'AITA for refusing to speak to my ex-fiancé before he died?' 'He had NO chance of making it.'

"AITA for refusing to speak to my ex-fiancé before he died?"

Alright, I (31F) dated my ex Nico (33M) for five years. From eighteen to twenty three. We were engaged, living together and planning our future. I was pregnant, and I thought we had a great relationship. We sometimes had our ups and downs, but I never saw coming what happened.

Basically, I discovered he was cheating on me a month before the wedding. He cheated on me with one of my closest friends, and some of my friends knew and didn't tell me. One finally broke down and decided to tell me everything.

Needless to say, I was not only devastated, but angry and confused. I couldn't manage to understand the situation, and I was so overwhelmed because I didn't know how to even began to deal with the situation. But I understood that the healthiest for me choice was to just disappear and start over somewhere else, and that's what I did.

I blocked him and the friends that knew and didn't tell me, even the one that had told me, because she had kept it from me for over two months, and I didn't trust her. I deleted my social media, changed my number and cancelled all the wedding stuff behind his back, I also took all our money from our saving account and sold the ring.

All the stress caused me to lose my pregnancy, and no one knew about this because I had gone back to my hometown and was staying at a hotel. I literally didn't tell anyone I was leaving, but I did tell one of my former friends that he should tell Nico I had a miscarriage. I have no family and, back then, I knew I couldn't trust the people I called friends, so I chose to just keep everything to myself.

I spend over a year traveling around Europe and Asia, and I finally settled in Ireland since I have the nationality thanks to my dad (I'm from South America, to clarify). I still had money thanks to my inheritance, and I bought a small apartment for myself and started working.

I surrounded myself with some good new friends, started therapy and I had multiple casual relationships, but it wasn't until I met Alex (31M), who's also from my country, that I fell in love again. I met him when I was twenty seven, and it took me a while to trust him, but we eventually got serious. We got married last year and, early this year, we moved back to our country.

So, I started using social media eventually. My former friends and ex hadn't found out about it at first, but one of them eventually did, and they started sending me thousands of texts. Especially my ex, who kept asking for us to have a simple talk, that he still loved me, that he regretted everything and hadn't been able to move on.

This happened three years ago, and I chose to send one text to my ex telling him that I didn't hate him or resented him, but that he was just a part of my past and, as he knew, for me the past needs to stay buried.

I once wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, but right now, I'm aware of the fact that he was not who I thought he was and although our relationship taught me that people are not who they seem to be and I shouldn't trust people so easily, for me, I wasted many years of my youth with him and that was just it.

I told him I was in love with someone else and not to try to talk to me again, 'cause he would never see my face again on person, and that was the end of it. After that, I blocked them all and put my account on private.

Now, back to the present, I reconnected with one of my friends from the past, Melisa. She didn't know about the affair and she lost contact with our former group of friends because she didn't trust them because of what they did to me. She told me she had tried to contact me, but had no idea how to do it.

Although she's not friends with everybody else before, she's still friends with one of Nico's cousins, who was never close with him, but that had always been pretty sad. From her, she found out that Nico was sick with cancer and wanted to speak to me.

She told me according to Nico's cousin, he had no chance of making it, and he just wanted to speak to me. Melisa told me to do whatever felt right, and so did my husband, and I agreed. I decided not to speak to him, and just told Melisa she should tell Nico's cousin that I didn't want to speak to Nico.

My reason is simple for this: I put everything in the past, I healed from all that situation. It was hard, but I did. I don't need closure, and I know I don't owe him anything. I have no feelings toward him. So, I recently found out from Melisa that Nico passed away. Now, his family is furious at me.

They can't get to my social media accounts, but they got to my husband's. They told him that I was just a bitter b that couldn't even grant the wish of a dying man of just speaking to me, telling me that's all he wanted. Alex just blocked all those accounts and put his account in private for a while, and told me not to let them get to me, that I did nothing wrong.

Although I truly didn't wish to speak with Nico, didn't have anything to say to him and didn't want to hear anything from him either, I've began to wonder if I should have just listened to what he had to say, just so that he would go without holding anything, but I don't know if I truly think that or if I have just let the creeps of his family get to me. I don't know, AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Expert-Bus9720 said:

NTA. You already put the past behind of you.What happened to his affair partner?

Relevant_Mirror_4206 said:

NTA. You were under no obligation to talk to him. It’s been years and he should leave you alone. Furthermore, based on the behavior of his family, you were very lucky not to marry him.

Bobsmith38594 said:

NTA. Nico did not deserve your pardon nor a cleared conscience prior to passing. You owed him nothing and his family can cry and whine all they want, but they helped raise and cultivate Nico into the pathetic, manipulative excuse of a man he was prior to his passing.

There was nothing Nico could say to really “settle accounts," and the decision to forgive him was always yours entirely. His family and Nico himself do not factor into it.

Artneedsmorefloof said:

NTA - closure comes within ourselves as you have seemed to found for yourself. Whatever Nico wanted from speaking to you, it was not for your benefit but his. You were not cruel to him, you merely chose to not engage. You did nothing wrong.

Normally, I would say have a bit of grace for Nico’s family watching a family die from cancer is a hard, hard path the walk but they have chosen to direct their grief-anger at you as a scapegoat because being angry at cancer doesn’t work.

Most of us wonder from time to time if we made the right choice or if we could have made a better choice in a complicated solution, but you were not cruel (It is not cruel to not engage) and you made the best decision for you. It’s human to wonder about “what if," but “what if” is a killer of happiness. Keep them blocked, don’t engage and live a kind, happy life with your Alex.

Mintyfresh2024 said:

Nta. You already wrote him for closure. You're not responsible for making him feel better about his actions.

ChrisInBliss said:

NTA also what would talking to him do? NOTHING GOOD! The only thing would be you getting hurt for no good reason.