'AITA for refusing to go to my brother's wedding since he didn't send me an invitation?' UPDATED 2X

"AITAH for refusing to go to my brother's wedding because he didn't want to invite me in the first place?"

So for context, I (21f) have an older brother (25m) who is getting married later this year. We used to be somewhat close when we were growing up but drifted apart after he met his now fiancee (24f).

From the start his gf and I didn't really get along but have always kept it civil for the sake of him and my family so there are no bad feelings between us, or so i thought. My grandmother called me up about 4 weeks ago to ask if I wanted to go dress shopping with her for the wedding and i was so confused because I didn't even know my brother was engaged.

I thought nothing of it and assumed they didn't mention it because I don't live with my parents anymore, but did find it somewhat strange that no one posted anything about the proposal until I found his gf's private instagram account on my bf's phone because she blocked me.

About a week ago my mom called me and told me that the invitations were sent out that day and asked if I got mine, because my brother's gf was supposed to give them to my bf since they work at the same company, I said no and she was very irritated.

She called me back after talking to my brother and told me that she's inviting us to the wedding and i don't need an invitation so I said that I am not going to the wedding without an invite and that if they didn't want me at the wedding I don't want to be there.

Now my family is saying i'm the Ah for not excepting the invitation (my mother inviting me over the phone) and saying that I want to ruin her wedding day. So AITAH?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

lostinhh said:

Nope, I sure as hell wouldn't go either in that case. Your mother has every reason to be upset, but with your brother and his wife - not with you. Your mother can't claim you didn't accept the invitation because there was none and it's not on her to invite you. You weren't invited and attending the wedding would just put you in a really uncomfortable and awkward position.

It would be another matter if, at the very least, your brother had called you to apologize and personally asked you to attend. But he didn't. Maybe he still will, but it's a little too late for that imo.

Cautious_Ad_5116 said:

Mom is beefing up with the wrong person 🤷.

Chaoticgood790 said:

NTA but please ask your parents why you didn’t even know your brother was engaged and what the justification is for that. Ask your mom how she would feel if she found out about the engagement from another family member

Frankly even if I got an invite by this point I would decline

PhiladelphiaSw33tie said:

NTA. They did not want you there. They can keep that same energy.

winterworld561 said:

They say you're an AH for not accepting the invitation? What invitation? You didn't get one. I certainly wouldn't go to a wedding I wasn't invited to.

NoAbbreviations8901 said:

NTA do not go. Mother has a right to be upset but she doesn’t have the right to extend an invitation to you. They clearly don’t want you there so don’t push it.

Most commenters agreed: NTA.

Later that day, OP shared this update:

Thank you for everyone's comments. I only posted the story today but i already have the update because it just happened a few hours ago. My parents and my brother showed up at my house, luckily my bf was home too. Oh and i'm soooooo not going to the wedding. This is what happened.

My brothers fiancée does indeed not want me at the wedding, my parents AND brother are trying to convince her to invite me. (No thanks) not after everything. They came to our house to tell me i should apologize to my brothers gf. I was totally fine with it I only wanted to know what it was I was apologizing for. (Which is where i might be the AH).

They told me that they couldn't tell me what it was but that it happened 2 years ago when "fsil" and I used to work together at the same company. I tried to find out what it was but they wouldn't tell me. My bf got a bit upset about everything and told them that if they can't even tell me what i did wrong he sees no reason for me to apologize.

My brother then let us know that he doesn't care if we don't attend but my grand- parents told him if he doesn't invite me they're also not going and that's the only reason they want me there.

So i decided that i'm not going to the wedding, me and my bf are going on a trip for the weekend, not to be petty or anything we're just going to enjoy ourselves. I really appreciate everyone's positive comments.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Maybe your parents will tell them what this horrible crime is you are allegedly guilty of committing. Personally, my curiosity would be having me plotting to find out what on earth it could be. It’s likely absolutely nothing, and completely stupid, but I would want to know. Did you happen to get promoted or get a position that she felt she deserved?

OP responded: Not at all but I am absolutely figuring out what it is just for my own peace of mind, but i am not going to do anything further apart from telling my grandparents what happened i think

OP (response to a second comment): I honestly don't. We worked together for maybe 8 months before i got an internship at another company which was more in the field i'm going for.

OP (when asked "was it an internship she wanted): Not at all. I'm in graphic design now and she's an accountant assistant or something like that😅

Commenter: When did you start dating your BF? Could she be mad you got together with him? Since you mentioned having been a coworker with her and he is currently it makes me wonder if she had a crush on him or feels like you stole her friend or something.

OP: I don't know but it would be a little weird if that's the case because she started dating my brother 5 years before she met my bf.

Commenter: If you first started dating your BF around 2 years ago I'd be almost certain it has something related to him that she is mad about.It would be more likely in my opinion if she had met your BF after she started dating your brother. She may have had a crush but loves your brother so never acted on it.

She may have also not wanted to break up with your brother unless she was certain she could get with your BF. It could also be more innocuous and she was just friends with him and feel like he stopped being close to her because of you so is mad at you.

It would make sense if everyone couldn't tell you what you did wrong because she wouldn't tell them she had a crush or that they wouldn't tell you that she was mad you "stole" her friend from her because they think it would lead to more drama.

OOP: That actually makes so much sense i didn't really think about it but me and my bf started dating about 2 years ago

Three days later, OP shared this second update:

So my grandparents actually called me the following morning asking if i got invited to the wedding, i said no and they were soo mad. Turns out my grandparents were paying for the wedding. My brother told everyone he was paying for everything himself but nope.

My grandparents are now not paying for the wedding after fsil also refused to tell them what she is upset about. My parents have stepped up to cover the rest of the wedding expenses and my grandparents, my bf and i will be enjoying a great weekend. Thank you to everyone's comments and advise i really appreciate it. That's all the updates i have but i will keep you posted.