'AITA for refusing to do yardwork after my wife built a garden?' 'I have a severe bee allergy.'

"AITA for refusing to do yardwork after my wife built a garden?"

My wife (29F) and I (31M) bought our first house this past winter. The house is in decent shape, but the yard needed a lot of work. We spent the winter planning what we wanted to do with the yard in terms of landscaping.

My wife has always wanted a garden, but I have a severe bee/wasp allergy and I did not want to plant a bunch of stuff that would attract those insects to our yard. She kept begging me to let her build a garden and told me that there are going to be insects in our yard anyway. I carry an EpiPen with me pretty much all the time when I'm outside, but I would prefer not to have a deadly threat in my yard at all times.

I went out of town for work for a week about 6 weeks ago. When I got back, I saw that my wife had done a lot of work in the yard. She had bought a few raised planting beds and started a little vegetable garden. She had also dug up a couple areas on both sides of our driveway and planted a bunch of native plants and flowers as pollinator gardens.

I'll admit, my first reaction probably wasn't the best. It was something along the lines of "WTF are you thinking?" We got into a pretty big fight about it because she kept downplaying how much of a problem it would be for me.

She kept saying things like "They won't sting you unless you bother them." "They are going to be in our yard anyway." "Native pollinator plants are important." "You have an EpiPen anyway."

Now, I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of those statements. But to me, she is inviting deadly threats into our yard. And to make it worse, she is telling me it's not a big deal.

I told her that if she wants to keep all of that stuff in our yard, she just signed up for doing all the yard work by herself because I am not going to put myself at risk just so that she can grow a few zucchinis. I am not going to mow the lawn or pull weeds if it means I might get stung.

She told me I am overreacting but since she wants to keep everything she planted, she begrudgingly agreed to do all the yard work. Well, now that summer is in full swing, she doesn't like that arrangement. She complains that it's too hot and the yard work would go a lot faster if both of us were doing it.

She complains that the grass grows too fast and doesn't like having to spend time every weekend mowing. But then she will also post videos on social media about all the bees that her pollinator garden is attracting.

This past weekend she told me she was too tired to mow and asked me to do it. I told her that we already agreed she would do all the yard work since she wanted to keep her gardens. She again told me I am overreacting and that I need to help.

I told her that I am not putting myself at risk when we both know there are more bees in our yard now because of her gardens. I have taken on a lot more of the household chores to compensate for her doing the yard work, so it's not like I'm slacking off. She refuses to see things from my POV.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

UteLawyer said:

NTA. To begin with, it sounds like you and your wife were still in the planning stages when she went behind your back and planted her preferred garden. Second, she is being really dismissive of a deadly allergy.

An EpiPen isn't a cure-all for your problem. You still need to go to the emergency room if you are stung, and there can be lingering effects for days afterward.

By inviting bees into your yard, she's really increasing your chance of being stung. It's great that your wife is concerned about pollinators, but it would be nice if she was concerned about her husband too.

ObfusKate_ said:

Have a severe gluten allergy? “Here honey! Let’s bake flour bread for fun!” Allergic to nuts? “Ignore the bowl of peanuts on the coffee table…you’ll be fine.” It’s asinine a partner would disregard life-threatening allergies for her own amusement.

Worse yet, willfully cruel to invite such allergies in to the partner’s environment (planting extra tempting pollination zones) and then expect them to deal with it. NTA. I’m sorry your wife is being careless with your health.

throw1away9932s said:

NTA. Last time I was exposed to a bit of my allergen “by accident” I ended up in the icu for a week. Don’t fuck with allergy’s. Epi pens aren’t there to fix it and make it ok to be exposed they make it possible to live long enough to get proper care.

For me with continuous exposure do to same reasons as your wife is arguing by an ex, epi pens are no longer as responsive for me because of the intensity of the reaction. I now carry 3 because it usually takes 2 to keep me alive long enough for the ambulance to get there.

Brainjacker said:

NTA and I'm sorry your wife cares so little for your well-being. She went behind your back, created a risk to your health, and now wants you to pick up her slack maintaining the things she committed to taking care of?

I hope you're in couple's therapy or seriously thinking about it because if this is how things are going I can't imagine the relationship will be too healthy in the long term.

lmmontes said:

NTA. Can you even relax outdoors when tolerable? If petty, I would tell her you're changing your life insurance so she's not the beneficiary. But that may be too far lol.

Icy_Department_1423 said:

NTA. She brought this all on herself. Very sneaky to do it while you were away. I'm sure it would be a very different scenario if the roles were reversed.