'AITA for refusing to ask my partner if he’ll drive my friend to work when I go on maternity leave'
"AITA for refusing to ask my partner if he’ll drive my friend to work when I go on maternity leave"
throwawayaita278902
I am currently 7 months pregnant and I give my friend a ride to work, I’ve been doing this the last year because they lived 3 minutes away from me when I was in my old apartment, and I continued to do the favor when I moved in with my partner.
I’m going on maternity leave next month and my friend has no idea how she is getting to and from work. She’s been trying to figure it out since I found out I was pregnant but she cannot drive.
There are no driving schools nearby, the closest one is 2 hours away, and they have no family to help them. I said I wish I could help more, but giving her rides while I’m on maternity leave but driving with a newborn at 6 am just isn’t happening.
Today she suggested I ask my partner (my baby’s father) if he would drive her, and I said no I’m not asking. We have to be at work at 6:30 and my partner had to be at work at 7:30, and we live 10/15 minutes from my friend and our job is 20 minutes away from his job and I’m not making my partner wake up earlier than he normally does to get ready for work and drive my friend to work because she can’t find a ride.
She made a joke saying that he should because it’s his fault that I have to go out of work because he got me pregnant and as a friend she would appreciate the favor. I said I wish we could help but I’m not asking him.
She’s upset with me because I won’t even ask, but I already know my partner will say yes because he has people pleaser tendencies so im making the decision for him. Then she brought up how she wouldn’t have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn’t be able to carpool anymore.
She figured it out when I couldn’t give her rides due to illness or appointments, but now I feel like she’s trying to guilt me and keeps insisting I just ask and won’t drop it. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
DevotedRed
It’s so nice to read about someone who protects their partner from being taken advantage of. Absolutely NTA.
The OP responded here:
throwawayaita278902
Yes!! He does the same for me, and it’s part of the reason our relationship works so well and we don’t get overstimulated in our relationship💛
oranges214
It would be a good idea to give him a heads up anyway, your "friend" sounds entitled enough to go behind your back to ask him directly and if he isn't prepared for it he might say yes just from being put on the spot.
DogmaticNuance
Also, he's going to be a fucking dad to a newborn. He should be on paternity leave himself, because fitting anything else in will be very hard. He will not have any time for extra anything, no way, no chance. He will be needing help, just like OP.
LJ_in_NY
And let's face it: he's going to need all the sleep he can get so expecting him to wake up extra early to take a grown adult (who he's not even involved with) to work is....crazy.
Python2024
You both seem like people pleasers and your friend is so used to taking advantage of you, that she has the audacity to expect you to inconvenience your partner so that she can get a ride to the job she has because of you. You might BTA for asking if you’re the AH for not putting yourself and your partner first.
The OP again responded here:
throwawayaita278902
We are both people pleasers, and so we really look out for each other to not be taken advantage of Sometimes when guilt tripping is involved it’s hard for me to see that I’m not wrong because my emotions get the best of me.
mitsuhachi
Your friend is so used to taking advantage of you that she has no idea how to navigate the world on her own. Which is, as she’s now finding out, something every adult has to learn sometime.
You’re not her mom, and she’s not a child. It is her job to figure something out. If that means quitting the job you helped her get, then I sure hope she has some other income stream. But either way, it is 100% not your problem.
CrewelSummer
NTA. As parents of a newborn, you will have A LOT on both your plates. Neither one of you should be adding to that. Even if you are doing the lion's share of the parenting while he works, having a newborn is just overwhelming and a big adjustment.
And he'll also need to be supporting you in your recovery. He's going to be exhausted and overwhelmed too. He shouldn't feel pressure to take this on as well. She's an adult. It's time for her to take responsibility for her own transportation.
This didn't come out of nowhere. She's had 8 months to prepare for this situation and resolve it. It's unfortunate that she was not able to do so, but you simply will not be able to continue to be her personal uber with a newborn at home. The answer is no.
mfruitfly
NTA but you should speak with your partner, before she does. Just tell your partner what your friend asked, tell them not only do you not think it is a good idea logistically, but you BOTH are about to have a new baby, so adding anything to your plates is a bad idea.
You are going to need support at home, neither of you are going to be getting great sleep, and any free moments should be spent with each other, resting, or getting stuff done.
It makes no sense for him to get up an hour earlier to drive her to work when the two of you are going to be maybe the most stressed and busy as you have ever been or will be. And you aren't eternally responsible for your friend. Okay, so she wouldn't have taken this job if you couldn't drive her, well then she can find a new job.
She has had 7 months or so to figure out her life, and sure, a driving school is 2 hours away, but she could have figure that out (spent a week out there to take the classes, for example). And if driving for her is really not an option, well then she needs to find a new job and or a new place to live that facilitates her lifestyle. Do not let her guilt you.
Talk to your partner so you are both on the same page, then give her a firm no, and be very clear that once you stop working, the rides stop, except in real emergencies (for example, if she figures out rides for like 2 months straight and then that ride cancels, sure, give her a ride ONE TIME because she is showing she has figured it out, and friends help each other).