost your trust when they didn’t tell you about their mother’s affair.
Telling them not to feel guilty about it was obviously a kindness from you to make them feel better but you should have also told them that even though you don’t want them to suffer from guilt, you also don’t trust them.
sarcastic-pedant
It's more than that, though. They caused irreparable damage to their relationship, and he has forgiven, but he can't forget and pretend they are cool. If he tells them he has lost trust, they may try to work on it and increase their contact.
If he explains that he understands why they did what they did, and that he forgives them, but he is not able to forget, maybe they will see this is a direct consequence of their actions. The shame is, it isn't OP's grandkids fault, and now his ex wife has taken away his marriage, kids and grandkids from him which is so sad.
Ok_Leader_7624
This is how damaging affairs can be. You're not just fucking up your life, or your relationship with your spouse. You hurt everyone in the nuclear family and splash damage beyond.
OP, this was all your wife's doing. She's the one who cheated. She's the one who put your children in a position to hide what they discovered in the first place. She's the one who continued with her AP instead of stopping right then and there. They knew it was wrong of their mother, but talk about being between a rock and a hard spot.
Twelve hours later, the OP returned with an update.
OkPrinciples
Thank you all for the advice. The one thing I got most from the comments was that my children deserved to know the truth, and to not be left in a limbo like it was for years. And that’s what I just did.
I just got off a video call with my daughter and my son. The call was pretty rough and extremely emotional but I got everything off my chest. I told them that while I had forgiven them, I could never forget it, and that for my mental health, it was better we limit our interactions.
I told them to not feel guilty about anything, but that also after dedicating more than half my life to my wife and children, it was time I put myself first. I told them my heart wasn’t in it to be a grandparent to their children.
I was also honest with them and told them my heart was only it for my nephew’s and niece’s kids, and whenever I did go to their house, I felt joy, while for my own children, I felt nothing.
My children probably already knew it, but I wanted them to hear it from me directly. It was really hard to get it off my chest and say it directly to my children’s faces. I told them they were still welcome to come to my house anytime, and call me anytime they needed help.
Both my children took the call really hard, but I think my daughter took it worst. Those were really ugly tears, and I felt really bad about it. But I do feel a sense of relief, and I have pretty much told all of my feelings to my children and did not keep anything secret. I can now move forward with my life, and so can my children.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Fire_or_water_kai
Sad situation all around.
island_lord830
Horrible really. There is no legitimate way to judge this one. I just know from personal experience OP and his children will all come to hate and regret this entire mess someday. When it's too late and he is dead most likely.
Acrobatic-Narwhal-62
But wait did they just accept it or begged for a chance? Also did your kids relationship with their mother suffered?
OkPrinciples (OP)
They didn't beg, but they did apologize a lot and also cried, and they asked me to reconsider. I told them I would, but for now, I would rather we limit the interactions. Yes, their relationship with their mother has also suffered a lot.
CaptCaffeine
OP definitely needs to talk to a professional therapist about all this (if he hasn't already). I wouldn't know what/how to feel, but instances like this deserve a professional therapist.