'AITA for refusing to answer my husband's question because I find it dishonest?'
"AITA for refusing to answer my husband's question because I find it dishonest?"
sammiammiammi
My (28f) Husband's (29m) "best friend" is getting married. They got engaged some time last year, but only decided to start setting a date now, in October. Their date? Either January or February 2025.
Approximately 3 or 4 months from now, and they've known I'm pregnant and due January 28th since July. Now, I'm not expecting them to plan their wedding around my baby, I just find it kind of crazy that anyone gives 4 > months notice for a wedding, and they reached out to my husband to say it's important to them that he attend so would he be able to make it any dates during that time.
He asked me how I felt about road tripping to the wedding in January. I said a 12 hour drive is likely really not feasible when I'm within weeks of my due date, it's totally possible that nothing happens and I could even give birth later than my due date (it's a healthy normal 1st time pregnancy so far)
BUT if something did happen, I really don't want to be in the mountains stranded. He was resistant to flying but I told him honestly that flying post partum was the only semi reasonable way for this to go if they land on February instead of January.
I'm not going to want to do a 12 hour road trip with a 2 week old either, and sleep deprivation could be a witch. He then said "well... if you're willing, then I'd be willing to go by myself for a day or two to be there for Carl."
This struck me as dishonest. He says he doesn't "want" to go, but he'd be willing to go for Carl and leave me by myself. Now I've never had a baby before, only siblings, and maybe it would be fine, I really don't know.
I'm not 100% against him going by himself, I honestly need more time to think about it. But what is definitely rubbing me wrong is him acting like he's taking one for the team to go to a big adult party while I'm bedridden taking care of a newborn and two dogs (one who will be a year old energetic goldem shepard) by myself.
If he doesn't "want" to go, then I say why are we talking about this? No matter what it's a huge inconvenience and also big favor being asked of me for something you don't want within weeks of giving birth.
I'd feel better about this if he said "Hey, i know this is a big ask and you might need time to think, but I really want to be there for my friend, would you consider staying back so I can?"
It feels disingenuine to use such weird passive language that doesnt seem to own what hes asking to put on me. He's upset because I "didn't even answer his question" and he "knew i was going to react this way". AITA?
***Edit: I've seen some confusion so I want to make it clear, the conversation evolved from roadtrip together at 37 weeks, to roadtrip or fly together with a newborn, to maybe he goes by himself AFTER baby is born leaving me with the few weeks old. There is not a possibility of him missing the birth being entertained at all.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NoRazzmatazz564
Info: I'm not clear on why this seems disingenuous. Clearly an AH move by your husband to go potentially leaving you with a newborn but not seeing the disingenuous part.
sammiammiammi (OP)
Totally fair, for me it's the "If you're willing, I'd be willing to go to be there for him". He insists he doesn't "want" to go, that he wants to be here for the baby and I. He's acting as if he's losing out to go to this wedding, and I feel like it's disingenuous to frame this that way. As if we're somehow BOTH losing out by him going by himself.
I'd feel much better about this and more inclined to even be okay with him going if he just owned the fact that he's getting an adult party trip while I'm dealing with a newborn and a house by myself.
(don't get me wrong, I'm assuming I will love the baby and likely wouldn't be comfortable leaving her with a sitter to go by myself anyway, but I don't have any misconceptions about the fact that it is going to be hard work on me and my body, not equivalent to the hard work of going to a wedding out of state.)
Amazing-Wave4704
He is trying to make you make the decision he wants. Flat out tell him that you dont want him to miss the BIRTH OF HIS child and you are NOT "willing" for him to him go. NTA. Please call him out (nicely) on this BS.
sammiammiammi (OP)
Yeah, to be clear he'd only be willing to go by himself AFTER the baby is born. This line of dialogue just started by him asking if I'd be willing to roadtrip when I'm anywhere from 37 weeks pregnant, and evolved from there.
PuzzledUpstairs8189
OP, I delivered at 37 weeks. The last month of pregnancy and first few months postpartum really should be a time to stick close to home. You have no idea what kind of L&D you will have. I don’t mean this to frighten, but realistically just say no. Things can go sideways and there could be complications. This wedding isn’t necessary and he isn’t being genuine. NTA.
Aggravating-Item9162
NTA. He has no business going! Like, what if you have already given birth? Is he just leaving you alone with a newborn? What if you go into labor while he's gone?