'AITA for not gifting someone a wedding cake when I wasn't invited to the wedding?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not gifting someone a wedding cake when I wasn't invited to the wedding?"
I would appreciate any advice or suggestions on how to approach this situation. I’ll change the names of those involved.
I have a group of friends, though not all of them are truly close to me. Most of them are more friends by association, but we all go out together and have a good time. I do consider Mady and Jessy to be real friends. For Mady’s birthday, I got her a cake. Jessy had a small civil wedding, and Mady offered to bring wine for the celebration at her place, while I offered to bring a cake.
There’s a girl in the group named Carly, and my relationship with her is neither friendly nor unfriendly. She’s always shown some apathy towards me, and I know she doesn’t really like me. I don’t dislike her, but I get the sense we wouldn’t be friends since we have different perspectives.
During the celebration, Carly commented that she liked the cake, and Jessy mentioned that I had brought it. Carly said it was good but that it tasted “a bit dry.” Everyone exchanged looks and changed the subject, but Carly kept talking about the cake. I didn’t say anything about it.
Carly had been planning her wedding before Jessy got married. She used to invite Mady, Jessy, and other girls to discuss prices and ask for opinions on things, but she never asked me for my help or advice. I had assumed I wasn’t going to be invited. Everyone else got an invitation, and I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t receive one.
Jessy wanted to talk to Carly about it, but I asked her not to, as I didn’t want a pity invitation and understood that Carly wouldn’t invite me because we’re not “friends.” Jessy told me she wouldn’t attend if it would make me feel bad, but I told her not to worry about it.
Then, Carly messaged me on WhatsApp to ask about cake designs and filling options. I thought she already had that figured out since her wedding was coming up and she’d been planning it for a while. I sent her the catalog, and she commented on a few options she liked.
She asked if I did the setup, to which I replied yes, and sent her some example photos. She only reacted to the photos with a thumbs-up, and we didn’t talk any further. She didn’t ask for a quote or schedule a consultation, so I assumed she wasn’t interested in my service. This was over a month ago.
Today, we went out to eat, and everyone was talking about the wedding. Her fiancé asked who I’d be bringing (I’m single), so I told him I wouldn’t be attending. He asked why, and to keep the mood light and avoid drama, I mentioned I’d be traveling to visit my parents.
He understood, but Carly asked me when I was leaving. I told her I’d be leaving on Wednesday, and she said, “The wedding’s on Saturday; how are you going to set up the cake and desserts?” I asked which cake she was referring to, and she replied, “The one you’re bringing to my wedding.”
I told her we didn’t have anything scheduled, and she insisted she had our messages. I clarified that I had only given her options and setup photos, and since she didn’t follow up, I assumed she wasn’t interested. Her fiancé asked if anything could be done about it. I explained that the bakery requires a contract and a deposit.
Mady asked if Carly had paid a deposit or requested a contract. Carly replied, asking why she would need to, since it was my wedding gift to her and that I should make sure she had her cake for Saturday.
I explained that I don’t handle the bakery’s schedule and that, with the wedding so close, they wouldn’t accept a new order. Carly seemed upset and looked very uncomfortable. I asked for my bill, paid, and said goodbye, saying I needed to go.
I really don’t want to lose my friendship with the group since I’m not from this city and I’ve felt comfortable with them. I don’t want this to create tension, but I also don’t know how to handle conflicts. I know it’s a bit sad that I can’t stand up for myself and would rather avoid confrontation.
Mady told me that after I left, Carly said it wasn’t fair for me to back out after agreeing, and some people in the group hinted that maybe I didn’t want to go to the wedding because I didn’t want to give her the cake. Jessy said I wasn’t invited, and Carly replied that she had invited me.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
It's not okay for her to expect a gift, especially a big cake, from someone she didn't even invite to her wedding. You were right to tell her you hadn't agreed to make the cake. It makes sense that you wouldn't want to give something so big to someone who doesn't seem to like you very much.
Impressive-Series117 OP responded:
And especially for me to give her that gift when we don’t even have a relationship.
Message all your friends and Carly (in a group chat) and clearly state that she didn't invite you. And for future interactions, there is nothing wrong to say that you haven't been invited when you haven't been invited.
Maybe also mention that you would never assume Carly wanted a cake from your bakery because she was clear she felt the cake at the birthday party was substandard. Since pretty much everyone heard her make repeated comments.
