'AITA if I refuse to make cakes for my SIL's wedding after I wasn't invited to bachelorette?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I don’t make cakes for my SIL’s wedding?"

I was asked by my MIL awhile ago to make two cakes for my SIL’s wedding. From my understanding these will not be the main dessert or the actual wedding cake they cut for photos, just extra cakes for wedding guests with food allergies (I myself have a dairy allergy and my husband's god-daughter, who is the flower girl, has celiac). She asked me to make a gluten free cake and a dairy free cake.

I have a small baking business on the side and bake out of my home. I have made wedding cakes before. My MIL said she would pay me to make them and buy some ingredients but she has yet to pay me anything or buy anything to my knowledge. She also never sent me reference photos or inspo pics of how SIL wants the cakes to look, which I did request.

For added context, SIL and I are not close anymore. We used to get along well in the beginning of my relationship with my now husband (SIL's brother) but over time we have drifted apart. My husband and I are not big fans of her fiancé, we don't click and he is hard to talk to and that definitely has put a strain on our relationship with her but we try to just accept the fact that if she's happy, we can be happy for her.

The events over the last month have led me to not want to make the cakes for her wedding anymore but I am just wondering if it will make me the @$$hole if I don’t make them and back out so close to the wedding.

About 4 weeks ago was SIL's bachelorette party. She got an Airbnb for the whole weekend for her, the bridesmaids, & my MIL. I was not invited to stay at the Airbnb because "there weren't enough beds", but was invited to be a part of the Saturday plans and told I could get my own hotel if I wanted.

It was about 2 hours away from where I live so I decided I would just drive there and back and save the cost of a hotel. My MIL calls me the morning of and basically tries to convince me it isn't worth the drive saying I should just stay home and SIL would understand and would want me to be safe.

She was worried about me driving alone on unfamiliar roads late at night on the way back and didn't want me drinking then driving home (which I wouldn't have done btw). She was also concerned I would be driving my car which needs replacing (I was told I shouldn't drive it on the highway or long distances). I had also lost my driver's license the week before and didn't have a new one yet.

She genuinely seemed concerned for my well-being and had valid reasons to be worried. I thought she was just looking out for me. After getting off the phone with her though, it just didn't feel right not going. I feared if I didn't go it would hurt my relationship with my SIL even further so I tried to find solutions to MIL's concerns. I wanted to put in the effort and show up to support and celebrate my SIL.

I switched cars with my husband and messaged a friend of mine (that knows my SIL & fiancé) to see if she would drive me there so I wasn't driving without a license and we could split a hotel so I could stay out later and enjoy more of the party. I messaged my MIL shortly after confirming with my friend that she could take me and presented the solutions I found.

I also messaged my SIL asking if she would be okay with me bringing a friend, I explained her mother's worries and why I was asking someone to come with me but said I wanted to run it by her first before just bringing a plus one. (If it was an issue my friend could have stayed at the hotel). I never got a response from SIL.

If I waited any longer before leaving we would have missed more of the day, so I texted her again saying that I didn't hear from her but we were on our way and would meet up with her for the afternoon activities. In addition, I texted & called my MIL at least 4 or 5 times before leaving and while on our way there. I didn't get a response from either of them. I had my husband try calling his mom & sister as well.

We were in town for almost an hour and a half before finally getting a call from MIL's phone. It was one of the bridesmaids telling me the girls talked and they weren't really comfortable hanging out with someone they don't know....it was clear they did not want to meet up or tell me where they were and I was basically uninvited. We drove the 2 hours back home and I was trying not to cry the whole time.

I was very hurt by this from both my MIL & SIL. At the time, I thought my MIL was just being overly worried about me, but after the fact I was thinking did SIL not want me there? Was she trying to get MIL to convince me not to go? I felt foolish and naive.

I wasn't sure why I was even invited if that was the case and why if she changed her mind and didn't want me there that she couldn't have told me herself before I drove 2 hours there.

I told my husband everything. He was embarrassed his family did that and was upset by what happened. He messaged his mom and said how upset and disappointed he was that I was treated that way and mentioned how hurt I was by everything. She never responded to his message. She didn't reach out to me either. I also never heard from SIL.

Flash forward to last weekend (weekend before the wedding), I find out there's another bach party in town planned for SIL & her fiancé for family only this time. My husband was invited and told specifically not to bring anyone else that wasn't personally invited by the bride or groom. Well I never got a message or invite to the party so I assume that meant I wasn't invited.

