'AITA for refusing to keep doing chores at my ex’s house after moving out?'
"AITA for refusing to keep doing chores at my ex’s house after moving out?"
I (44M) am in the process of divorcing. We have three young children: a 6-year-old and 3-year-old twins. I moved out a few weeks ago, but until recently I was still going to my ex-wife’s house twice a day: arriving around 7:00 in the morning to get the kids ready for school, and returning in the evening to take care of dinner, baths, and bedtime, usually leaving after 22:30.
I asked for the divorce two months ago. From the beginning, she agreed that we should have shared custody. However, in practice, the children have only been staying at her house, and I’ve been going there every day to take care of them.
Before the separation, we had an informal division of household tasks: I was usually in charge of cleaning the kitchen, managing the trash, and making the beds. She handled the laundry.
After I moved out, she continued to expect me to take care of the same chores. And I did — for several weeks — despite no longer living there. We live about 10 minutes apart by car.
There is a bus line between our areas, but it requires walking at both ends and only runs every hour, or every 30 minutes during peak hours. I've consistently taken taxis, which cost around $25 per round trip.
We still co-own a car. I asked to take it with me at night so I could return home after putting the kids to bed, especially since I was often back at her place by 7:00 the next morning.
She refused, saying she wanted the car in case of an emergency. I offered to return immediately if anything happened, and pointed out that she would likely spend more time managing all three kids on her own than it would take me to drive there. She still said no.
A few days ago, during a mediation session, I said that I would no longer be coming to her house every morning and night. I offered two alternatives. One, spend time with the kids in the afternoon, outside her home. Or two, start overnight stays at my place, which is already fully prepared to accommodate them.
She rejected both options. She also seemed genuinely surprised that I was upset about how she had treated me during the previous weeks. From her point of view, she believed she had been acting reasonably.
Some examples of how I was being treated:
– One evening, after I had prepared dinner, fed the kids, and was cleaning the kitchen (including dishes she had used), she remained at the table during dessert. Then she came into the kitchen and said, in a rather dismissive tone: “It would be nice if you came to the table to help me with the kids.”
– Another time, she asked me to cook for her and a guest she had invited over. I did, and then she made a mocking comment about the food.
– She consistently left the kitchen uncleaned, assuming I would deal with it.
When I said I was stepping back from the daily visits, she told me I was going back on my word. But from my perspective, I never agreed to maintain the same dynamic indefinitely after moving out. AITA for deciding to stop going to her house every day and setting some boundaries?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Wait... you cooked for her and one of her guests!?!
Dude! You can help with the kids without being her doormat. Plus, at that age, the kids are old enough to go back and forth between houses.
NTA as long as you continue to pull your weight, for example by having the kids at your house. The cool thing about separation and divorce is that you generally don't share a household anymore.
NTA-she is continuing to treat you as if you are still together and you aren't. You need to create a custody arrangement and stop going there.
NTA - you need to contact a lawyer ASAP. You cannot negotiate with your soon to be ex wife. She wants what she wants and not necessarily good for you or the kids. This isn’t working and you need to formalize the divorce process through a lawyer, and so that custody and the splitting of assets gets handled formally.
I would say, that if you are going to divorce and move out, you and your soon to be ex need your own cars. You need to think about what kind of custody time you want with your children, how you are going to accomplish that (does your new place have bedrooms for them to stay overnight?), and what you need (ie a car you own) to do your share of the parenting.
NTA. For the love of God stop being her doormat. And get a lawyer involved to sort 50/50 split with your kids.
If you were in mediation, what did the mediator say? They should have set her straight. You have no responsibility other than that which directly involves your children.
NTA. She needs to start handling things on her own. Perhaps a few weeks (or even days) of doing that will make her more amenable to a true shared custody situation. Right now she has no reason to change things up, as you're still doing all the tasks you were doing before.
That "shared car" situation is probably going to have to end too. For now it makes sense that whomever has the kids has the car, but that isn't a reasonable long term plan. One of you will probably have to bite the bullet and buy a new car.
NTA. Separation means SEPARATE. You have a responsibility to your children not her.
NTA. You aren’t married and cohabitating anymore, it’s as simple as that. She needs to wake up to the reality of what shared custody is. Life is going to change a lot. She needs to step up.
Shared custody does not mean she gets to use you as a part time nanny / household manager. You are not her childcare, cleaner, nor personal chef. She is not entitled to total control of your parenting time and location, that’s not how any of this works.
Your children should be in your home during your custody time. It will be hard adjustment to be sure, but she needs to get used to the idea of sleeping in that house alone, and maintaining it alone. Shared custody is two separate parents participating, not getting to call in dad whenever it’s convenient for mom.