"AITA for taking in my 'problem cousin' and cancelling family events?"

Me (m30) and wife (f27) own a sizeable farm that is usually the nexus of family events. 5 Bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 300 acres and electrical hookups for 4 campers so the whole clan can come stay for extended visits in the summer. We built it that way deliberately.

My cousin Bill (m early 50s) has a daughter Alice (F18) from his first marriage. His first wife was an immigrant with no family in our country and no contact with any family in her home country. She passed away when Alice was 2 and Bill remarried Tanya (F early 50s) 6 months later. They have since had 3 kids (M14, M12, F8)

Alice is a brat. Everything in their house revolves around either "The Boys" (their two oldest together) or "Their Princess" (their daughter together) and Alice is left behind. She doesn't get to go on family trips, they wouldn't pay for extra-curricular stuff, she couldn't take elective classes that had extra fees etc. I'm not a smart man but I can recognize a kid that's hurting inside and being neglected.

She's like Mr. Hyde with them and Dr. Jekyl elsewhere. For the last 4 summers she's been coming to "work" on my farm because her parents don't want her around over summer break. She turned 18 recently and leading up to her birthday her Dad was very adamant that she was being kicked out of the house when she turned 18 because "It will teach her responsibility"

We (wife, Alice and I) discussed it and early on her birthday we pulled up with my truck and packed her stuff up. We only packed things she purchased herself or things that were given to her by another person.

My boss got creative with our benefits provider so we can get Alice on my medical benefits until she finishes university (she starts in a few weeks) so she's able to go to therapy (He reads this subreddit a lot so even though this is a throwaway, I know you'll read this chief. Thank you) and she's able to get back into sports while still saving her money.

This is where it all comes apart: Bill and Tanya are pissed that we took her in and refuse to come to family events. Part of the family refuse to attend as well because I'm "undermining Bill and Tanya, I'll understand when I have kids". After they refused to attend events, a few others said that with gas being so expensive and not everyone attending they'd skip as well.

My answer of "Okie dokie come if you want and don't if you don't" further upset people who thought I should have tried harder to get people to come so now we're down to about 1/4 of the family in attendance for events. My aunt suggested that we have Alice over on weekends and that she stays in a dorm during the week to smooth things over.

I think that's dumb, but I'm dumb and stubborn. My wife thinks it's dumb and she's really smart but also very much attached to the situation. Alice said she'd rather stay with us but would try the dorms to help make peace. AITA for not going with the dorm suggestion to keep the peace?

EDIT FOR INFO: I called Alice a "Brat" and my original post was waaaaay past the character limit but in some of the stuff that got pared down I explained it more. Typical teenage acting out but cranked up. Slamming doors, screaming matches with her step mom, swearing.

Probably 3 or 4 big blowouts a week and sometimes over some pretty disproportionately small stuff. I've watched her grow and the acting out definitely came after the exclusion from family stuff.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commeters had to say:

dwotw said

NTA. They mistreated her for years, kicked her out of the house and now they want to demand that you kick her out too. Horrible people and you shouldn't think twice about the dorm unless Alice actually wants that.

[deleted] said:

You call yourself dumb, but you have a grasp of nuance that a great deal of your family lacks. The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde comparison proves it. You understand her position and the cause for her undesirable behaviors. You understand the unfairness of her treatment, and the failures of her parents. You also have the courage to stand up for her and to stand up against your family.

I think you’re aware of how many people lack that—they live in this subreddit and many others. You also have the heart to care. You’re doing the right thing. Everyone who has a problem with it is a problem, and that’s not on you to solve. What your aunt suggested is quite literally your family trying to manipulate three adults because they are immature and controlling.

Her living there affects no one beyond their own self-absorbed mental inner world.

I hope she makes great strides with you both, and has a blast in college. NTA.

[deleted] said:

NTA. Bill and Tanya can’t have it both ways: if they’re going to kick Alice out at 18, they don’t get any say in how she navigates that. Although if she didn’t like their terms, decided to strike out on her own, and found people to help her with that, there still wouldn’t be anything they could do about it. If the rest of the family wants to throw a snitfit in solidarity, let them.

But be clear this is not up for a group vote or unsolicited suggestions, especially if the goal is to make Bill and Tanya feel like they’re teaching “responsibility” to a kid you already know is perfectly capable of working hard when she’s got something she considers worth working for.

UPDATE #1:

Thank you everyone. Gonna keep on keeping on. Bit of a mini-update: I ripped the band-aid off with the ol' fam jam and told them that fewer mouths to feed isn't the punishment they thought it was, anyone else who was coming is still welcome and I'd have the extra cash from not feeding so many people to help the folks concerned about gas prices make it out if they so chose.

