'AITA for refusing to financially support my pregnant daughter and her family?' 'My daughter was furious.'
"AITA for refusing to financially support my pregnant daughter and her family?"
Let me give some history on my daughter and her life to explain why we're in this position. My daughter was 18 when she told me she wanted to marry her boyfriend of a year. My husband and I (both 60s currently) did not want to see her get married so young, either of them, and we advised them to wait and keep dating.
To live life a little first. His family had the same response. So to "show us all" they could do it, they went and got married at the courthouse with just some of their friends as witnesses. Once they were married my husband and I tried to be supportive without getting in the way.
They were so young but also old enough to make decisions for themselves and we did not want to be those parents who step in and make things worse again. The marriage was doomed from the start but they had two children together. My grandson Indigo (now 12m) was first and he was followed by my granddaughter Skye (now 11f).
My grandchildren were loved but their parents were not happy together. Their dad was not a good husband to my daughter, but he was an excellent father and my daughter was not a good wife to their dad but she was a good mom. He died a few days before my granddaughters 5th birthday. My daughter found love quickly afterward and married her current husband even faster than her first.
From the time they said I do, my daughter and her husband have spent tens of thousands trying to make my grandchildren his. They went to court for him to adopt them but the judge asked to speak with the children and said no after their meeting. They appealed the decision and lost again.
They paid thousands for a therapist to speak in court about the benefit of adopting for the kids. The court assigned their own therapist and denied the request again. The only real "break" from this was when the courts were only handling emergency hearings and adoption requests were delayed due to the pandemic. But once they could they were back at it.
My husband and I asked why our daughter didn't wait to allow the kids the choice. But she wouldn't hear tell of it. They borrowed money to pay for these therapists and lawyers and court fees. Each time the request to adopt was denied by a judge.
Now my daughter is pregnant by her husband and they do not have the money they once did. It all went on the many failed attempts to adopt my grandchildren. My daughter turned to us (husband and myself) about a month ago now and shared how tight their finances are and asked for our help financially.
My husband and I told her we would discuss it but we're on the same page, we do not feel we should help. We feel like doing so will allow our daughter and her husband to continue this pointless adoption pursuit and is not in the best interest of the family.
My daughter was furious when we told her no. She asked how we can turn our backs on family. She has said we are clearly not fit to be parents or grandparents. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
moonlightetsunshine said:
NTA. And if I were you, I’d be concerned about Indigo and Skye. If they blew up at you about this, they most likely will blame the children as well. Based on the continued blockage from the courts as well as the children for the adoption, I’d be very worried about them. Maybe check in with your grandchildren privately if you can.
Floating-Cynic said:
NTA I used to work as a paralegal and eventually a court clerk, and your daughter is lighting money on fire, it truly isn't going to happen, even if the kids change their minds. The court clerks know who your daughter is. When she files something, the judges are reviewing records from former hearings and seeing that she's wasting time.
Her attorneys know an adoption isn't going to happen. I guarantee if your daughter tried to change jurisdictions to get an unbiased judge, there will be phone calls between judicial assistants to make sure that a new judge understands how many times she has tried this.
Your daughter basically cursed herself by continuing to pursue this, judges hate people who waste their time. I'm betting that the kid consultation is only for show, it's likely they make up their minds the instant a new filing hits their desks.
charmedvampgirl said:
NTA you have a right to feel the way you do and deal with the situation how you see best. Not helping does not make you a bad mother. You daughter needs to get her own priorities straight. Adoption is not the most important thing right now. It's clear that the kids don't want this adoption and she should just leave it.
There are plenty of stepfathers who don't adopt and they are still great fathers to the kids. A legal adoption is only a piece of paper without the relationship and love to go with it and that is something they need to learn. If you do want to help there are other things you can do.
You can tell you daughter that you will help if they stop trying to get the adoption until the kids decide they want that. You can also tell her that you will not help them but you will help the kids by getting them things they need.
GeneralTip3893 said:
NTA. Your daughter sounds like a right headache. And honestly by the way you express "support via distance" sounds like you’re smart and good parents. Helicopter or enabling parents always think they are doing the best when they truly cause the most overall damage. Why is she and the husband so insistent on adoption when the kids don’t want it?
Otherwise_Degree_729 said:
NTA. I wouldn’t be sure about them continuing the adoption pursuit. I’d keep an eye on the grandchildren you already have. He gets his own child know and maybe will lose interest in his stepchildren. I could also happen that they will start neglecting them or using them as babysitters. Parentification of older children happens often especially if they have financial difficulties.
mslisath said:
NTA. The reality is you are just on the cusp of being on a fixed income and money is finite. They were dumb. The kids said no and rather than give it a year, they ran back and essentially yelled "how about NOW????" Absolutely do not give her any money and be very sparing in the stuff you give them. Make it something she can't sell. Like personalized baby blankets.
ComprehensivePut5569 said:
NTA - Your daughter and her current husband are the ones that are unfit. They’re throwing away thousands of dollars because of some fantasy they have of erasing her kids’ bio father from their lives. It’s despicable actually. A good parent would get past their own ego and realize they are damaging the children and the family in the long term. She better not complain when her older children cut her out of their lives as soon as they can.