Family tension rises after man refuses to seek religious FIL’s permission for sister’s sleepover. AITA?
"AITA I refused to call to ask for permission from FIL after already getting the ok from my MIL?"
anotherthrowaway1847
I (24M) and my wife (23F) wanted to have her sister (10F) over for a sleep over since she's been asking to stay over a for while now. A bit of background is that may be important. FIL is a very conservative Christian and her family lives in a small town about an hour away from where we live.
We asked MIL a couple of weeks ago if she could stay over, and there was no issue. My wife went alone to pick up her sister, but first she wanted to do some other things in the town.
On her way there, my wife gets a message from her mom asking if we asked her dad because he's upset we didn't ask him directly. My wife then calls me asking what to do and we come to the conclusion that we shouldn't pick up her sister.
My logic was that clearly he was not ok with it otherwise he would raise no objections when his wife told him. It kinda felt like he wanted us to call him so either he could tell us no, or so he would feel in charge.
We have played that dance before and didn't want to do it again. We felt bad because at the end of the day the person who was really hurt was the sister, but we wanted to stand our ground.
So we call MIL in the evening and she says she is coming into town the next day (Sunday) and might be able to get permission from her husband to take the sister, her husband was "thinking about it" (We still haven't called FIL and don't plan on it).
It was inconvenient for us since we cleared our Saturday for the sleep over assuming we could get chores done on Sunday. So at 10 in the morning (2 hours before they would arrive) MIL texted me that the sister was coming.
It felt last minute to me and almost like we couldn't say no without being the bad guys. So anyway sister gets dropped off and we spend the day with her. I asked MIL about the problems yesterday and she basically said that her husband didn't us to watch any movies (he's talking about showing her kids movies like Disney or whatever) with the sister.
So obviously I asked why he didn't text us or something and I didn't get an answer. Then I asked how long in advance did she tell her husband that we were taking the sister and she said a few days in advance so I asked her why the problem only came as my wife was driving to pick up her sister. Again no real answer.
AITA? I feel like the path of least resistance would have been having my wife or me calling, but we didn't want to cave in to the weird demand. I do feel like I was petty by not calling but I wanted to stand my ground.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Big_Zucchini_9800
NTA. Your FIL loves drama and wanted to be begged. Sounds like you need to keep grey rocking him so he knows he wont get any fun reactions from you. And also talk to your wife about her childhood, this behavior has probably been going on a long time and affected her at a young age.
LaLionneEcossaise
He’s on a power trip. He’s the absolute master of the house—and his family—and he expects to be treated as such. He’s most likely a petty little man who feels small and is manipulating everyone around him to feel bigger. Or, you know, typical fundie xtian stuff.
fortunatecommander8
You’re not the AH for wanting to avoid a power play. It seems like you were just trying to respect everyone’s boundaries and keep things straightforward.
-cheeks
NTA why are MIL and FIL not on the same page. It is up to both parents to agree before making a commitment to someone else, it’s not your fault they don’t communicate.
HowlPen
NTA. If you are sure this is a power play, fully agree with you not wanting to get involved in his weird power trips. (If it’s just him wanting his daughter to call him sometimes and not always call the wife, that’s different.
Some dads like getting phone calls too.) From what you wrote, this should be settled between him and his wife. If he’s not okay with her giving permission, that’s on him. You and your wife can back out and refuse to play.
Which_Stress_6431
NTA! It sounds like FIL pictures himself as the "head of the household" and all decisions are to be finalized by him. Sounds like his ego was injured when you and your wife did not ask his permission after MIL gave hers.
Tarik861
NTA, but you need to nip this power play in the bud. First, your wife needs to deal with her dad (assuming this is her dad and not step-dad). You are mature adults who, at least from this post, have done nothing to indicate that you exhibit poor judgment. You can certainly host a 10 year old overnight.
If MIL is such a milk-toast that she can't do anything without the hubby's permission, she is providing an incredibly poor example for her daughter and any other children. Ask your wife about her experiences growing up.
Winter_Owl6097
Coming from a home like this... You'll never win. Don't even try. Keep talking to little sister so if she ever decides to escape she has you. This is a very skewed version of the Bible that he believes and you'll never change him. And the fact that his wife has to ask permission... Shows it all. NTA.