I'm in like, 4 different family group chats and they're all lighting up. I'm going to turn my phone on silent for a while and let the sparks fly. I'll check in on the post in a while and if anything noteworthy comes up and it's interesting I'll give you all an update in the future.

UPDATE #2:

Alrighty, here's the update on the situation and a little background info for some consistent topics in the comments: So, my family likes to gossip and they're damn efficient at it. If your truck breaks down with only you in it 5 miles from home word has reached every aunt and cousin before you're in your door. When I put the word out, it travelled fast.

This morning I've been called all the names in the book and some new ones so there may be a revised and updated edition of said book coming out. I've been told I'm a good guy, a bad guy, I'm stupid, I'm smart, I'm short sighted, I'm thinking ahead. It's been neat.

Long story short, I've got about a dozen relatives telling me thanks and they'll buy me a pint next time they're out and and about triple that who never want to speak to me again so those are both significant victories. Now, nobody here really cares about me: We're all about Team Alice here. She's a redditor apparently and came across the post independently of me showing her.

There were tears (born of stress and relief I think) and she's going to be staying here with us until she's ready to start the next chapter of her life, whatever and whenever that might be. She's got classes picked (her college picks first year classes for you for the most part so it was a couple electives) and is looking into the women's rec league for a hockey team when the season starts so she's all set on that front.

Regarding feeding everyone and paying for gas: Without going into details, I was very fortunate as a young man to be working very very hard at a job I was woefully underqualified for while a very wealthy person was on site. Basically right place, right time and The Chief took me in and mentored me.

We have made a lot of money on a business venture together in addition to me working for him and since then I haven't exactly had F U money but enough that I was able to buy the property I live on outright and build my home here with my wife who also makes good money.

Family is important to both of us and neither of our sides of the family tree have much for money so we've done our best to make sure money isn't a barrier to getting together and seeing one another.

Now, the big news: Tanya drove down to my house this morning. Bill and I had some very loud, very angry words when he drove down last night after I chose the nuclear option in the family group chats so she actually waved a white flag from her car when she pulled up. I shooed the dogs and alpaca away and went out to talk to her, brought her out a muffin and we had a bit of a chat.

Allegedly, Bill was threatening to kick Alice out to "scare her straight" and that they weren't actually going to kick her out and they were caught off guard when we showed up on the morning of her birthday. I told her that she was missing the point and that I'm not sure I could use small enough words or short enough sentences to explain it to her if she thought that was the only problem.

She cried, she peeled out of my driveway at mach 7 and it's been radio silent since which I'm currently enjoying. Thanks everyone for the support. You're a good bunch, keep your sticks on the ice.

A year later, OP shared this third and final update:

So, about a year ago my (31M) cousin Alice (F19) moved in with my wife (F28) on her 18th birthday after being told she needed to move out on said birthday from her parents (Early/mid50s idc enough to do the math) house by said parents. I'm here with an update at her suggestion.

The Good: A year later she's a year into an Engineering degree, she's been playing lots of hockey, raised a couple of steers all on her own and at her therapists recommendation she's down to monthly sessions after a brief stop at bi-weekly after starting with weekly.

She's the same sweet kid but without the extra unneeded stress of being treated like an "also ran" alongside her younger siblings.

The Bad: Her dad showed up about a month after my original post and there was a confrontation of sorts that ended with a peace bond being issued with restrictions on how Bill and Tanya could contact Alice, myself, my missus or a couple other family members that got involved.

After the 6 months required by the peace bond, Tanya started getting back up to her old tricks but Bill seems to have smartened up a bit. The peace bond meant she has had limited contact with her siblings which has been tough.

The oldest (15M) started out pretty hostile but some of the other cousins filled him in on what was going on (I got blamed for his sudden shift in attitude, because we've established that I am just the worst with jazz hands and everything)

The Silly: Gossipy family mellowed out when they realized that the literal gravy train wasn't going to stop at the station for them. Thanksgiving last year was 26 people compared to the 60+ that came the last year I threw it prior to COVID restrictions. Easter this year was back up to an even 40 so we're probably going to plateau a little short of the old numbers.

As for resolution to the problem, Bill has been texting Alice every couple of days to check in. They've gone for coffee a few times after the peace bond expired. "I'd go to his funeral but not his birthday party" were Alice's words when I asked her about where they're at.

I'm hoping time can heal that wound but she's been really good at setting boundaries. To quote one of the great warrior poets of our time, John Cougar Mellencamp, life goes on.