'Father refuses to give ex access to money for her son with cancer; 'that money is for MY son.'' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to allow my ex access to money I saved for our son?"
No-Narwhal3759
My ex and I (both 30) share a 12 year old son. We broke up when our son was 4 weeks old. We shared physical custody from the time he was 14 months and I had visitation prior (as is standard because our son was breastfed).
And when our son was 4 my ex remarried. My ex now has 4 additional children with her husband. And this is where her wish for access to that money comes from. I saved for my son and set up an account that only I can access for right now. My was never a part of this so I never added her to the account.
I also have it protected should anything happen to me and my ex won't take control of it. One of my ex's children was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer. Their household has seen a lot of changes and my son has struggled with those changes.
I pick up the difference where I can. So my son still goes to his activities (paid for by me), I put extra in his lunch account at school so he can always get a school lunch (his preference over a packed lunch from home) and I went a little bigger for Christmas, which I always start buying early.
My son always knew I saved for his future. He mentioned it to his mom after his mom said they were pulling all finances on their end, including anything put aside for the futures of him and his half siblings.
This brought my ex to me and she asked how much I saved which I refused to tell her. She asked me for access to the account and I said no. She suggested I should give it to her so it can go toward funding all the help they need to cover the cost of a sick child and I refused.
My ex tried to get our son involved and my son told me he didn't want to keep giving stuff up and he didn't want him to take his money. I promised my son it wouldn't happen.
My ex ended up sending me a breakdown of what they want the money for. I did look over it but only after I told her I would not take our son's money and give it to her for her other child.
I told her I had a duty to my son and not her other children. M ex started calling me names so I ended the call. She then sent me a text asking me how I could say no to helping a child who's sick.
I told her that their sick child was not my responsibility and my responsibility is to ensure our son has a good life, the child I made with her, not the children she made with her husband. My son has not had to deal with any of the fallout (so far/hopefully never). But ex has sent several texts since and her husband sent a few of his own. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Beautiful-Peak399
NTA. Have you considered increasing your custody? It sounds like your son is going to be put in the middle and possibly guilt-tripped about this which could make things awkward at their house, especially with the other siblings.
No-Narwhal3759 (OP)
We're building up a file right now in case it gets to that point. But my lawyer says we are not there and would anger a judge more than anything if we made an attempt over what has happened so far.
Dlraetz1
Have you just talked to your ex and suggested that during this difficult time you take primary custody and she has your son when she can? You can frame it as a time and cost reduction for her.
No-Narwhal3759 (OP)
My ex and I don't get along well enough without this added stress for that to be a conversation that would end with her becoming more angry and accusing me of trying to take our son from her.
Kukka63
NTA, I can understand that your ex is in a financial difficulty but to expect you to give the money, you saved for your son, is outrageous.
No-Narwhal3759
Yes and it's not something they can realistically say they will pay back. Not that she said that. But even if she did, she couldn't guarantee he would have it for whatever future he makes for himself. It would be all on me to build back up and I refuse to let that happen. My son deserves all I can give him.
IamMaggieMoo
NTA - whilst sad it does not change the fact that the child is not yours and not your responsibility. She wants to be careful that she doesn't end up alienating her other kids with her actions.
No-Narwhal3759 (OP)
I don't know about her other children but I see signs of it with our son already. Which is sad because he was very close to his mom until a few months ago.
Silaquix
NTA I would only communicate through text and email and if she keeps harassing you about money I'd take those texts to a lawyer. Instead of robbing her kids and harassing you for money, she should be applying for charities and government assistance. There are tons of programs specifically for these situations.
She's absolutely going to alienate all her other kids this way though. Personally I'd send her the definition of glass child and tell her to look up stories on reddit from people that grew up in the same situation. Most of the time they end up hating and resenting their parents and the sick sibling.