This is why you always tell the truth. Why are you not attending? I wasn't invited. Simple and correct.
When Carly said : you were invited Ask : when?
NTA. Carly is awful. I don't know how much I would want to be friends with people who would be supportive of the way she's treating you. It's a good thing that Jessy has your back, but Carly seems to be set on causing major issues for you within the group.
Impressive-Series117 OP responded:
I don’t even know why she doesn’t like me.
I do. She probably doesn’t like you because you are no nonsense and don’t go out of your way to please her. She tried to devalue your cake to make it worth less so it would not be a big gift. Even if you were close friends, she should have offered to pay normal price. You are NTA.
It sounds like Carly is trying to control the narrative do it might be best to explain things to your group—including copies of your correspondence. Otherwise you might lose a few friends who are listening to Carly. Maybe even let her fiancé know.
Impressive-Series117 OP responded:
Yes, they are really more friends. I’ve been dealing with them for 2 years, and they are high school friends.
The next day OP came back with this update:
To those who asked why I didn’t stand up for myself and let things get so out of hand, as I mentioned before, I don’t like confronting people. I get nervous, feel like I can’t breathe; when I had presentations in school, I used to throw up before and after each one.
Sometimes, I’ve even kept items I didn’t order or didn’t want just because I was too embarrassed to exchange them. I’ve been in therapy, and thanks to that, I’m now able to work as a cashier in a bakery; I don’t think I could have done that before. I’ve come a long way, but I still get nervous speaking in public.
I have a younger sister, and she used to go everywhere with me. I’d give her the money, and she would pay because just talking to the cashier would leave me breathless. I know people often feel sorry for those who seem weak, and I don’t want to be seen that way or treated condescendingly.
Someone sent me a private message asking our ages: • I’m 21 • Mady is 30 • Carly is 30 • Anna is 31 • Carly’s fiancé is 31 • Jessy is 30
I hope that helps clarify a bit more. Now, here’s what happened next:
Someone suggested what I could say to Carly, and I sent it to her. She replied saying she thought I wouldn’t mind and that I owed her a gift anyway, and she’d chosen the cake as her gift.
I replied that only guests are responsible for giving gifts. She asked what I meant, and I clarified that she hadn’t invited me to the wedding. She left me on read.
I messaged her fiancé something like: “I don’t want to cause drama or any misunderstandings, but I didn’t commit to giving her the wedding cake.” I sent him screenshots of our conversation, and he called me right away.
He apologized and said he thought it was odd when Carly told him I had offered to give her the cake. I mentioned it seemed even stranger to me since I wasn’t even invited. He asked if I was serious, and I told him yes, but that I wasn’t upset and understood if it was something private. He apologized again, and we ended the call.
Around noon, Carly messaged me saying I was making a fuss over nothing, as if I couldn’t just “give her the damn cake.” She didn’t understand why I was being so sensitive, saying I’d given Mady a cake and Jessy one as well, and asked me to explain why I couldn’t do the same for her.
I replied that Mady’s cake was a birthday cake and, although Jessy’s was for her wedding, it wasn’t a wedding cake.
Carly answered that it didn’t matter what the cake was for. I told her if that was the case, she could buy one from the supermarket. She started typing, but I blocked her before the message came through.
Then, Carly sent a message to the group with only the part where I told her to buy it at the supermarket, saying it was insulting and showed how little I valued her wedding, so no one could say she was the bad one.
I responded to the group with a suggestion someone gave me in a comment, which I adapted a bit: “Hey everyone. I want to clear up some confusion and rumors. I won’t be attending the wedding because I didn’t receive an invitation. I understood and made other plans for that time since the rest of you were invited."
"I’m not hurt or upset; it is what it is. The confusion about the cake is as baffling to me as it is to you. I only provided information on models and fillings from the place where I work, and that’s all. I don’t understand why it’s expected that I cover a cake for a wedding I’m not invited to. It’s true I suggested the supermarket, as she said the purpose of the cake didn’t matter."
"I hope this clears everything up. I wish you all a wonderful time celebrating Carly and her fiancé. Congratulations in advance to the happy couple, and I hope those not involved don’t feel caught in the middle.”
I posted screenshots where she reacted with a thumbs-up when I sent the samples, along with all the conversations from that day and today. After a while, someone commented that the group wasn’t meant for this kind of drama and that we should resolve it privately. Mady jumped in and said, “Carly demanded the cake in public, so it’s only fair that everything is explained publicly.”
