'AITA for refusing to attend therapy with my family?'
"AITA for refusing to attend therapy with my family?"
When I (17m) was 8 my dad found out he had a 10 year old daughter. There was no cheating. My dad started dating my mom after he broke up with half sister's mom. She moved back home and didn't tell my dad she was pregnant. My parents met and had me pretty quickly afterward.
Dad's ex only told him about their kid because she was asking questions and wanted to know dad. My dad did a DNA test and then he met her and he spent some time with her and then he introduced me and my mom and then she started coming to our house.
My half sister was so jealous of me. She hated me. She hated that dad had raised me and she was new. She treated me like shit and said over and over how she didn't want a brother. It was all weird to me too and I hadn't exactly wanted a sibling either but didn't get a say in it anymore than she did.
I'm aware I had the benefit of knowing dad and not going through what she did. But to be honest I was tired of dealing with her and liked when she went back home. I'd have been happy to never see her again.
Three years ago she decided she wasn't going to come to our house anymore because she didn't want a relationship with me and my mom. My dad was upset by her choice but carried on a relationship with her outside our home.
She's 19 now and her and dad have talked and he told her they couldn't have the relationship she wanted if she never wants to be around me and mom, because he won't abandon us every holiday to be with her and he won't exclude us from his birthdays or other milestones and achievements.
She considered it for a while and now she wants to try and make things work but doesn't know how. My parents talked about it and dad asked her about family therapy and she agreed. My parents talked to me about it and I said no.
Dad looked crushed by my answer and how quick and firm I was. He told me this could be the chance for us to have a relationship and he was all like "don't you want to have a good relationship with your sister?"
My mom asked how I felt and I told them I felt like she wasn't a real sister and I didn't love her like siblings do. I said she came into my life when I was 8 and wanted nothing to do with me. I said I never bonded with her or grew to like her. I said I wouldn't ignore her if she did start showing up but I couldn't imagine us being close like siblings who grow up together or come from the same family.
I said she was a kid and had a lot to work through. But that didn't mean I had cared about her all this time. I told dad she's his kid too and I don't want to stop him from having a relationship with her and I won't treat her like shit if she's around. But I said she's basically a stranger who bullied me before.
My dad said he understood but I could see he was upset about it and I heard my parents talking after and he said he was so sad it had all ended up this way. But that he didn't blame me. I know I could try for him which makes me wonder if I'm TA. I just really don't want to work on things with this girl. Does that make me an a&^%ole?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA – It’s totally fair for you to not want to go to therapy for a relationship you don’t feel invested in. Your feelings are valid, especially given how she treated you when you were younger. It sounds like you’re willing to be civil if she comes around, and honestly, that’s more than some people would offer in your shoes.
I think you're doing enough promising to be civil with her. Plenty of siblings grow up together and don't have that bond their parents with they had.
Her treatment of you as a youngster obviously had a mark on you, and it's okay to not have a sibling bond with her. Relationships, particularly family ones, cannot be imposed only because someone else wants them to be there.
Nta if your dad gave a s^&% about you two having a relationship he shouldn't have let her treat you like shit. Now he just wants to play happy family that he never had to put effort into.
Ok_Quantity8828 OP:
My dad did care about it even back then. But he was still new to her too and he was juggling a lot. He wasn't doing everything perfectly but he did try.
NTA - If you don't think it would improve things, there's no point going. I would suggest you be open to a re-start when you're both adults in your 20s and can meet independent of your parents adult-to-adult.
Ok_Quantity8828 OP:
It's not that I don't think it could work. But I don't really care to make it work. I think being civil when we're around each other but no relationship otherwise is way more realistic.
What would be the disadvantage for you to attend family therapy? If you don't like it you can quit it. No therapist is going to magically force you to build a relationship with anyone, feelings and bonds cannot be forced.
So I don't know what you think may happen there that would affect you. I think the worst thing that could happen is that the therapist is a bad match.
Ok_Quantity8828 OP:
I don't really want to be around her that much. Being civil when I have to be works better to me than spending an hour every week with her.
I'm not passing judgment on this complicated situation but just so you know, one possible outcome of therapy is that you and your half sister learn to be civil without being close. It isn't fair to expect your father to exclude your sister just like it wasn't fair for her to refuse to see your Dad without ever seeing you.
Ok_Quantity8828 OP:
I'm not asking him to exclude her. I said I would be civil when I need to be around her. That's something I can already do though and I don't need therapy for it.
So it sounds like you both treated each other poorly when you were younger because you neither wanted a sibling. Your dad is trying to find a way you can somewhat get along and be a family.
I think you are a bit of an ah for not attending the therapy. It is important to your dad to have a relationship with both his children, he is hoping you two will just learn to tolerate each other so he doesn't always feel like he is forced to choose one of you. The real a hole here is your dad's ex, if she wouldn't have hid the child from your father for 10 years so much of this could have been avoided.
Ok_Quantity8828 OP:
I never treated her poorly. I just didn't know how to react and she was hostile so I tried to keep my distance.