'AITA if I refuse to pay for my daughter's college tuition after she cut me off?' UPDATED
"WIBTA if I didn’t pay for my daughters college tuition?"
I (44m) am divorced and have been for over ten years now. My ex wife and I have two children, one son Ben 19, and one daughter Lauren 17. My ex wife and I split custody 50/50 and I paid child support on time every month as well as ensured our children had everything that they needed for sports and other activities.
At a young age I started a college fund/early life starter fund for the kids which they were aware of and has grown to be a large amount through the years. Over the years I have always had my children on my time and tried to be present in their lives. Ben has always been happy to come to my home, have family time, tell me about his life.. have a father/son role pretty much.
Lauren on the other hand is the total opposite. She pulled away at a young age and when she was old enough to decide for herself she cut me out pretty much 100%. I spent years reaching out to her and trying to build some type of bridge with her but nothing ever worked. She went to a few different therapists and I can only hope it helped it in some other aspects of her life, but it certainly didn’t help in a family role.
Other the past few years my son has become angry with his sister and calls her ridiculous. I’ve told him to not mind that and it’s not her fault, but him leaving for college changed me on the whole thing. When he left it felt like I lost my only child, and I gave up trying to have a relationship with Lauren.
She never reached back out and neither did I. It felt terrible at first, but it’s much easier to deal with mentally for me. A few weeks ago Lauren and her mother reached out to talk about her college tuition and where she had decided to go. They asked me if I wanted to go walk the school with them again, and I declined. I told them that I felt I was only being invited because my check book was needed.
I informed my ex and Lauren that I would not be paying for college or any other of her expenses after her 18th birthday (June), and that I was going to use the money elsewhere.
My ex blew up at me, my daughter didn’t say anything, and when they told my son he called to tell me he thought I was right and Lauren was to blame. I wasn’t a fan they told him to begin with however now there’s a rift between the three of them. Should I just let this whole thing go and pay for her education? WIBTA if I stuck to my decision?
What do you think? WIBTA? This is what top commenters had to say:
bishkebab said:
YTA. You've already paid for your son's college, thus setting the reasonable expectation that you would be contributing. If your contribution is conditional, that should be communicated before it's revoked. You've had YEARS to discuss this with your ex and daughter, but instead you waited until they were actively looking at schools to tell them that you had withdrawn support.
I'm also very confused about how your daughter "withdrew" and 'cut you off" if you had 50/50 custody of your children. There's something going on with that relationship that doesn't make sense.
Vast_Lecture said:
NTA: I do not understand the consensus that parents should accept their children's hurtful behavior especially when they are old enough to know that their actions hurt. I also don't get why someone who goes no contact is entitled to someone the fund their lifestyle after no longer being a minor. Parents are human beings. They aren't infallible individuals with no feelings.
Lauren is being incredibly selfish and extremely entitled to think she should be funded for college by a person she has chosen to ex a relationship with. OP is not a walking bank. You spent time reaching out and she has blocked it every term. At some point, this adult (because college students are adults) has to recognize there are consequences to your actions.
I think Ben is completely right. Your ex-wife shouldn't be blowing up at you. She should have spent those previous years helping her daughter to therapy to understand this intense dislike.
alunamuna asked:
INFO: Why did she cut you off? You leave a very important detail out.
OP responded:
When my ex and I divorced my ex kept our house which was close to her friends and family. I moved to the other side of town. Maybe 25 minutes away. She pulled away after I moved out and has told me that she wants to spend time with her friends and grandparents.
jacquilynne said:
YTA. It is your job to keep your relationship with your children open, not theirs. She is a hurting child - your child - and you feel free to just walk away because she didn't make it easy for you to love her. Congratulations, you have just demonstrated that you have less emotional maturity than your teenage child of divorce.
And Professional-Rich236 said:
YTA. If she was under the impression you were going to pay for school you didn’t leave her enough time to make other arrangements. She’s your child. Even if you decide to pay for her education good luck having a relationship with her in the future. This is a tough one to come back from.
AvgJim said:
INFO - what does your divorce agreement say about college expenses? If you're in the US, and it sounds like you are, I find it hard to believe that this topic would not have been covered.
OP responded:
I have already spoken to a lawyer and I’m in the clear. Ex forfeited somethings for the marital home during the divorce. She owns college expenses.
UPDATE:
I want to thank everyone for their time and comments. A lot of you have ensured me this is the correct course while others have disagreed and been pretty rude. This is the best course and I’ll simply retire early and help my son with his first home.
I don’t expect to have a relationship with my daughter ever again, and that’s something I need to make peace with. I won’t serve as her ATM when she’s in need though, and with child support ending soon it will no longer be my concern. Therapy hadn’t helped her much in the last several years so I doubt she’ll miss that much any way.