'AITA for refusing to attend Thanksgiving dinner because my wife keeps siding with her parents?'
"AITA for refusing to attend Thanksgiving dinner because my wife keeps siding with her parents?"
My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and while I love her deeply, there's an issue that's causing a lot of strain in our relationship. Her parents are very involved in our lives, and they tend to voice their opinions on everything—from how we spend our money to how we should be raising our kids (we have two).
I’m not close with my own family, so I always hoped my in-laws would feel like family to me. Instead, it feels like they criticize every decision I make, and my wife doesn’t defend me. Whenever they make a comment about my job or our parenting choices, she just sits there or, worse, agrees with them.
Last week, her dad made a dig about my job, saying something like, “If you worked harder, maybe you could afford a better home for the kids.” My wife just laughed it off, and I felt humiliated. I later told her how much that hurt, but she brushed it off, saying, “That’s just how they are.”
I told her I don’t want to attend Thanksgiving at their place if I’m going to be treated this way, but she says I’m overreacting and making things difficult for her. Am I in the wrong for wanting to skip Thanksgiving if it means avoiding more of their disrespect, especially when my wife won’t back me up?
Conversation with OP in the comments:
Dude, if you don't stand your ground now, later will be too late. Let's face it, there are expectations from you, and unless you are respected even if you provide everything later, it can be called as "not man enough".
Tasty_Research1056 OP's response:
Thanks, I think you're right—it's about setting boundaries now before things get worse. I need to make sure I’m respected in my own family.
Ask you fil to keep his fucking nose out of your business. The fact that you let him get away with derogatory comments makes you look weak. Stop trying to hide behind your wife and confront him....telling him to fuck off should cover it. If he doesn't like it to fucking bad, would you really care if your relationship with the in laws ends?
Exactly, OP don't need to deal with this toxic bulls%^t.
Tasty_Research1056 OP's response:
Yeah, I'm getting tired of this constant disrespect
100% NTA.If my father in law insulted me and my job to my face in front of my wife and she laughed about it, I’d say there are several assholes here and none of them is you. At best, he’s an insensitive jerk. At worst, he’s a grade-A a^%$ole. What kind of man behaves that way? She’s behaving really badly for not defending you in front of him.
Not going to Thanksgiving? Hell, I would not only never go to their house again, I would forbid them from entering mine. And you need to consider if your wife really has your best interests at heart.
Tasty_Research1056 OP's response:
That’s exactly how I feel! It’s one thing to be criticized, but it’s worse when my wife doesn’t back me up. I really need to figure out where her loyalty lies.
Your wife is the number 1 problem here. If she’s not in your side, who is?
This is HER family, she should be dealing with them on this - instead she’s dismissing you.
Tasty_Research1056 OP's response:
Exactly, it hurts that she won’t stand up for me.
Tasty_Research1056 OP added:
I just feel stuck between wanting to keep peace with my wife’s family and standing up for myself. It’s hard because I love my wife, but I don’t want to keep feeling disrespected in my own relationship.
EclecticVictuals replied to OP's comment:
Stop being stuck, you have to change for the situation to change. You are trying to put yourself into a position that can’t be had, you would need to be a contortionist to bridge between your wife’s. Keep the peace mentality, and your need to establish boundaries.
Sit her down and tell her “I would like to have an important conversation with you, and I’d like you to listen very clearly to me and take what I am saying seriously.“
“There are certain boundaries that cannot be crossed, and if we don’t figure out as a couple how to manage them, it’s going to permanently damage our own relationship. I have always wanted to be part of your family and be close to your parents, and I am willing to allow them a certain degree of latitude.”
“But if you think I will continue to allow them in my life, go to their house, or allow them in my children’s lives when they treat me with such disrespect, you are sorely mistaken. I know this is going to be difficult for you to believe because you’re so used to brushing it off, but when you laughed along with your father, it made me realize he has no respect for me and neither do you.”
“I cannot be married to somebody who doesn’t respect me or support me. I would like to continue to be married to you so you have a decision to make because I am done contorting myself to try to make this work without your support.”
“So first of all, do you agree that I am a loser with a bad job? I think we should have marital counseling so we can discuss what our expectations are in our relationship and how better to support each other. If you’d like me to get a different job or if you’re disappointed in me as a man and husband, I’m happy to talk to you about those things.”
“However, I will not allow your parents comments to continue. And I will not accept that you go along with it. If you agree with it as stated, we can talk through it. Privately. But if you’re just trying to make your life easier because “that’s how they are,” and my expense, then I have news for you: “this is how I am””
“The next time your father says something out of line I’m going to tell him that it is unacceptable, and then you’re going to take his side and we’re going to have a real problem on our hands. I need you to think this through."
"I am not going to their house, if that makes it hard for you then join the club because I’m done accommodating them and I’m done accommodating your acceptance of this continual intrusion of all of these thoughts and opinions into our lives.”
Now, if you really think you’re on the same page with her with most of their opinions, perhaps you can accept all, but the ones about you. Or you can agree on some mild pushback like “I don’t necessarily agree with that,” or “thank you for expressing your opinion, I’m sure we will figure it out.” if not, that’s another conversation with your wife and in therapy.
But in terms of the insults, you can make clear to your wife that you intend to push back “don’t talk to me like that, it’s not helpful. It’s just insulting“ and expect your wife to support you “dad please don’t talk about my husband that way.” Or whatever.
Get Couples therapy probably should have had premarital counseling to work on communication and discuss the issues that are most contentious during a marriage: Kids, sex, money, religion, etc. 13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
Emotional Invalidation: A Form of Emotional Abuse
Building a boundary is sometimes like putting up a picket fence — you install it, slat by slat. And sometimes, building a boundary is like lowering a garage door: You say what you are going to do, and then you do it. And then you keep doing it — calmly — until the person catches on.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 10 Examples + PDF Worksheets
Gottman has great resources:
10 Questions Happy Couples Are Constantly Asking One Another
Dr. Gottman’s 3 Skills (and 1 Rule!) for Intimate Conversation
3 Betrayals That Ruin Relationships (That Aren’t Infidelity)
How to Avoid the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern in Your Relationship
You love your wife, yet she's not showing love for you by standing up for or with you. You need to really see what's happening here.
Tasty_Research1056 OP's response:
I know… I’m really starting to see that.
If you don’t say something now it’s only going to get WORSE ! She’s waiting to your children are old enough, to understand what the grandparents are saying because you know they WILL put YOU down in front of the kids!
YOU SERIOUSLY NEED to tell them to their faces you’re not attending any function with them because of how they’re always disrespecting you AND you’re forbidding YOUR children from attending as well!
Tasty_Research1056 OP's response:
You’re right, I don’t want this negativity to rub off on my kids.
FoxySlyOldStoatyFoxI know people who train dogs by squirting them with a water pi$$ol every time they misbehave. Perhaps inform your wife you will be employing the same strategy. “I will be filling the water pistol with pi$$,” can be a surprise.
Tasty_Research1056 OP responded:
Haha, that made me laugh! If only things were that simple…