'AITA for refusing to continue providing free childcare for my stepdaughter?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to continue providing free childcare for my stepdaughter?"
I did a work program with the local clerk of court's office when I was in high school. They hired me when I graduated, and I had my 30 service years before I turned 50. With 30 service years you can get your full pension at any age.
I worked until my first grandchild was born, then I retired to be 'grandma daycare.' I have 5 grands 8 male from my stepson, 7 male from my son, 5 female and 18 month male from my daughter. I babysat all of them with no issues or complaints. I still keep the 18 month old Monday-Friday and the older ones Summer and school holidays.
My stepdaughter and her boyfriend has been non-stop drama since before the baby was born. When she was 10 weeks pregnant they presented a 3 page list of rules for when I was babysitting.
They said if I didn't sign it, they wouldn't allow me to babysit. I said that I understood their need to do what was best for their baby and I assured them that there would be no hurt feelings on my end when they made other childcare arrangements.
Some of the rules were almost understandable but most were down right ridiculous, and none of it was going to work for me. I don't remember them all but some examples are: I can't take the baby anywhere without their permission; I can't watch more than 1 additional child while babysitting;
I can't cook; I had to provide the full name, dob and address of any potential visitors ahead of time for their approval of the person being 'around' their child; they have to know anytime I have a guest over and know who it is and how long they stay; My 9 year old cat would have to be kept out of rooms where the baby would be, even when the baby wasn't there; I couldn't get another pet without their agreement.
When she was 7 months along they came back with revised rules in an attempt to compromise. I again let them know that their expectations were not going to fit with my life and they should just find other childcare.
Two days after my stepdaughter went back to work, she called and asked if I could keep Cullen the next day. I agreed but made it clear that I was going to provide safe, appropriate care according to my judgement and I wasn't going to deal with complaints or whatever that I was violating their rules because I wanted it very clear that I was not agreeing to any of that.
My stepdaughter was okay on the days she picked Cullen up and dropped him off. I felt like she was interrogating me every time she picked him up but it was tolerable but her boyfriend was downright rude. I got to the point where I actually spent Sunday dreading the start of the week because of dealing with both of them but especially his behavior.
At minimum he'd pick up Cullen, make a big deal of partially undress him, make at least one snide comment about my cat or if I had any grandchild over besides the 18 month old or if I had cooked or whatever. Then he'd say, I guess we don't have any choice but to put up with this for now. Or I guess you are happy that you won.
This went on for 4 months. I spoke to my stepdaughter several times about it and told her that obviously they are very unhappy with how I cared for Cullen and that they should really work on finding something else and that in the meantime he needed to be less vocal about it. It would get better for a day or two and then he'd start again.
It all came to a head as Thanksgiving was approaching. He was very verbal about the fact that he didn't want me to keep all my grandchildren over the break. I made it very clear that there would be a couple of days that I had all of them and that they needed to make other arrangements if they had a problem.
They didn’t make other arrangements and when he picked Cullen up on the first day that I had all my grands, he was very rude and although nothing happened, everyone was happy, clean, fed, had a great day he said (to Cullen) that he was sorry that they had no choice except to leave him in an unsafe situation to be neglected.
I called my stepdaughter that night, relayed to her what was said and told her that she had two weeks to make other arrangements and that she needed to drop off and pick up Cullen during those two weeks and if her boyfriend came to drop him off I would refuse to keep him and if he picked him up I would not keep him again.
So things were better only dealing with her. At some point she asked me if I would keep him until January because they found someone but he couldn't start until then. I agreed. She picked Cullen up and dropped him off everything was fine.
New Year's Day several people sent me a screenshot of a post her boyfriend made on social media about how thankful he was that they were finally able to leave Cullen without worrying about his safety or him being neglected. He didn't outright name me or accuse me of anything specific but anyone who knows us, knows I was keeping him and the post implied plenty.
I was just happy that it was over. Friday she called me and said that their new childcare provider had told her that Cullen wasn't a good fit and that she couldn't bring him back Monday. She asked if I would start keeping him again. I told her that I was sorry for their situation but I really don't feel comfortable keeping him.