I tell my husband that he doesn't have to stay home for my sake and that it's his sister and he should go if he wants to. He was getting calls from his cousin and sister asking where he was. I was still hurt but didn't want to keep him from his family. I was also worried I'd somehow get blamed for him not going. So I told him to go and that I'd be okay even though I was very hurt by being excluded again.

Well he goes and when he gets back he tells me that his ex girlfriend was there. I was a mess after that. Knowing that an ex girlfriend of my husband was invited to my SIL's second bach party meant for "family" and I wasn't. I didn't even know SIL and husband's ex were friends. This was a whole new level of pain and confusion. It seemed intentionally spiteful and deliberately hurtful.

All of this is so sudden and out of the blue. I am shocked and am at a loss for words. I truly don't understand what I could have done to cause his family to turn on me and be so hurtful and not care about my feelings. My relationship with my SIL has been a little strained lately but it was something I was hoping we could work on and fix. It is hard for me to imagine coming back from this though.

And up until now, I thought I had a pretty great relationship with my MIL. I sent a message to her over the weekend about how hurt I am by her and her family and as I'm writing this, she still hasn't responded. I would feel bad backing out on the cake order so close to the wedding but I barely even want to go to the wedding anymore let alone bake and decorate two different cakes for it.

I'm worried if I don't do the cakes they will hold it against me and make me look like the bad guy. I don't want to damage the relationships even further but I'm struggling with so many emotions with this. Its a battle of self-respect and also guilt of backing out and leaving them hanging right before the big day. So, would I be the @$$hole if I don't make cakes for my sister-in-law's wedding?

What do you think? WIBTA? This is what top commenters had to say:

emr830 said:

Your MIL basically uninvited you from the bachelorette during the first phone call, but wasn’t brave enough to just tell you that, apparently. Neither was the bride. They also excluded you from the second one because his ex was there. I’d bet they were trying to get your husband and her to rekindle the flame or wherever 🙄.

I can’t help but wonder if the SIL’s fiancé/husband is in on all of this, or completely in the dark. If it’s the latter, maybe he should be made aware that his wife is pushing her brother to cheat on his wife with his ex. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone that would not only be okay with cheating, they would actually encourage it. Shows what kind of (poor) character she has.

Imaginary-Glove1329 said:

Okay, I hope you can practice some self love and not only NOT make cakes but NOT GO to the wedding!! Are you kidding me? Several times they have purposely excluded you from functions, one you took a 4 hour round trip because SIL can't be an adult and have an adult conversation.

Please drop the rope. You deserve way more than an apology, you deserve time to reflect and heal from their abusive tendencies. That is absolutely emotional abuse. They have showed you who they are and have shown you who they think is family and you're not it. Don't forget that.

And sdbinnl said:

Good grief girl what are you a doormat ?!!!!! The disrespect is obvious and you squirming around trying to fit in is embarrassing. You are worth so much more.

Do not make the cakes and do not attend the wedding. If Mil snd Sil say anything tell them that you have no time for toxic people and want nothing to do with them. Respect goes two ways. Right now both of them are treating you like dirt snd you are fawning all over it like a beggar trying to make them like you.

One day later, she shared this update:

So when I posted the original thread, I had a lot of people telling me not to make the cakes. I'm sorry to say I probably disappointed a lot of the OG responders. I didn't end up making the cakes, I did however make a dozen cupcakes. I found it to be a compromise I was comfortable with. I was very conflicted but ultimately would have felt too guilty not making anything for the wedding.

Mostly because I was providing dessert options for those with food allergies and having a food allergy myself I know how hard it is to go to big events and not be able to eat anything. Being a baker, it is especially disheartening to see everyone else enjoy a dessert and not be able to have a safe treat to enjoy as well. I wanted to be sure my husband's god-daughter had a gluten free dessert.

So I decided to make 12 vegan, nut free, gluten free cupcakes to accommodate all/most allergens and dietary restrictions. I asked my MIL if she still wanted me to make them and she said yes. I said I would need payment upfront and she would need to provide the vegan butter and gluten free flour (I severely undercharge for my baking so I felt like it was a fair ask).

She had my husband's other parent or MIL #2 (husband has two moms, this will be relevant later) drop off the ingredients and payment on Wednesday evening before the wedding. Keep in mind the wedding was Friday.

So with my full-time job schedule, I only had Thursday night to make the cupcakes and missed the rehearsal dinner. Not that we were planning on making it anyways to be honest (SIL and her now husband didn't go to our rehearsal dinner because he "didn't like anything on the menu") so we were already leaning towards not going to that.

Flash forward to the wedding, I told my husband that I wanted to go, at least to the ceremony because it was his family after all and I wanted to go for his sake. I told him going into it that I was only there to support him and that I was not intending to discuss any of the conflict or tension or prior events and didn't want to bring any drama to his sister's wedding day. I truly did not want to take away from her day.