Another girl, let’s call her Anna, commented that’s not the way to ask for a gift.
Carly saw everything and sent a voice note saying she didn’t know a simple cake would ruin my finances but that it was fine and that I shouldn’t have shared everything in the chat. Then, she sent a second message saying that when I get married and don’t have “friends” who can help me out with things from their jobs, I’ll understand what it’s like to be without support.
A guy replied tagging her, “You didn’t invite her?”
Carly responded saying she had sent the invitation.
Another guy asked, “Do you have the confirmation?”
There was no reply.
“???”
Carly: “No, but she should have told me when she saw she didn’t get the invite.”
Jessy replied that she didn’t like Carly’s attitude, that she even considered not going and would only attend for the fiancé’s sake.
Carly then said, “So no one says I didn’t invite you, everyone can see here I’m inviting you now. I’ll send an electronic invite since there’s no point in printing one now.”
I replied not to bother, as I already had plans.
Carly replied, “There you all see.”
Then, someone who hadn’t spoken left the group.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Is Carly seriously 30 years old?! She’s pathetic. You did nothing wrong. I would just distance yourself from Carly and focus on the other friendships (if you wish to keep them). But also branch out and make other friendships
Carly is definitely a piece of s$#^
I'd just cut out any "friends" who side with her. You're also way more mature than people 10 years older than you. They're basically trying to shame a woman 10 years younger than them who is acting 10 years older than them. You're a star.
Question- since you blocked her, how were you still receiving her text messages in the group?
Impressive-Series117 OP respdonded:
I panicked and unblocked her again; I knew she wouldn’t stay quiet, and that’s when she posted in the group. Then she messaged me privately again. I haven’t replied to her privately anymore.
Did she ask you for the cake again?
Impressive-Series117 OP responded:
No, she sent me several chicken emojis 🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓 something like that.
Here's hoping the fiance has a good long think and bails.
Impressive-Series117 OP responded:
I don’t think he’ll leave her; they’ve been dating since college, and he’s very much in love.
But the weird part is that Carly never actually asked for the cake. She never got back to OP with: I'd like a 3 tier cake that will serve 60 people. Honey vanilla cake with apricot filling and buttercream icing decorated with roses and lace. Or whatever her cake order was.
So am I expected to believe that Carly would have been fine with whatever cake OP brought? No way. Carly would have expected OP to magically make exactly the cake Carly wanted the same way Carly magically expected OP to know that she was supposed to give Carly a cake.
OP's not a telepath. But Carly never said anything yet she expected OP to bring the cake. If the subject hadn't been casually brought up, Carly would have gone into her wedding reception to an empty dessert table with no wedding cake. And when she looked for OP to castigate, she wouldn't be there because she was never invited. And when Carly texted OP, she would have found out that OP was out of town.
I get that Carly's entitled and a jerk. But I don't even know what word to put to never actually having asked for the cake. Because "stupid" doesn't cover it.
Impressive-Series117 OP responded:
I was thinking about all the types of fillings she mentioned; some of them can’t even be used together in the same cake. Also, cakes are priced by the pound or by the number of guests, but I don’t know how many guests she will have.
How was I supposed to assemble a cake without knowing what type of supports I would use? I don’t know what kind of decoration she already has, and the supports, cylinders, tables, and trays are priced separately. If she had made a contract, I wouldn’t be the only person she had talked to. I don’t understand how she could take so many things for granted.
The wedding is on Saturday, and I found out about it on Sunday. If I hadn’t gone out with them, how was I supposed to find out about it? If I had agreed on Sunday, I wouldn’t have been able to have it ready for that day.
Please update after the wedding Saturday if you hear anything how it goes
9 days later OP came back with this second update:
Hey everyone, Before I get into what happened, I just want to thank you all for your kindness and great advice.
I’ll try to explain everything in order this time. I tend to be really brief when I talk, which can confuse people, but I don’t mind clarifying things. You’re all great! It’s just something about how I talk my sister always has to ask me stuff like, “Did this happen before or after?” or “What happened next?”
Just to clear things up:
When Carly tried Jessy’s cake, she had already sent out the invitations.
That was on Monday. The group chat went quiet after that, and the groom muted it since he’s the only admin.