My husband and stepson both think I should watch Cullen under the agreement that Amanda drop him off and pick him up because they think her boyfriend is the big problem and that I should just do it for Cullen's sake. My stepson also commented that I'd probably be more willing to let it go if it had been a conflict with my daughter's husband.
My pension is about $4,000/month plus continuation of my health insurance. That's about 40% of our take home income if that matters. AITA for refusing to start watching Cullen again?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Baby daddy has a real problem. That’s very controlling behavior there. He also may have a distorted view of you if your stepdaughter has complained about her evil stepmother before the baby. Until she needed you that is
Giving 20 to 1 it's the father who isn't a "good fit" for the new childcare. Bet he went on a dictatorial bender once he was paying and thought that meant he could demand anything he wanted.
For a first time grandparent, but OP has been watching her grandbabies for 8 years now. So hopefully one of the other kids already made sure she’s up to date on modern safe sleep and feeding practices (I know the timing of introducing foods has changed and some grandparents are obsessed with giving rice cereal to like 1 month olds).
I’m really not that old or stubborn. I understand that some people are, but that’s really not the case here. No one needed to tell me that babies should sleep on their backs, eat solids at 6+ months when they can support themselves sitting up and eat with a spoon. I’ve honestly never in my life put baby cereal in a bottle.
My 5 year old granddaughter is still rear facing in my car because she’s under 50 pounds. I’m the oldest of 5 children, so I’ve had a constant stream of nieces and nephews and have just stayed updated on current recommendations that way. I really do provide good, safe care to my grands. Their safety and wellbeing is important to me.
Trust me I didn’t doubt you. I was just pointing out to the other commenter that by now you are a seasoned grandparent who has probably already got any new essential safety guidelines since you were raising your own children down pat. With 3 separate children trusting you with their babies you’ve gotta be reasonable lol.
The next day OP came back with this update:
First let me just address the common suggestion that Amanda's boyfriend is purposely sabotaging their childcare to trap her at home. They make roughly the same amount of money and definitely can't afford to lose half their income. I seriously doubt he wants her to stay home.
Second, I would never tell my stepson to find someone else to watch his child because of a simple difference of opinion. My grandson and I have a very close bond. He's the oldest and it would break my heart and his if he didn't come spend his holidays and summers with me.
Plus he's a huge help with the little ones when I have them all and things get hectic. I would never be so petty as to make him (and all my other grandchildren) suffer because of an adult disagreement.
So I sort of asked around about why they were dropped by their new sitter so quickly. Apparently they weren't. Amanda picked Cullen up and dropped him off both days he went and everything was lovely. He did cry a quite a bit, but they expected that to get better as he adjusted to not being held as much.
My husband and stepson talked to Amanda and she said that they realized that they can't afford daycare. They already made the 'easy' changes (packing a lunch, giving up fancy coffee, etc) and his dad and her mom are both giving them about $100/month towards childcare and they can barely afford it, but they didn't realize that you have to send everything the baby needs.
I buy diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, extra clothes etc. They just hand me the baby. They didn't realize that daycare didn't cover all that.
Also, imagine her boyfriend's surprise when he found out what the staffing rates are in this very expensive daycare. 1 adult cares for 5 infants. I guess he thought that someone would provide one-on-one care, diapers, wipes and formula for $350/week.
My stepson relayed their almost apology. They felt overwhelmed by an infant and couldn't imagine that someone else could manage that plus other things.
Cullen is going back to daycare tomorrow. Cullen's dad is selling his dirt bike and Amanda is selling some designer clothes, handbags and shoes to cover the cost. It'll get easier for them in 6 months when he transfers to the 1 year old class, which is a little cheaper.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
I love how Amanda’s boyfriend was shocked to find out that daycare isn’t a magical babysitting fairyland. Newsflash: diapers don’t grow on trees, buddy
Wonder if he is EVER going to apologize for being an absolute idiot. What a moron.
No, he'll likely get Amanda pregnant again inside a year because he literally cannot connect cause and effect and neither can Amanda.
Amazing how there is zero drama when you show your appreciation for people who do you favors. You know, instead of slandering them on social media. 😂