'AITA for refusing to babysit my BF's daughter while her mom gets chemotherapy?' UPDATED

"WIBTA for refusing to babysit my BF's daughter while her mother gets chemotherapy?"

Sorry for my English, I hope the whole thing is going to be somewhat understandable. I'm also very angry atm, so forgive any mistakes. My BF (male, mid-thirties) has a daughter G (10) with his ex-wife, T. The ex-wife is fighting a very aggressive form of brain cancer.

Now, a bit of back-story. T and I never did get on well. I met my BF while he was in the proceedings of their divorce, and I think she's always thought we had an affair long before then. She hates me a lot, and so does G. I've been called a home-wrecker, a &lut and other not nice things ever since I first met them.

Now, my BF is usually very quick to shut down their bullsh!t, but he adores his daughter and still cares about ex-wife (they've been together 15 years, and been friends since their childhood). Ever since the diagnosis, he's been the one driving ex-wife to medical appointments and such, and he's asked me the favor to look after his daughter while he's with T.

He knows what a huge favour it is (he's thanked me profusely every time) and I know how much he needs my help. Everything went to sh!t a few hrs ago, when I was asked to bring G back to her mother's house. T started saying I must be glad she's dying, because I can keep BF to myself now. She said I must be happy, because now I get to keep her daughter and pretend she's mine.

She said a lot of ugly things, and BF didn't do anything to correct her. I stayed really quiet, because to be frank I was incredibly shocked. Still am, tbh. When we got home I lost it with him and told him I wouldn't keep his daughter any longer, not if he allowed T to talk to me in such a manner.

He said I'd be a huge a@@hole if I went through with this because T has just found she's only got few weeks left and not the months she'd previously thought. Is he right? WIBTA if I stopped babysitting his daughter?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

IamIrene said:

Oh boy. You're in a difficult situation for sure. Do you love this man? You know that with this man comes his child, right? And how you behave now will determine how this child responds to you in the future...presuming you want a future with your bf after this.

You are not obligated to sit and take abuse, no matter where it is coming from. Do understand though, this likely isn't the real her, she's literally grappling with life and death (not to mention a likely mind/mood-altering brain tumor that could have been there for years) and the amount of pain she must be in emotionally knowing she won't be there for her daughter must be driving her crazy.

Ever seen the movie "Stepmom"? This is your choice though - you don't have to take it. YWNBTA to step away altogether. Just don't expect to stay in that relationship if you refuse to watch his daughter - this feels like a deal-breaker for you both.

ResoluteMuse said:

There are no AH’s here. This is so far above AITA’s pay grade. A dying mother lashing out at the most convenient target. And brain cancer? This is 100% affecting her ability to filter and regulate what she says. A partner watching the mother of his child, someone he once loved, die.

He’s with you and doesn’t want to make this harder on anyone. A child caught in the middle of all of this. And you, with your very valid feelings of being unfairly treated. You need to find a grief therapist NOW, one that you can talk to, one that BF and daughter can go to. This is going to be a very rough ride. NAH.

[deleted] said:

Nta. But I don't see your relationship surviving much longer. I would nope out of that toxic mess. Boyfriend is numb and has no boundaries. Stepkid is using you as an emotional tampon. The ex, if she passes, you will be fighting a ghost with an angry preteen. Save yourself OP. Healing wishes to all .

And KJoD83 said:

NAH it sucks that you are helping and then get this from T. But, people with brain tumors are literally not in their right mind during episodes like this. Sad situation all around, please continue to support boyfriend and his daughter.

Edit from OP:

So, thanks. I've read all your comments and thought about all the points you made. I will continue to look after the kid (TBH, I think I never had any actual intentions of stopping. In my anger, I just wanted my BF to listen to me for a moment) and I think I need to have a chat with my BF. I haven't seen him yet since the fight, because he's had to go back at his ex's shortly after.

We'll see. Maybe I'll do an update once things settle down. Thank you, again. I appreciate your help. Thanks for taking the time to share your opinions, folks. I am very surprised and grateful and appreciate everyone's insight. I'm a bit more level headed at the moment, so I'll take the time to expand on some points I've seen brought up in the comments.

No, my BF and I did NOT have an affair. I can't believe I have to say this. Their divorce was almost finalized when we met, and the reason they divorced was that they'd been growing more and more distant, to the point where Ex-Wife had an extramarital affair and BF didn't even care. I trust him, because he's shown me again and again the truthfulness of his words.

His daughter was always going to be a part of my life, I knew that since the very beginning. My BF and his daughter have always been very, very close. We sat down a while ago, after Ex's diagnosis, and talked it out. There are no doubt his daughter was always coming to live with us, after her mother's death.

And one thing- I love my boyfriend, and so I care deeply about the people he loves, too, which include his daughter. I care for the kid a lot, and have tried and was always going to keep trying to build a relationship with her. It's the daughter who wants nothing -and i repeat, NOTHING- to do with me.

I am under no delusions about what our future will be like. The kid has always been my BF's priority (rightfully so) and I know she's going to need her dad a lot after her mother passes. I also know my BF is going to be grieving heavily, and was ready to support him fully.

My BF was able to just stand there and watch as his ex-wife spouted so much anger and sheer hatred at me that I was struck dumb. I have never seen anything like it. And he just stood there, watching me in tears as this woman kept yelling and yelling. He didn't do a thing, not even guide me out of the room.

It felt much like a betrayal, to be honest, and the fact that he was not even a bit understanding afterwards has made me reconsider pretty much everything. I am sorry, but I cannot excuse completely ex-wife for her past behaviour.

BF says she's always been very headstrong and jealous, and he never found anything weird with her. Her behaviour started changing around six months ago, and we all started noticing then.

Months later, she shared this sad but hopeful update:

Idk whether someone even remembers my original post, but I received lots of great advice in the comments and I figured I owed you guys an update. Lots has happened in the meanwhile, so I'll try to keep it short.

First. I sat my BF down for a chat as soon as I saw him again (which was the day following our discussion). He agreed that we needed to talk, and told me he was sorry for calling me an a$$hole, that that he had been so much in shock that he hardly even remembered the whole fight in the first place.

I told him I could understand that, and told him I love him and wanted to be there for him and support him throughout this ordeal. I also added, though, that I would need him to be able to stick up for me in the future, even to his daughter, who would be grieving and in pain. I told him to think about it, and said that I would keep his daughter for as long as he needed me to independently from his answer.

He asked me to marry him on the spot (no ring or anything, but he was crying and it was very sweet), so now we're engaged and relatively happy. Second. T passed away a week later. I followed your suggestion, and didn't see her again. G is living full time with us now, and I have what I think are if not good, hopeful news.

Ten days after her mother's death, she broke down in hysterics because she wanted her mom. It was an incredibly sad moment. She kept yelling insults at me and crying and again yelling at me.

I was in tears, because seeing a child in that much pain is heart wrenching. So I intervened before my Fiancee could say anything, told G that I couldn't bear to see her so distressed and that I would go stay with a friend until she felt a bit better. That I loved her, and just wanted her to be less sad.

She ran to me, hugged me and begged me not to leave her. We cried together, and I think we might be on the road to healing. That is to say, thank you all for your feedback. You're awesome.