After the ceremony, I go into the reception hall to find the dessert table and drop off the cupcakes. Lo and behold, there were THREE DOZEN other cupcakes purchased from a gluten free specialty bakery on the table and no room for my cupcakes to go. I started shaking.

I tossed the box of cupcakes on top of the table and went to go find my husband. I found him staring at the seating chart. He said "Did you see who we were seated with?" I took a look at the chart and was shocked but yet not surprised to see we were sat at the farthest table in the back and not with any member of his family...except his donor dad.

Now a little backstory/context, as I mentioned before, my husband (& SIL) have two moms. My husband & SIL have two different "donor dads" so SIL has no relation (blood or otherwise) with my husband's donor dad. My husband has never had the intent or interest to meet his donor dad, despite pressure from his moms.

His "DD" (donor dad) was an acquaintance of his parents so they did know him and would send him cards and pictures other the years but my husband never wanted to meet him. He never felt the need to because he already had two parents. MIL did pressure us to invite DD to our wedding the previous year, I left the decision up to my husband and he chose not to.

So back to the wedding...I was fuming. As if I wasn't already shaking enough. It's one thing to hurt me but to mess with my husband!? Hell no. I could not believe his own family would do this to him! No one should be blindsided like that and forced into meeting their DD when they've specifically expressed that they do not care to.

And IF husband wanted to meet his DD, it should be on his terms. It should not be sprung on him at his sister's wedding! And we're sat at the same table with him and not with any of his actual family?? But wait, it gets better! Guess who is sat at the family table? Yup, you guessed it! The ex-girlfriend!!! I seriously can not make this stuff up. I was floored and absolutely jaw dropped at their audacity.

I didn't care about the bachelorette parties or the damn cupcakes anymore, my main focus was my husband. He was shaking too and clearly distressed and getting very anxious, nearing an attack. I asked him what he wanted to do and reminded him that I was only there for him and will stick by him no matter what he decides to do. I asked if he wanted to leave and go home.

I asked if he wanted to go get dinner somewhere else and we can come back for the rest of the reception later. He said he just needed a drink, so we left the cocktail hour and went to the hotel lobby bar (same building as wedding/reception). A friend of ours was working and we immediately vented to her and told her what was going on.

After we had a drink (or two) to calm down, I again asked my husband what he wanted to do. He wanted me to go in and check if his DD was there or not and if he was he wanted me to see if someone would switch seats with us.

So I went in and scouted out the area, I didn't see him (I know what he looks like only from pictures on Facebook). We went in and sat down at the assigned table full of strangers right before the dinner was about to start. Then thankfully a couple that my husband knew asked us if we wanted to join them at their table since there were open seats.

We gladly joined them so at least we were by someone we knew. That's when we saw that they had special cups that said something along the lines of "My name is ______ my drinks are on the bride & groom" and we were like oh that's interesting (this couple was an older couple that used to babysit my husband & SIL, so not family but family friends).

We looked around and saw that all the bridal party and family members had those cups and they were personalized. We of course were never given, told, or offered ones. But guess who did have one?? Yup, right again! The ex-girlfriend!!! Just another slight against me/us. And to be clear, we were not expecting free drinks or to be on the bride & groom's tab or anything.

But the fact that we were not only excluded but basically cast-away from the family table, hidden in the back, almost ambushed with an awkward AF dinner, telling me they still wanted me to make the cupcakes when they already had ordered them from another bakery in town, and everything else...we were just at a loss for words.

We tried to make the best of it and just enjoy the night despite it all. We danced with his god-daughter, got really drunk (thanks to the lovely and supportive bartenders at the lobby bar), and I made sure MIL saw me give one of MY cupcakes to the god-daughter.

I took the rest of the cupcakes and gave them to the lobby bartenders since they treated us more like family. MIL did try and come up to me and talk during the reception.

She asked if I thought things would ever be okay between us again and if we could get back to the way things were before but I held true to my word and told her that this was not the time or place to talk things out, that this is SIL's day and I did not want to take away from that and make it about me, but that she made it very clear to me where I stand and that she does not consider me family and left it at that.

After the wedding, we basically went low to no contact with them. MIL #2 tried to facilitate a family meeting with everyone but that has yet to happen. It's been 7 months and we still have not talked. Zero contact from SIL.

MIL has tried reaching out several times but has never truly apologized or owned up for anything. Just that she's sorry for the rift between us and that she was hurt too and basically victimizing herself. So that about sums it up, hopefully the update was worth the wait.