'AITA for refusing to drive my fiancé to the train station after he missed his bus?' 'I feel a bit guilty.'
"AITA for refusing to drive my fiancé to the train station after he missed his bus?"
My (24F) fiancée (25M) has ADHD and has a difficult keeping a schedule which often results in him sleeping past his alarm. Today he was supposed to catch the bus at 7:30am but missed it.
I work shiftwork and had just finished my third 12 hour night shift in a row. My commute home is about 45 mins, so I got home just before 8:00am, and woke up my fiancée upon entry. He was upset with himself right away as he usually is when he sleeps in.
We’ve had this issue in the past and I’ve previously told him that if he really needed a ride to the train station, I would prefer to pick him up at the front door (we live in an apartment) because once I’m parked in the garage and make it upstairs I’m tired and prefer not to leave again at this point (which I’ve still done in the past for him). I would say I probably drive him at least once every 2 weeks when he’s late.
He asked me if I’d drive him to the train station today, which would save him a 30 minute walk for his already long 1.5 hr commute, but I declined. I was hesitant at first, but decided that I deserve to put myself first.
He seemed upset, and did make a comment saying “I better see you in bed in 2 minutes then," but eventually went on his way. Approx 30 mins later, he texted me saying that he knows it wasn’t good timing but that he really could’ve used the drive today.
Later today he called and I expressed to him how I was upset by this. He said he was also upset because I wasn’t there for him when he needed me and that he would’ve done it for me if the roles were reversed, and that he was scared there was a limit to how much he could lean on me. Also that he hopes I’m happy that I got what I wanted and for me to enjoy my extra 30 mins of sleep.
To be fair, I’m not working today, so I’m able to sleep in later and it would’ve only taken me about 30 mins in total. I feel a bit guilty as realistically it wouldn’t have been that much of a burden to drive him and it means it would help him out a lot. I know he’s been having a rough time lately and worked 7 days this week, and is already angry with himself as is.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
amantahugnkiss69 said:
NTA. You were exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Sure, driving him in would have helped him a lot, but this a recurring pattern, and if you don't like being the one responsible to help every time, it would be a good idea to think of better situation to fix this.
More alarms in the house? One's that you have to physically get out of bed to snooze/turn off? Find a situation that works for your partner. It is okay to feel guilty about it btw. And it is okay to feel angry. Hope my advice helps!
JeepersCreepers74 said:
NTA. When he says you weren't there for him when he needed you, what he's really saying is, "you weren't there for me when I needed you to save me from the preventable consequences of my own actions!"
My guess is that, more than once, he has intentionally slept in with the Plan B of you driving him to the station. Good for you for clearly communicating that this is no longer an option. You deserve your sleep, too.
FunBodybuilder4620 said:
NTA. He is an ADULT. He could set multiple alarms on his phone. He wants you to parent him, not partner with him. It’s actually dangerous for you to drive when you are that tired. So how much can you depend on him if he wants you to risk your safety because he can’t figure out how to adapt to his ADHD?
SunshineShoulders87 said:
NTA - you driving him has become part of his routine and something he feels he can fall back on when he’s just a little too tired to get up when his alarm goes off. Unfortunately, bills don’t change with ADHD diagnoses, so he needs to find a better way...
Multiple alarms that force him to get up and walk around to turn them off, even texting you to let you know he’s up otherwise you call to wake him before it’s too late, etc. You having to drive him should be a once a year at the most option and it should be set up ahead of time so you can mentally prepare.
Tea_and_Biscuits12 said:
NTA- look at it this way: you help him by driving him 9 times out of 10 when this happens. This time was the one where you needed to look after yourself and didn’t help. You cannot be responsible for helping him every single time he needs to get to work. Life happens.
You have other priorities including to yourself. If he’s looking for 100% support 100% of the time that’s not what a healthy and balanced relationship is. If you weren’t there would he still be mad you didn’t drive him?
This is a HIM problem that is HIS to solve. My question to you is: Does he help you as often? What is his reciprocal support to YOU? Because it sounds like you’re being taken for granted.
Rhys-s_Peace said:
NTA - your partner's ADHD is his to manage, it is not your responsibility. He needs to develop his own independent systems and coping mechanisms with the support of a therapist and dr. Everyone can understandably have the odd day/time where things go wrong and need help - but when it becomes habit it’s not fair to those that have to repeatedly pick up their slack.