Man caught between attending sister's rescheduled wedding and girlfriend's milestone birthday. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for Prioritizing My Sister’s Wedding Over My Girlfriend’s Birthday After She Gave Me an Ultimatum?"
weirdbutok__
My girlfriend "Lisa" and I have been together for two years. Her birthday is coming up, and she’s been planning a big celebration with friends and family for months. It’s a milestone birthday for her, and she’s really excited about it because she’s always felt her birthdays haven’t been celebrated properly in the past.
Here's where it gets complicated: my sister "Jane" just announced her wedding date, and it’s the same weekend as Lisa’s birthday. Jane and her fiancé had to move their wedding up due to some family health issues, and now it's a small, intimate ceremony that means a lot to her. Jane asked me to be part of the wedding party, and as her only sibling, it’s important to me to be there.
When I broke the news to Lisa, she was devastated. She feels that her birthday should be a priority, especially since I’ve known about it for so long. She’s also hurt because she planned this big event with her closest people, and my absence would be noticeable. I suggested celebrating her birthday a day earlier or later, or even me flying back the next morning, but she wasn't having any of it.
Things escalated when Lisa gave me an ultimatum: either I attend her birthday party, or we’re done. She feels this is a test of my commitment to our relationship and argues that if I loved her, I would prioritize her special day. I explained that my sister’s wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event and that I can't miss it, but she insists I’m choosing my family over her.
Now, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My family thinks it’s obvious I should go to my sister’s wedding, but some of our mutual friends say Lisa has a point and that birthdays are important milestones in a relationship.
I don’t want to hurt either of them, but I can’t be in two places at once. AITA for prioritizing my sister’s wedding over my girlfriend’s birthday after she gave me an ultimatum?
Edit: Little update...after this post I texted and called out her behaviour and now she is crying saying I don't even care for her. Am trying to calm her down but she is really crying a lot (did little video call to see her face). Idk what to do bruh..
Edit: Little more update....I think now she has calmed down a bit and is understanding my pov. I said i'll try to either rush things and be on both sides for small time or we will celebrate a grand one next time/day whenever she likes.
Now she said "ok" and then wrote long ass emotional para on how much she loves me. After reading that even i got emotional. Idk if it was genuine or not though. To the people asking it will be her 21st.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's initial post:
FierceFemme77
Did you sister move it up to that weekend knowing about the birthday weekend or did they just move it up and didn’t realize until you told them it was the same date as her birthday?
The OP responded here:
weirdbutok__
The Latter, they don't even know it's her birthday.
FierceFemme77
So my NTA still stands and that it is a red flag that she is giving you an ultimatum.
The OP again responded:
weirdbutok__
Little update: After this post I literally texted her about her behaviour and now she is crying saying I don't even care for her. What should i do ? she even made me emotional 🥲 Any solid reply you guys can suggest?
anivarcam
I thought the update will be about the break up, but it seems you rather say “I have a psycho gf, who is selfish, acts unhinged, wants the world to revolve around her and is capable of fabricating lies about my dog being sick to get me out of my sister’s wedding” than say “I’m single”… She already showed you how toxic she really is, from this point on is fully on you whatever other shenanigans she pulls.
Two and a half weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: AITA for Prioritizing My Sister’s Wedding Over My Girlfriend’s Birthday After She Gave Me an Ultimatum?"
weirdbutok__
First, thank you all for your feedback on my original post. I decided to go to my sister Jane's wedding, but things have gotten a bit more complicated since then. When I told Lisa that I would be attending the wedding, she was understandably upset and cried a lot.
She love-bombed me, showering me with affection and promises, and finally agreed that we could celebrate her birthday the next day. I thought we had come to a reasonable compromise.
During the wedding weekend, Lisa texted and called constantly with various problems. She claimed her car had broken down and she didn’t know what to do, then said she had an urgent work issue she needed my help with. At one point, she sent me a series of frantic messages about our dog acting strangely, only to later admit he was perfectly fine.
Lisa also pulled some weird stunts to disturb me. She sent a food delivery to my hotel room with a note saying, "Wish you were here," and even called the hotel pretending to be me to leave a message saying my presence was needed at home urgently. It was bizarre and stressful, but I tried to stay focused on supporting my sister.
When I got back, I went straight to see Lisa. She kissed and hugged me a lot, acting overly affectionate. However, since then, she’s been continuously taunting me about ignoring her for the wedding. She makes passive-aggressive comments like, "I guess family is more important than I am," and "Hope Jane's wedding was worth abandoning me."
I’m at a loss for how to feel. On one hand, I understand she felt neglected, but on the other hand, her behavior during the wedding was extremely disruptive. Yet sometimes she loves and seduces me like i doubt anyone can ever do it that lovely.
Our relationship feels quite complicated, and I’m not sure how to move forward. Thank you all for the advice on my previous post. I’m trying to navigate this situation, but it’s been tough.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
CriticalSimple3122
There are more red flags in Lisa’s behaviour than at a communist party meeting. Get out while you can.
MashedProstato
More red flags than Minesweeper on hard.
Far-Season-695
Look man she’s really showing who she is. This is what life is going to be like with her whereby she expects everything to revolve around her. If you want to sign up for that then go ahead but I’d personally cut bait.
maroongrad
THIS IS HOW SHE IS ACTING WHEN SHE IS ON HER "GOOD" BEHAVIOR. You're not baby-trapped, you're not engaged, you're not financially entangled, you're not married. You are free to break up with her and end the relationship pretty easily. Right now, she's got incentive to make this relationship work. She should be putting her best side forward.
THIS IS HER BEST SIDE. It only gets worse from here. Thank your lucky stars that you found out what her real personality is like BEFORE you were more deeply entangled. Jealous, incredibly self-centered, manipulative, and not mentally stable. RUN LIKE HELL.
EffPop
Run to the hills. Run for your life!