On Tuesday, the groom came by the bakery to ask how I was doing. He apologized for Carly, saying he felt bad about the way she treated me. Then, he gave me an invitation (it wasn’t like the originals it was just a plain white envelope with a printed letter inside). I know you guys like the details! He asked me to come to the wedding, but I told him I already had plans and wouldn’t feel comfortable going.
He asked why I didn’t say anything when I didn’t get an invitation. I told him honestly that I was embarrassed to be the only one left out, but I understood. He said he didn’t know and that when Mady brought it up, Carly claimed she had sent it but would “check.”
He kept asking me to come, saying it would mean a lot to him. I said no. (I’m learning to say “no,” and honestly, it feels great!) He asked me to think about it, left the invitation, and left.
Later that night, he added the guy who had left the chat before (the best man) back into the group. Then he sent a message saying something like: “The issue has been resolved; it was just a misunderstanding.
We hope OP will join Carly and me on our big day. It would be so sad, and we’d really miss her if she doesn’t come. OP, please come celebrate with us!”
Anna sent me a private message asking, “Did the groom really bring you an invitation?” I told her yes, and she said, “Send me a picture of it.” When I sent it, she replied, “What an idiot.”
She added, “Don’t go if you don’t want to. Don’t let him ease his guilt. He’s no better than Carly.” I thanked her, and we wished each other goodnight.
The groom reactivated the chat, and Carly replied to his message with two crying emojis: “🥹🥹 yes, OP?”
Then the best man left the group again without saying anything.
I left the group too and turned off my phone.
When I got to my parents’ house, I turned my phone back on and saw a ton of messages. I didn’t know what Carly had said, but I assume it was about me because Anna sent me angry messages like, “That was way too much.” The groom had sent, “She’s already here, calm down.” Carly had sent a bunch of messages in the group asking why I wasn’t responding.
Mady replied to one of Carly’s messages (which I couldn’t see) saying, “Why do you want her to respond if that’s how you feel?” Apparently, Carly had said something like, “That idiot never has an opinion on anything, and now she’s trying to act all interesting.”
Jessy replied in the group saying, “She’s not getting the messages; she’s not seeing this.”
I had a lot of private messages from Jessy, but I opened the group chat first.
There were more messages, but honestly, I wasn’t feeling well.
I turned off my phone again.
On Saturday, the wedding happened, and I saw the photos on Facebook.
Jessy and Mady had messaged me privately, but I didn’t know what to say.
Mady ended up coming to see me at work. She asked if I was upset that she went to the wedding. I told her I wasn’t. She mentioned I hadn’t replied to her messages, and I said I was just stressed.
She also told me she asked Carly’s mom about the whole cake thing. Carly’s mom said she didn’t get it either because Carly had wanted another girl to buy her cake a week before the wedding. Mady told her that Carly had originally chosen a dummy cake, and the guest cake was pre-ordered as individual servings. Carly’s mom said she’d talk to her but figured it was just a misunderstanding.
Mady also mentioned the best man told her he’s cutting ties with the groom because of the resort issue and everything else that happened.
She said Carly was in a bad mood at the wedding, and the groom got drunk, so they left early. But otherwise, the wedding was nice.
The original bridesmaids didn’t end up being in the wedding it was different girls.
Mady also said neither the best man nor Anna attended.
After the second update here's what people had to say:
Good lord. Sounds like a huge dramatic mess. One you’re being dragged into, over and over again. I hope your stress has reduced some, I understand why you have it! Sounds to me like you’ve been mature and minimal -meaning, not fueling it all. Good for you. I hope it can all be put to rest now. (Be stay alert at end the bride and groom!) I’d love to get an Updateme, when something’s worth updating about.
There is more to this you haven't been told. It sounds like her lying about the cake is the last straw in a mountain of straw. The best man backed out, and the bridesmaids backed out. I don't believe this is about cake.
It kills me that this group is a solid decade older than you and they are acting like they are in their teens. I´d keep my distance, who needs all these drama in your life? Quality over quantity when it comes to friends.
Sooooo, erm, do you know the guy formally known as the best man at all? Just wondering if he was just pissed off at their shitty behaviour in general, or specifically towards you because he likes you? Would also give another clue as to why Carly doesn't like you - she's jealous the BM fancies you.
I don’t think so. He was upset earlier about an overcharge on a reservation he made for the boyfriend and Carly.
Mmm, not usually something a best man wouldnt attend for unless the argument really escalated (possible seeing what Carly is like), it was a hell of an overcharge, or not that close a friend after all. Just an interesting little side plot to the main story.