'AITA - Refuse to back down from an old boundary I set, causing family drama'
"AITA - Refuse to back down from an old boundary I set, causing family drama"
Regnak_the_Wanderer
Some background first:
Two years ago, I had some friends and family over for a small barbecue, including my brother's new girlfriend (I'll call her Missy), who I hadn't met yet at that point.
At some point during the afternoon, Missy came up to me and said that she noticed that my DVD collection included a copy of Bill Cosby "Himself" (for those who aren't familiar, this was a ~90 minute stand-up special that came out in 1983, and for a long time was considered one of the best stand-up specials ever).
I explained that the DVD had been my dad's and had sentimental value. I went on to say that my dad and I had watched that special together multiple times, first on VHS and later on DVD, and our mutual love of stand-up comedy was something that we bonded over.
A couple hours later, I was cleaning up in the kitchen, and I noticed my Cosby DVD sitting in the garbage can. When I confronted Missy about it, she said that all of Cosby's old material should be destroyed, and accused me of being an "enabler and an apologist".
I told her that regardless of her opinion, she didn't get to destroy my personal property because she found it offensive, and told her she was no longer welcome in my home. She stormed out in a huff and my mom and step-dad had to give my brother a ride home.
She and my brother are still together, and we are coldly polite when we see each other at family occasions held at other locations. She has never apologized to me and as far as I'm concerned, she's still not welcome in my home.
Current Day:
Two weeks ago, my brother proposed to Missy.
My mom called me and asked if she could host an engagement party at my house. Since I have much more space (my mom and step-dad live in a small condo, and my brother and Missy live in an apartment, and I own a house with a back yard).
I told my mom, no, they can't have the party at my place, as Missy isn't welcome in my home and never will be. Well, that opened a storm of complaints and insults from all sides; my family, and her family and friends all jumped on me with both feet, complaining about how I should get over my hurt feelings and "be the bigger person". So AITA?
Edit - I got a bit more information from a mutual acquaintance after my original post. Missy's side of the story, that she has apparently been telling to all of her friends and family since the incident occurred is:
She pointed out Cosby's reputation to me, and we argued about it. I supposedly threw her out of my house because she insulted my favorite comedian, and I've been holding a grudge ever since.
Edit 2 - It's common knowledge in my family that I have a temper and tend to hold grudges (I still bust my brother's chops about the time he tore up several of my comic books when I was 9 and he was 5).
Nobody else witnessed the confrontation between Missy and me; they just heard us shouting at each other for a minute or two, then she stormed out. I'm sure that she told my brother some variation of the story that she told everyone else, so I guess my brother believed her version of what happened.
Up till now, I've kept my mouth shut about Missy because I didn't want to come across like I was trying to drive a wedge between her and my brother. When the subject of family occasions came up, I just declined to host it at my place, so my boundary or the specific reason why I dislike her didn't come up.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
gingerdaisy03
If I was meant to be the bigger person Id be taller. Seriously tho..
Upstairs-End-5117
This needs to be the top comment. Yes, we all know Bill Cosby is a sleaze, but Missy went a bridge too far. She would never be allowed to set foot in my house again.
6th_Quadrant
They’re welcome to throw an engagement party at a restaurant. I’d never let Missy back in my house either. NTA.
Ok-Condition1144
A thousand times NTA. Your home, you choose whom you invite. Who knows what other liberties Little Miss Judgmental may take with your home.
pg67awx
NTA i hate bill cosby, obvs, but owning an old DVD of his standup does absolutely nothing to support him. Missy turned it into something it wasnt and couldnt leave it be. Thats her issue, not yours.
crom_77
NTA. Good for you standing your ground. If she ever wants to set foot in your house again, she should apologize for that incident, and the names she called you. What are you going to do, play nice with a person that holds you in that much contempt? Pshaw. NTA.
zanne54
More like "be the bigger doormat." NTA, and it's unsurprising that Missy edited the story to make herself the victim. I'd publicly ask them if Missy goes to their homes and throws out their sentimental possessions because she disapproves of them.
suziq338
No, no, no. NTA. When Missy is mature enough to realize how out of line she was, and when she is able to own that behavior and apologize for it, you MIGHT consider relaxing your boundary. Until then, you are 100% in the right.
SnooWoofers496
NTA…don’t back down she’s rude and unreasonable. I hate when people touch other people’s possessions. They can have their party at the closest Olive Garden.
TongueTwistingTiger
They didn't seem to have a problem with your distance from her until they needed something from you. They can rent out the local community center of church basement. NTA. Stick to your guns. This woman sounds like a lunatic.