'AITA for refusing to get rid of the evidence of my ex's infidelity?' UPDATED TODAY
"AITA for refusing to get rid of the evidence of my ex's infidelity?"
Throwaway Account...I (52m) used to be married to my ex "Candi" (52f) and I loved her very much. We met in our teens when she moved into the neighborhood right before high school and I instantly had a crush on her but didn't actually make a move until our senior year. We got married shortly after she graduate college and had three children together "Laura" (26f), "Tom" (23m), and "Marie" (21f).
Our marriage wasn't perfect but I thought Candi was happy with the family and life we created. However, I was wrong. Candi was bored with me and wanted more excitement, but instead of confessing her feelings and thoughts to me she went looking elsewhere.
According to her, it all started when Candi and her friends went on a Girl's Trip to Vegas for a weekend where she got drunk and had some fun with two male strippers. Candi said that while nothing happened beyond second based it awakened something in her and she regretted not going further.
A year after that she started going to bars and clubs for excitement and eventually started hooking up with other men and at least two of her girlfriends would cover for her. I was never the wiser and probably would still be married to Candi if one of her lovers hadn't secretly documented their moments together. He was mad that she had another guy on the side and mailed the evidence to me as revenge.
I was sick at seeing all the things that I did and didn't respond well. I filed for divorce and my lawyer used some of the evidence that I was given in court but not all of it because it wasn't necessary. I still have all the evidence that I was given and just kept it in the attic. Recently my youngest made some not so great choices with an ex boyfriend and I ended up having to get a lawyer for her.
I am amazed at how much the laws have changed but and I'm glad my daughter is protected. After it was over I had a serious sit down with her and told her to be more mindful and that she should always be prepared for this to hang over her head even if the law is on her side because some guys just don't care.
This was a long and deep conversation and I admitted to Marie about how I found out her mom cheated and let it slip that I still had the evidence. Two days later Candi was banging at my door demanding that I give her everything I had and yelled at me for keeping it.
I reminded her that those things were given to me and it was made before the law prohibited it so as long as I don't upload and share it anywhere, or sell it to anyone, I'm legally in the clear.
Candi went crying to our adult children, Marie is fully on her side which is expected but Tom and Laura are a little different. When asked why, I told my children that I keep it as a reminder of why I should never care about their mother.
Tom feels that since I've never done anything with it before and so long as I don't, that it's okay, while Laura says that she prefers I trash it she won't cut me off like Marie threatened so I'm asking AITA?
Edits: The amount of people here who keep asking me the same question as if I didn't already answer in the post is annoying. You can keep asking me "why do I still have it" but just know that going further I will ignore it. You not liking the answer or not understanding it isn't my problem.
I'd also like to thank the people who rightfully pointed it out that I should hang on to it for legal purposes since it is technically evidence was a good idea and I have since explained it to my oldest two who will pass it along to my ex wife and my youngest.
Also, please stop insulting my youngest daughter or saying that she's just like her mom and deserved what she went through. My ex was recorded doing something she shouldn't with someone she should not have, that was her choice and what came out from it is on her.
Marie never sent anything to her ex, he recorded her when she was with him without her knowing and only told her when she tried to break up with him as a way to keep her in the relationship. Marie is understandably very sensitive to this issue so I'm giving her space and I don't believe that she'd actually cut me off.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
just say you disposed of it, put it on the other corner of the attic
No. Keep it. Let her knowledge of knowing you have it, play on her guilt and conscience. Doesn't matter if you use it or not. Why should the evidence of her deceit be wiped out for her comfort? So you can all pretend it never happened? Keep that shit. NTA
I can't get over how he helped his daughter Marie out so much. Even hiring a lawyer for her to fight for her against an ex who wronged her, only to turn around and attack her father like this. Sounds like a ungrateful little brat.
"Never underestimate the power of a scorned lover with a mailbox and a grudge. Sorry Candi, your actions have consequences and those consequences may include your ex-husband keeping some souvenirs."
YTA. You're not keeping it to remind yourself of anything. You're keeping it in case you need to bust it out for revenge or some kind of power play.
Bottom line, you should get rid of it so you're not a creep, especially to your children. You don't need it. If hurting your ex is more important than a healthy relationship with your children, then go right ahead and keep it. It's just weird at this point though.
Nice theory, except there's just one problem. I would get in legal trouble if I shared it now and I'm not willing to give my ex that kind of an opening.
Not to mention that could've released it years ago anytime I wanted so clearly posting it everywhere isn't my goal. I know I don't need it, there are a lot of things I don't need to have or keep but do anyway and I've already explained why I'm holding on to it.
So you think if you didn't hold on to it you might be tempted to get back with your ex?
About 3 months later (today) OP came back with this update:
I wasn't sure if I was going to do this but since someone messaged me I thought I'd share. Don't know if I'll give another update after this one though. Long story short, my ex got arrested and my ex is facing charges. For details please continue reading.
Context: I had a security to which my children know the security code to, but for unimportant reasons I there was a switch in the company and when I upgraded I was given a new code and security pad to put it in. Also, at the advice of the people installing the new I moved it to another spot.
I told my oldest two kids what the new code was in-person, as I don't like texting that type of stuff in fear of phone hacking and since my youngest daughter wasn't talking to me and didn't want to hear from me, she didn't know about the change in codes.
Now on the what happened. I left town for a trip I'd scheduled a while back that my youngest daughter was aware of. This trip was going to be about 7 days long so my neighbors knew to keep their eyes pealed for anything suspicious. Two days into my trip I get an alert that my house was being broken into.
The company calls and I tell them that I did NOT enter my home and wasn't expecting anyone. My neighbors also called the authorities. I could tell by the security cam that it was my ex-wife and she had someone else there but I didn't recognize them.
The authorities had detained my ex who insisted that it was all a simple "misunderstanding" and I told them over the phone that it wasn't and I wanted to press charges and then laughed when the call was over. I laughed a lot.
Hard and to the point where I was in tears and struggling to breathe. There was something about my trashy ex getting punished by the law that felt so liberating to me, but my joy took a pause when I started getting calls from my youngest.
Turns out she gave the (old) security code to her mom with the intent to search my home for the tapes while I was gone and get them. My ex went on a different day than what was planned (don't know why) and that's how everything happened.
My daughter asked me not to press charges but I went forward with it. My daughter was angry with me and we got into an argument where she blamed me for still having the tapes and telling her that I had the tapes.
We haven't really spoken since but my other daughter convinced me to go to therapy and after a couple of sessions I discovered that one of the reasons why I held on to the tapes was because I never felt as if my ex was punished enough for what she did.
She never apologized, never showed remorse, made excuses, and that has always pissed me off and it's also why I'm refusing to drop the charges. I'm still processing what all this means but that's how it is right now.
Here's what people had to say about OP's update:
NTA. RUIN HER!
She broke into his home, and his AH daughter was complicit. That’s not a ‘misunderstanding’, it’s a crime! keep the charges on.
YTA - So you’re going to keep s&* tapes of your ex and another man? Aiding in revenge porn? Nice example there for your children. It sucks when someone who does you wrong doesn’t get punished enough, but at your big age, you have to realize that you are setting an example for your children and it’s the wrong one. This is the wrong road.
Your youngest is an a%$&ole. I understand what happened to her was wrong, but you didn’t do the same actions towards your ex. She is class-a bi#%h. Sorry but not sorry for saying that about your youngest.