'AITA for refusing to help my wife's friend over a 'miscommunication'?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to help my wife and her friend anymore over what my wife calls a 'miscommunication'?"
Fake names. My wife, Emily, has a longtime friend, Leslie, who has recently become a single mother. Leslie does not have a working vehicle at the moment and is working two jobs so Emily took it upon herself to help Leslie out as much as she can.
Emily had started asking me to help as well in driving Leslie and her kids around, taking them to school/appointments, taking Leslie to the grocery store, etc, whenever Emily or someone else couldn't.
I agreed since it made my wife happy and I understand the kind of situation Leslie is in. Helping has turned into Emily inviting Leslie and her kids over often, or organizing trips that they would like, such as camping or fishing.
A few times my wife was unable to attend these get-togethers she organized due to work and insisted they still take place leaving me to entertain Leslie and her kids on my own. Since I've known of Leslie my entire relationship with my wife I didn't think too much about this. The times that it has been me left with her, or sent in Emily's stead to shuttle Leslie around, I've made normal small talk with her and her kids.
Recently, Leslie's kids were going to be away for a weekend so Emily wanted to have Leslie over for dinner and some movies. She asked me to text Leslie to ask her over and when I did, Leslie replied with "Just as friends right? I'm not interested in being anyone's girlfriend".
I thought that response was out of left field so I asked her why she'd even say that and her response was pretty much "No guy would be asking me and my kids how we're doing or helping me out unless he wanted something in return".
I told Leslie it wasn’t anything like that and then showed my wife the conversation and informed her I would be stepping back from helping her with anything involving Leslie and to leave me out of any future plans. I also offered to show her the rest of my phone and anything else.
Emily believed me, but she still talked to Leslie about it to see what had given her that impression and accordingly, she gave Emily the same answer. A few days later Leslie apologized to Emily and told her that her emotions and mind were just all over because of a down day.
That’s fine but I’m still not willing to help her or my wife out anymore as I had been because I don’t want any repeats or accusations hurled at me when I was helping as my wife asked. Emily thinks I’m overreacting and should just brush it off because it was just a ‘silly miscommunication’ she had on a bad day. AITA?
Additional info:
The text I sent Leslie about the night was "Emily wants to know if you'd like to come over for dinner and some movies on Saturday". That's why her response was so out of left field. I sent the text because Emily was busy on her phone and wanted to know asap so we could make our weekend plans.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Cringe friend. Could have gone a lot worse. Do not help her unless your wife is around.
Like if you thought your friends husband was acting "too friendly" why would you not tell the friend immediately? The wife could have cleared it up immediately with just "oh I asked him to do XYZ for you when I'm not available."
NTA I notice she didn't apologized to you. She accused you of trying to cheat on your wife, that is no small thing to overlook.
Yeah this is HUGE. Not only did she imply that you would cheat on your wife. She straight up said IN WRITING that you were courting her for more.
Edit from OP:
Thanks for all the comments and different perspectives. I'll talk to Emily tonight when we get home about the overhelping and what to do going forward. We are not swingers, Leslie knows my wife is completely monogamous, and while I will be bringing up concerns she's helping too much, this level of help between the two of them has been present for as long as I've known my wife.
Update from OP 3 days later:
Thank you all for your input, there's been some good and not-so-good outcomes to this issue. My wife and I had a long conversation after I made my original post. I brought up points from both my perspective and possible points from Leslie's perspective that commentators made to explain the situation and why it had me uneasy enough to step back.
I showed her the post and she eventually relented. Emily decided she would speak with Leslie again to see if her having to leave during a couple of outings or missing one had made Leslie uncomfortable despite Leslie agreeing ahead of time she was fine with Emily leaving/not showing up.
We also discussed the matter of overhelping. In that regard, Emily wanted to keep helping her as she had been because that level of help is normal for them but she would stop asking me to help when she couldn't.
Instead she said she would talk to Leslie about getting the kids' father to help out more now that her ex-fiance was gone. She wound up agreeing I should have received the apology, but since I'm just hands off now, I didn't see the point in pursuing it.
I'm happy to say I have not been volunteered to help or drive since our talk. She continued to help Leslie as she was able for a couple of weeks until things took a negative turn. There were a couple of times neither my wife or Leslie's other friends were able to give her a ride or help her, and she asked Emily where I was that I couldn't do it.
Emily said she told her it was best I didn't to avoid any future misunderstandings. After the fourth time Leslie asked my wife to have me drive her/pick stuff up for her when no one else could, Emily tells me that Leslie started in about how if what she said wasn't true then I wouldn't be avoiding her but I'm acting as if I got rejected.
According to Emily, Leslie started to draw parallels about how I went out of my way to do things for Emily right before we got together and started helping Leslie so that was all the proof Emily should need about me having ulterior motives and after that, she says Leslie devolved into telling Emily she'll wind up being left too.
We have minimized contact with Leslie and Emily told her she needs to do so until/unless Leslie seeks counseling for her break up and stops having a negative outlook on the relationships around her and then they can rebuild their friendship. That has been hard on Emily, so whenever I'm not working, I'm doing what I can to help her get through this. Thank you again for the fresh set of eyes.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Leslie shot herself in the foot so efficiently, it’s almost impressive.
I’d give my left arm for friends like Emily and OOP, and here’s Leslie, with no appreciation for them at all.
My husband and I were the same way, when our friend got divorced. Like in this case, it backfired because our friend became too dependent on us and she never bothered to attempt to get back on her feet. She also treated us like her own personal therapist. We’re no longer friends.
NTA, did she apologize to you in addition to Emily? That's what kinda sets it off. She can have an off day and feel like maybe everyone has an ulterior motive and get snappy, but like.... She needs to apologize to the person she hurt, ie you.
If you're worried she's going to like.... Make a move on you and she's done more than this comment that's different too.
Grand-Grape-9253 OP responded:
No she did not apologize to me. Only to Emily.
NTA. But only because Leslie didn't apologize. And I don't think you're in the wrong for not helping her anymore.
This is kind of a weird situation. Like if my friend asks me to go fishing with me and my kids, then sends her boyfriend/fiance/husband in her place, that's pretty weird. If it was just an errand that's one thing, but a whole ass fun trip is super weird. I would just cancel the plans at that point. Also, was this fishing and camping trip just you, Leslie and her kids, or were there others involved?
So I can actually kind of get Leslie's side, because this time, you directly texted her from your phone right?
Grand-Grape-9253 OP responded:
My wife made the camping trip. One of the fishing trips when my wife couldn't make it and we knew ahead of time, we discussed canceling, she discussed it with Leslie and they both decided to go ahead with it. The other time my wife organized us all going to do something together, she was with us for about an hour before she had to leave.
I did directly text her from my phone, which I've had to do before. My text read 'Emily wants to know if you'd like to come over for dinner and watch some movies on Saturday'. I don't know about 100% of the time, but I have heard my wife tell Leslie she'd be sending me in her stead on a number of occasions, so it's not as if Leslie didn't have heads up.